Scurvy and Rum

June 29, 2015


The night is cold and wet as the thunderstorm begins to worsen and to pound the English shore. Not far from the harbor there is a pub where two rugged men are sharing a table and a large mug of beer to keep filling the flagons they have in their calloused hands. Despite the late hour the barkeep doesn’t mind these two, or to be more precise, he knows better than to try and enforce rules on them. Pirates after all can be a problem if they are angry; but serve them what they want and keep them drunk and happy? They’ll cause no trouble and if they are especially pleased will even pay for what they eat and drink. The barkeep, a shrewd balding man of short stature, has dealt with these two before and knows how to keep them in good spirits. He even likes them a little bit as they seem to be decent fellows as pirates go.

The first pirate, a tall and lean man with the beginnings of a pot belly, a short well trimmed beard, and small scar on his chin, takes another swig of his beer. With a laugh he says.

“This is a good night for a drink what with the weather be’in too bad for us to sail eh’ Rum Jon?”

Jon, a large, hulking brute of a man with long scraggly hair that hung over his dirty face that showed a grin, replied.

“Oh aye Captain Scurvy, every night no matter the weather is a fine night for drinking!”

They laughed loud and heartily at this and both took another long drink of their flagons.

“Tis true, very true indeed mate”

Scurvy says as Jon refills their flagons and motions for the barkeep to bring them another mug.

“Hey Jon, we been through a lot together ain’t we?”

Still with a grin Jon answered

‘Indeed we have. We seen some sights that many a man have never dreamed of. Like when we got lost on our way back home from Morocco and we ended going around in circles.”
“Ah yes because my dratted compass had gotten waterlogged.”

Finished the Captain with a laugh as he recalled how he and his crew practically had to start a war with the natives
to get a replacement.

“How about the time when you and I were lads and we set off to find treasure?”

Jon smiled as his memory went back to the days when they were children. Even then they were both obsessed with adventure and the thrill of discovering treasure, both large and small.

“That little raft we made of driftwood that we used to cross the stream just out of town. That was the real start of all this. How you came about a map is beyond me but sure enough it led us to our first chest of treasure.”

“Oh aye treasure it was, just an old trunk with some clothes in it. Not worth a thing to anyone but us.”

Said the Captain. He then turned to the barkeep and shouted.

“Bring us some food on the double! Roasted pork will do us fine and don’t hold back non on the dressings.”

“Give us some bread too”

Added Rum Jon. The barkeep nodded and quickly went to the kitchen to get them what they wanted. He did not want to miss their conversation. Talk of adventure, pirates, and treasure always excited him.

“Captain, where did you get that map anyway?”

Scurvy smiled at his old friend.

“Jon I drew it on some paper. I’ve always been good at drawing up maps and I did it just for fun. I had no idea we would actually find
somethin’. It’s a wonder how things turned out for us since that. We even joined the royal navy together.”
Jon chuckled at learning that their discovery had been by chance.

“Aye the RN taught us the sea and now we either fight or run from them.”

Their food now in front of them they begin to feast while they talk.

“Say Jon, where did your nickname come from? You never drink rum. It always disagreed with you. ”

As he wiped some juice away from his mouth he replied.

“While in the navy I used to break rum bottles over my head for a laugh. The name just stuck after that. I always had me a hard head.”

They both laughed at this and continued to eat. Jon knew about his Captain’s name. Chris Mattern, while serving on board his first naval ship learned the hard way on what to eat while at sea. He got so sick that the navy nearly discharged him once they got him back on land to recover. Since then he took the nickname as both a joke and a reminder of hard lessons learned. With the food now gone the two pirates began to gather up their things. To show the barkeep that they meant no harm they had always left their weapons at the door. Their coats and hats however were on the floor near the table and these they now picked up.

“Say Jon, why do you always have to be so formal? You needn’t call me Captain when it’s just you and me here. I appreciate it when its in front of the crew, but we been mates for as long as I can recall.”

“I know.”

Jon replied

“I just keep to habit is all. If I started calling you by your first name all the time I would forget to keep to titles later. Besides Chris Scurvy doesn’t have the same ring to it. Speaking of the crew, we need to do some recruitin’ soon. Our last fight with those French dogs hurt us plenty it did.”

Before Captain Scurvy could answer they both turned in surprise when the barkeep leaps from where he stood and begged to be let on board. The pirates stood looking at him for a minute in silence and glanced at each other. Both broke out in laughter.

‘Captain we have ourselves an adventurous one. What say you?”

Laughing loud Scurvy ordered:

“We can always use a man like that, bring everything of value from this place and get it on the ship on the double. We’ll make a
pirate of you yet!”

No One’s Looking

June 13, 2015

Here is another short that I wrote a while ago. Felt like sharing it.


No One’s Looking



Statue of a Man

Statue of a Woman



In a small room in a fancy house two statues stand at the far corners and are facing the door leading in .(The audience) The statues are incredible works of art; the man looking noble and the woman the essence of beauty. A clock chimes midnight from somewhere in the house.


Slight movement as the woman inches her head towards the man

Woman Statue: Do you think they are all asleep my love?

Man Statue: Hard to say. (More softly) Better we keep it down until we are sure.

Woman: I do not wish to stay quiet anymore. We do enough of that during the day.

Man: Yes, but that is what we must do. It is our purpose to be looked at and spoken about but never spoken to.

The statue of a man moves his arms a bit but does not move his head. He continues to watch the door.

Woman: They are silly things; people.  What do you make of them?

Man: They can be interesting and a nuisance, often both at the same time.

Woman: Tell me who bothers you.

The woman, now moving more fluidly turns her whole self to the man. The man turns slightly from his position, but still keeps watch on the door.

Man: The snooty stuck up ones. Always assuming they are better than everyone else because they have more of everything. Underneath it all they are never happy, it shows on their faces.

Woman: I have noticed that myself. I don’t care for the maids.

Man: (Now fully turning towards the woman.) The maids?

Woman: Yes. They are so very rough when they are cleaning. It’s supposed to be a dust rag, not a club! I think next time they do that I’ll give them a good smack.

Man: (Laughing.) You’d give them a heart attack if you do.

Woman: Is it time yet?

Man: No, not yet. What people do you like?

Woman: I like it when they bring the children.

Man: The children?

Women: (Happily) When they look at us, they do not try to think about meaning, style, method, or any of that nonsense the artists talk about. When they look at us, they see the life we have, the beauty of life.

Man: I too have felt this way. The world has not gotten to them yet.

The clock now strikes three

Man and Woman together: At last!

They move towards each other. Their steps just as artful as their forms, they quicken and finally reach and embrace one another. They begin to sway and move in unison.

Woman: How I long to dance with you during the day. It is sheer torture to see you across the room and not be able to go to you. A few hours at night are not enough!

Man: I am happy with the time we get. I could stay in the corner for centuries if it meant I could dance only a minute with you.

They dance more eloquently now. Never once letting each other go, they move all around the room laughing all the while.

Woman: Why must we stay apart? Why can’t we stay like this forever?

Man: It is how we were made to be. People would not understand.

They dance more quickly now, using everything in the room; gravity could not hope to contain them; even the walls became a stage.

Man: Tomorrow will be here soon.

Woman: Let’s think of something funny to amuse ourselves during the day.

Man: I’ll make a parody of the looks they give us. (He puts his nose in the air and imitates the snobs they see so often)

Woman: (giggling) I’ll move my eye’s when they aren’t looking.

The clock now strikes seven

Man: Our dance is at an end. We must return to our places.

Woman: Time is always our enemy isn’t it?

Man: No, we can outlast time; we will always do each day.

They reluctantly let each other go and return to their spots. Stiffness taking them once more.

Hazy Day

June 7, 2015

This was a one act play I wrote a long while ago. Looking at it now I can see that I’ve improved, and that this isn’t nearly as good as some of my C:IA stuff.  I figured I would share it anyway.

Hazy Day

By: Andrew Felson


MATT: Slacker college student. Fairly bright but very lazy. Dressed punk rocker style.

JANE: MATT’S Girlfriend. On the bossy side. Dressed “preppy.”

CHRIS: MATT’S friend. Rebellious. Dressed in the grunge style.

KYLE: MATT’S friend. Hard working and very smart. Dressed “preppy.”

  1. PARKER: Math professor. Dressed formal.

Scene: 1

The room is dimly lit as MATT walks onstage. He is walking slowly with a bit of a slump. He is headed towards something but right now it is too dark for us to see.


(Yawning) Oh man, what a night. Thought I’d never get that stupid report done.

(MATT stretches out his arms out and walks over to the bed that has now become spot-lighted as well. The bed is located at the furthest right corner of the stage.)


Time to hit the sack.

(MATT doesn’t even bother to pull the covers down. He simply flops face first on the pillow and quickly finds a comfortable position. There is a moment of silence; then very loudly an alarm clock goes off and a face of a clock is illuminated on the wall showing 7:00. MATT is jolted and tumbles to the floor.)



(MATT runs offstage. He returns but now closer to the front of the stage.)

Scene 2

(The stage is now fully lit and we see that he is in front of a college campus. Two people standing in front of the entrance. He walks towards them.)


I can’t believe its morning already. (Calling) Chris; Kyle, what up guys?


Yo Matt, you running late for your algebra class?


I still have a few minutes. (Yawns) Damn, am I tired.


What did you do? Party all night or something?


Nahh, I was finishing that English report that’s due



Finishing, or just starting?


(Chuckling) Yeah, that too. I’ve never pulled an all-nighter before. Feels really weird to not have slept. I’m so drowsy that I nearly walked into a stop sign on the way here.

(MATT rubs his eyes for a moment.)


Jane was looking for you. Said she would meet you in class later.


Huh? Did you just say Jane made a pass at Wally Gator?

(CHRIS and KYLE look at each other, and then start laughing.)


Man, you really are out of it, huh?


Whoa, that one passed right through the filter.


The what?


The filter. You know; the thing that blocks you from saying the stuff that pops in your head? It’s what stops you from putting your foot in your mouth, most of the time anyway.


(To KYLE): I can’t believe you’ve never heard of that.


I know what you’re talking about; I just call it common sense.


Common sense is a dumb phrase. If sense were really common, everyone would have some.


Very true. But what would we call it then?


Uncommon sense would be too unoriginal. Is there a word that means some people have it and others don’t? Like some are rich and others are poor?


I don’t think so.  Even if there was it would get banned faster than it got made.

(MATT yawns loudly again and checks his watch.)


Damn I’m going to be late! I gotta get to class. This day can’t end soon enough.


See you after class.


Later, dude.


Think he’ll make it through the day?


Can the government make smart decisions?

(Both laugh as they walk offstage.)

Scene 3

(MATT enters the door and sits at his desk and puts his head down. He is just about to nod off when JANE walks in and taps him on the back.)


(Playfully) Get up, you!


(Groggily) Hmmuhhhh.. What? Oh hey, babe. What’s up?


By the looks of things, certainly not you.


Very funny. We don’t have a test or anything today, do we? I can hardly keep my eyes open, a test is something I can’t handle right now.


No test, but we‘re reviewing for one so you need to pay attention.


(Sarcastically) Great. How come you decided to take this class on the days I didn’t?


Because if we were here together, you would be thinking of me and not the class.


Good point. Why do you care so much about how I do?


Because I’m your girlfriend and I care about you, and besides what would my friends think if I was dating a loser?

(Brief pause as MATT gives her a hard look)


Of course I was joking. But I want you to succeed in life.


I’ll make due, don’t worry. The world won’t end if I can’t master the quadratic formula.
(MR. PARKER walks in.)


I’ll see you after class.

(JANE leaves.)


Good morning everyone. I trust you are ready to go over the material for your next test.


(To himself) Not really.


After this test we will begin more complex functions. I expect everyone to do well on this exam so I’m very excited to see the results.


(Sarcastically and very loud) More excited than a fat guy at a bake sale.

(MATT puts his hand over his mouth. MR. PARKER glares at him.)


(Sternly) Is there a problem Matt?


No sir! Sorry.


(Sternly) Any more outbursts like that and you can forget about that extra credit you have been bugging me for. Now then, let’s get started.


(To himself) Jerk.

(MATT puts his head down again. The stage goes dim and strange music begins to play. MATT gets up and looks around bewildered.)


What the hell?

(A line of deer wearing top hats dance onto the stage and the music gets slightly louder. MATT backs away from his desk as he watches the deer dance around.)


I’m not sure if I should be scared, or entertained.

(The deer circle around MATT while the music gets louder and louder.)


Stop! This is madness!

(The stage goes black for a minute. When it lights back up, MATT is back in his desk.)


(Shouts) Deer!



(MATT looks around the room confused. The rest of the class has gone.)


Um… Sorry about that.


Are you aware that you were making strange noises? I hope you find time to study over the weekend because you are going to need it. Now get out of here!

(MATT gets up and walks out of the room, shaking his head and yawning.)

Scene 4

(JANE comes back onstage.)


So how did it go?


I’m not too sure actually. I fell asleep during class.


(Scolding): You can’t be doing that you know, Matt. What if you fail this class? I don’t want you too far behind me.


I’m not going to fail. I’ll just have to study hard this weekend. Thank God today’s Friday.

(JANE starts to shake a bit.)


We had plans this weekend remember? Fridays at Fridays.


I know, I know. I’m going to take a long nap when I get home. I’ll set my alarm for seven and pick you up a little after that.

(JANE now begins to pace while still jerking around)


Seven! Seven! Twenty-four and a third! Snake eyes!




Jane, Jane, Aero-plain! Once had a life, now we’re the same!

(MATT begins to back up as JANE moves towards him, now with a whip in her hand, she follows his every move.)


(Alarmed) Jane, what the hell is the matter with you?


(Singing) Same, same, what a shame. Can’t do math with little brain. Jane Jane; in the lane. I’ve got you on my chain.


The same? Are you trying to tell me I’m becoming you? You aren’t making sense! And my brain’s just fine!


No need for sense, you follow what I say. When nonsense is normal, normality becomes taboo. I say, you do.

(JANE follows MATT all along the stage and whips at him a few times until he stumbles and falls over. The stage darkens. When it lights back up again, MATT is sleeping in his desk in MR. PARKER’S room.)

Scene 5


(Muttering): Say and do.

(MR. PARKER goes over and taps MATT who yells the moment he does and nearly falls out of his chair.)


Are you ok? What in the world was all that about?

(MATT looks around totally bewildered. The rest of the class is leaving.)


Did either Jane or a bunch of deer come in here?

Mr. Parker: Shouldn’t you wait until after school to get drunk?


Never mind.

(MATT gets up and goes to the door of the classroom. When he opens the door the lights go dark red and sounds of a violent thunderstorm play. He quickly shuts the door and the color goes normal and the sound stops. MATT looks confused and opens the door again, but for a shorter time and gets the same result as last time. At a faster pace he opens and closes the door and the sound and lights correspond each time. Closes the door again and then leans against it and goes into a thinker pose. He turns and opens the door, but only a crack. The stage goes slightly red and the thunder is soft. MATT closes the door; notices MR. PARKER is still in the room.)


Have you noticed anything strange going on?


Nothing is strange. Strange is everything.


I….. Don’t follow.


That’s the problem young man. You don’t follow. You don’t follow instructions, you don’t follow the norm, and you don’t follow advice.


We can’t all be followers. What is wrong with going against the norm?


Always questions from you. You should never question authority!


So you want me to blindly follow you just because of your status? I can make up my own mind and find my own way.


Robotic/monotone) Follow the leader.




(Robotic/monotone) Follow the leader follow the leader…

(MR. PARKER repeats this line over and over and begins to walk along the stage. A windup key is sticking out of his back. He walks past MATT who has a dumbfounded look on his face.)


I always thought you were a tool but this is too much.

(MR. PARKER goes to the door and opens it. The stage goes dark. When it lights back up again, MATT is back sleeping in his desk. MR. PARKER sticks his head through the door.)


(Ticked off) Matt, you can wake up now, class is over.


(Groggy.) Mmmmwha? Oh, thanks Mr. Roboto.


(Still ticked) Real cute. It will be interesting to see how you do on the test Monday.


Only fascists have tests on a Monday.

Scene 6

(MR. PARKER leaves. MATT gets up and heads for the now closed door. He hesitates when he gets to it. Slowly he grabs the knob and turns. He sticks his head out of the door and looks around first then re-closes the door. He turns so we can see his face as he wipes his brow and looks relieved. He exits through the door.)


Man this is a weird day.

(He sees JANE waiting for him and jumps back. He cautiously walks over to her.)


What’s the matter with you?


You wouldn’t happen to have a whip or chain on you by any chance?


Huh? What am I, Cat-woman?


Forget it. Just a daydream.


(Scolding): You can’t be doing that you know, Matt. What if you fail this class? I don’t want you too far behind me.

(MATT steps back and looks at her funny.)


What’s wrong?


Just déjà vu. I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.


Are you at least a bit more rested now since you slept through class?


Actually I feel more tired now than when I went in there. I’m going to the vending machine and see if it has any Pop-Tarts.


That’s a nice healthy way to start the day, huh?


Breakfast of champion college students.

(MATT walks offstage stumbling here and there. CHRIS and KYLE walk on from the opposite side and meet up with JANE.)


HHey guys.


You seen Matt today? He’s really out of it.


Yeah I did. Serves him right.


Bit harsh coming from his girlfriend.


I know, but he’s such a slacker it drives me crazy. I want him to do better but my plan doesn’t seem to be working as fast as I would like.




My plan for changing him, of course.


What are you talking about?


Every woman tries to shape up her man. Some like Matt need more work than others.


What are you trying to do, make him like your puppy?


No, not like that; his personality is what I fell in love with. It’s his habits and his attitude that need fixing.


You can’t just fix somebody.


My mother was right, guys just don’t get it.


Does Matt know he’s being trained?


Of course not. Most guys never realize it, and the one’s who do tend to go along with it anyway.


Probably because it’s too late for them to be saved.


Right, too la.. Hey that’s not it! It’s out of love.


Wouldn’t loving him no matter what his habits are be better?


You read too much. Love is never that simple.


(To KYLE) Dude, there is no way I’m falling for that. Next girl who tries to change me is in for a surprise.


Yeah, once she finds out you’re unfixable she’ll just dump you.


Whose side are you on anyway?


I shouldn’t have told you guys this.

(MATT comes back on stage. He is walking slower now and is slouching much more.)


There’s Matt now. If either of you say anything about what I told you, I’ll break your arms.


Fine, but he’ll figure it out eventually.


Hey Matt.

(MATT walks right past everybody without noticing.)



(The three look at each other for a minute, a bit confused.)


(Yelling) Matt!


Huh? Oh hey guys, when did you get here?


Dude, you’re really creeping me out.


If I got some food it would be different.


What happened to Pop-Tarts?


In my rush to get here this morning, I forgot my wallet at home. I could see my favorite flavor in the vending machine, and they were dangling a little bit. It was almost as if they were taunting me.


Why didn’t you just shake the thing then?


It was bolted to the ground. Plus I didn’t have the energy to try. How were your classes?


I was watching a squirrel run up and down a tree.


As opposed to paying attention to the instructor.


It was such a boring lecture. Why should we even bother to study history anyway? It’s all in the past, over and done with.


That would make it history, alright.


Dude; shut up.


(Laughing) So did the squirrel do anything else?


Yeah, it ran over to this guy on a bench. He had a bag of peanuts and when he wasn’t looking, the squirrel took the whole thing! I was so into watching it that when the instructor called my name I blurted out that I was watching some guy’s nuts being stolen.

(They all laugh a bit at this, even JANE who normally does not like that sort of humor.)


How bout you, Kyle?


Nothing that entertaining happened to me but I enjoyed the lecture. We were going over cells so I was really into it.


How in the world can you sit through all that?


It’s interesting. The fact that everything we see is made up of billions of tiny organisms just amazes me. The fact that there can be a whole universe within a universe is worth my time and attention.


Thanks for the info, Mr. Wizard.


Science is my thing, what can I say?


Alright, brainiac, you can quit rubbing it in. We can’t all be here on scholarships.


He isn’t rubbing it in, guys. He just worked hard to get here, unlike some people I know. Chris, you haven’t even picked a major yet.


Why bother to pick a major when they make you take a ton of classes that won’t have anything to do with it? I may as well get all those out of the way and chose after.


That bothers me too. What’s the point in having to take two math or two science classes when you are majoring in art?


They do that so you have a more rounded education. They don’t want stupid people everywhere.


Seems like a big waste of time and money to me.


It’s the government’s fault.


Here we go again.


(Angrily) It’s true; they make up these impossible rules and regulations in order for them to get more of our money.


Oh please, you blame the government for everything. Next thing you’ll tell me is how they hide aliens from us.

(MATT sways a little bit and tilts his head back.)


You read that article too?


Kyle, back me up here. The government isn’t as bad as Chris is always trying to make it out.




Dude, don’t take her side on this; think of the scandals we’ve seen.


The thing is…


(Annoyed) Its no good arguing politics with you Chris, you’re far too hard headed.


(Annoyed) Conservative scum!


Liberal scum!






Communist pig!

(JANE and CHRIS stop and look at KYLE who shrugs and grins. JANE and CHRIS cool down and laugh a little.)


Maybe you should consider going into politics if you want change so bad.


Maybe, but then wouldn’t I be a sellout?


We are all sellouts at heart. We just all have different price tags.


(Laughing) I think Matt is sleeping.

(They all look and sure enough MATT is out on his feet, snoring a little. JANE shakes her head.)


I just hope he learns a lesson from all this.


Let’s poke him and see what he does.


I’ve never seen anyone asleep on their feet before. I always thought it was just a figure of speech or a myth or something.

(KYLE goes around MATT to inspect him while CHRIS lightly pokes MATT’S arm.)


Don’t poke him too hard or he’ll topple over.


I’m not. Try it, this is really fun.

(KYLE starts poking MATT’S other arm. JANE walks up behind them both.)


Gonna join the fun Jane?



(All three boys jump and yell in surprise. MATT more so and falls backwards. KYLE and CHRIS nearly collide as well.)


(Angry) What the hell was that for?


Now that was funny.


Nearly gave me a heart attack. You ok, Matt?

(KYLE helps the still shaken MATT to his feet.)


I’m good, and as soon as my pulse returns I’ll be even better.


Like I said before; serves you right for slacking off.


You could have at least warned Kyle and me.


Where would the fun in that be?


It was kinda funny.


Stop taking her side! What are you, in love with her or something?


Don’t be ridiculous. Jane and Kyle would never go behind my back like that.

(Both JANE and KYLE look at each other then to the floor. They shuffle their feet and look uncomfortable.)


(Worried)Right, Jane? Jane? No. You didn’t?






(Enraged) I knew it! It’s always a conspiracy, there’s always something going on.


It’s complicated Matt, but Kyle is a better investment than you are.


Jane, how could you! Kyle, what the hell man?!


I’m sorry Matt, really, but Jane and I have been together for a long time. We just couldn’t come up with a good way to break it to you.

(The light starts to get red and the sound of the storm faintly begins.)


Why, Jane? What did I do to make this happen?


(Angry) Why? Why!? You wouldn’t change! You were you!


(Angry) I’m tired of being your crutch when it comes to reason and your studies.


(Ranting) Traitors! That’s all they really are, no truth…

(CHRIS begins to pace in a circle flailing his arms and yelling angrily. A few of the dancing deer come onstage and dance in the background. Only MATT looks their way. The light has gone redder and the sound louder.)


This… is nuts!


You never studied; you never worked hard to get here. Just partied and had a good time while I…


You wouldn’t become the better man I thought you could be! You never followed…

(“Windup” MR. PARKER comes back onstage. He repeats the line “follow the leader” as he walks along the stage. The light is now at its reddest and the sound the loudest. MATT holds his hands over his ears, but everyone else is unaffected.)


(Shouting) Become the man!


(Shouting) Embrace knowledge!


(Shouting) Trust no one!

(Everyone onstage turns towards MATT and walks towards him while pointing. MATT backs away.)


No; stay back. I’m happy with what and who I turned out to be. Leave me alone!

(MATT falls down near the back of the stage. The stage goes pitch black but the sound stays for a minute before turning into the sound of the alarm. The face of the clock reads 7:00. The stage lights back up and everyone except MATT is gone. He looks around.)


(Panting) Whew; Just a dream. Chris and Kyle will get a kick out of it for sure. Jane will be ticked if I forget about our plans tonight. I’d better hurry up or I’ll be late.

(MATT gets up and gathers his things. He heads for the exit but stops short.)


Wait a minute. Who the hell are they?

Curtain close.

Andrew Felson

I.W.F. Memories pt. 2

April 8, 2015



Here are the bios that I wrote. I’m not going to fix any of the spelling mistakes as that would ruin this little walk down memory lane.



Titles Held–I.W.F, Commercial and Tag Team(current) Championships

The booker of the I.W.F, and one of the biggest, strongest compeditor the I.W.F has to offer. Once he has his mind set on your destruction, you may never be the same. He is currently teamed up with Maveric, and together, they are doing what they please. he is never afraid to show off his numerous titles, and will always find time to beat up on the weaker wrestlers. His hatred and rage seem to fuel him while taking out his opponents.

Titles Held–Hardcore, Hardcore Tag Team(current) Champinonships

The essence of insanity, Blade seemes to enjoy taking pain. He is one of the toughest wrestlers in the I.W.F. Unfortunatly he has the intelegence of a tree stump, and will believe almost anything you tell him. He is currently taging with Skoomyster, and they both seem to be enjoying themselves here in the I.W.F. With a new “friend”, a Tyco Teddy Bear named Fester Blatz, and a new phrase, Fear Me!!!! He has become more dangerous and uncontrolable than ever.

Titles Held- Tag Team (current) championships

A submissions expert, he is one of the most technical wrestlers in the I.W.F. He has done well in singles, but has found recent sucess in the tag team division. He has allied himself with War, and is currently at the top of his division. He cares a lot for his win/loss record, and goes to extreme lenghts to keep his record with as little losses as possible.

Titles Held-Intercontinental, Hardcore Tag Team(current), I.W.F (current) Championships

The master of skooyness he is the ladies man of the I.W.F. He is a great compeditor, and is one of the top wrestlers in the industry. His mixture of martial arts, and high flying stunts makes him a force to be reconed with. His antics with Blade has invloved him in Hardcore matches, but he dose’nt seem to mind.

Titles Held-Lightweight Championship

One half of the comic relief team for the I.W.F he has have had more losses than wins. It was a maricle that he got the lightweight title, but now that he has it, he seemes to forget all the losses he had. His first win, for the title has made him think he can win, but hasen’t yet.

Titles Held-

The other comic person in the I.W.F. He seemes to enjoy being with Super Crazy, and has made us laugh more than he has won a match. He has the potential to be great, but just can’t stop dancing long enough to do it.

Titles Held-Commercial Championship

The gentleman of the I.W.F. He seemes to be an upperclass snob, but has proven to be an extremly tough person to deal with. He hates to lose, and trys almost any “proper” way of getting his hands of the I.W.F. title. He is currently feuding with War, but has not been too succesful in this task. IFTHY SMELL WHAT THE GENTLEMEN ARE BAKING!!!

Titles Held-

The most evil person known in the I.W.F. He constantly preches of some sort of higher power, but no one knows who, or what that is. He has nothing but evil intenions for the other wrestlers, and can’t wait to cause misery on all who cross him.

Titles Held-Intercontenental(current) Championship

One of the strongest people in the I.W.F. He can nearly destroy the other wrestlers.He is a great athete, and will most likley have great sucess in the future. He has shown us time and time again, that you should never mess with him, or you face the wrath of the Pain Killer.

Titles Held-Commercial(current) Championship

Hailing from New Jersey, he will beat the hell out of anyone who insults his hometown. He has shown great tehcnical skills, and has done well so far. He is trying to get the IC title, but hasen’t been able to win it yet.

Titles Held-

A great wrestler, he has done well so far. He is currently taging with the Jersey Devel, and togther thay have won many matches. His skills as a high flyer have served him well, and can get great hight when performing his Elboe drop from Hell.

Titles Held- Lightweight Championship

One of the top lightweight wrestlers, he has dominated his division for a while. His loss to Nevets however has seemed to weaken his pride. He has had great success so far, and wants to move on to bigger, and better things

Titles Held-

The other gentlmen of the I.W.F. he and Rockford are a strong team and he has shown great skill in singles competition. He too is very proper and can be annoying at tines, but don’t be fooled by his weak tea drinking apperance, for he can easily put a hold that will make you submit with pain.

Titles Held-

A misfit from Pokemon, he has come to try to dominate in wrestling as well as video games. Unfortunally for him, all the other wrestlers hate Pokemon, and don’t find him cute in the very least. He has been beaten up so much, but he just keeps on going.

Titles Held-

Super Crazy has been every where, but has found his way home here in the I.W.F., and is having the time of his life dancing the nights away. He and will most likely make a huge impact here and will definatly give us hours of enjoyment.

Titles Held-

A strange person to say the least, he has black and white hair, and just does the dumest things you could think of. With a combination of high flying stunts and the art of FooDoo he has has lost more times than he has danced, making that a lot.

Titles Held-Hardcore(current) Championship

Not much is known abouth this strange person but we can plainly see his is someone you don’t want to mess with. He has a love of the Hardcore Match and would be a ferse compeditor to the Hardcore Championship. His mentality is as short as his temper, and can become violent at the snap of a finger.

Titles Held-Lightweight (current) Championship

The pimp of the I.W.F, he is make’in easy money winning matches. His victories over the top lightweights have made him a strong contender in that division. His daredevil like actions make him unpredictable at times, and he is always willing to sacrafice his body to win.

Titles Held-

A man on a mission, FU is out to prove himself to everone who doubts his ability. No one is sure where he is from, since his accent changes more than his mood. He has shown great high flying stunts when trying to beat an oppenent, and has never cared about the other wrestlers. A dangerous combination. We’ll have to keep an eye on FU.
Titles Held-

As quick as lightning, Thunder is easily one of te fastest wrestlers here. He is able to launch a quick offence and back off before his opponent knows what hit him. A great ground wrestler, Thunder can grapple like it was second nature, a skill that is needed here in the I.W.F.

Titles Held-

A wrestler who is not sure of what he should be doing with his matches. He can’t seem to decide which is more important, winning, or beating the hell out of people. A very resilient wrestler, he has lasted in matches that seemed impossible for him. He is sure to go far with his wrestling career.

Titles Held-

Hey hey hey! Fat Albert has come here to the I.W.F! He is now making the other wrestlers worried, since Fat Albert will eat anything. He is an extremely tough person to deal with, and even harder to keep fed. Many of the wrestler fear him, and a good thing too, because if you got on the wrong side of him, he would flaten you with his massive weight.

I.W.F. Memories pt. 1

April 8, 2015



Ah, The I.W.F. The “I” stood for Independent which we though was super clever when we were twelve.  In the late 90’s up until the early 2000’s my friends and I were obsessed with pro wrestling. The Attitude Era with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Mankind, and The Rock was a pivotal part of our young lives and lead to some fun and crazy moments.

My friends and I made a backyard wrestling federation. It started out with just three of us messing around in the safety of our living rooms until we were kicked outside. Then we tried to wrestle on the grass in the front yard, but this proved to be a bit too tough as the ground was hard and we were wimps that really and truly didn’t want to hurt the other guy. So we were limited to weak punches and clotheslines and slow fake falls.

We then got the bright idea to use inflatable mattresses to cushion the falls which greatly added to the amount of “slams” and jumps we could do. That is until we popped one. At least we were finally in the backyard away from the normal public so we could work on our silly characters and play out theme music as loudly as we wanted.

Then the turning point happened. My parents got me a big trampoline for my birthday with the knowledge that I was going to ignore all of the WWF’s (now the WWE) plea to not try it at home. Now we could do things like dropkicks and choke slams without the worry of the hard ground and its ability to keep reality in check. We still were wimps when it came to things like weapons and actually hurting the other guy, so before you get worried I can honestly say the worst injury that occurred was a sprained hand, which incidentally was my own.  We were never the ones you saw on the news where they were using cheese graters and broken glass.

We did film a lot of it though. This was a time long before we had cell phones so the videos are on actual tape and are sitting in a box somewhere. Maybe one day I’ll try and retrieve the footage to see my teenage self do some very stupid things. One aspect that I have rediscovered though is that I had made a Geocities site for it. I listed all of the wrestlers, put up bios and really showed the world what a terrible speller I was.  I though the site was long gone, but to my surprise it has been revived.

For your enjoyment here is the front page of the “Official” I.W.F. site. I’ll link it here just in case the copy/paste doesn’t do it justice and I will be putting up the bios in a separate post.

Hello, and welcome to the I.W.F!!!!!!  We are a group that hate rulez, and just want to enjoy life as we see fit. We do what we want, and have a blast doing it!!!!! This part of this fine site will tell of the wrestlers, matches, and current champs. please enjoy yourself, and don’t try this at home!!!
Jersey Devil
Sir Lansworth
Super Crazy
Mr. Sunday Delight
Fat AlbertBIOS

Current champs

I.W.F Title—-Skoomyster
Commercial——Jersey Devil
Tag–War, Maverick
Hardcore Tag–Blade, Skoomyster

Type of Matches

Normal–Pinfall, Submission, Countouts, or Disqualification to win. Weapons, low blows, or beating up the ref will get you DQ.

No DQ–pinfall, submission,or countout. Can’t be DQ. Weapons are allowed

Tag–A team match, two wrestlers in at a time, and each can tag in a partner.

Hardcore–pinfall or submission. No rules. Weapons, lowblows, and anything you want to do you can to win.

Handicapped matches–can be three, two, or uhfair match. Usually its a two on one beating, or with special rules.

Tecnical match–Can use submissions, and holds only. The opponent must submit in order to win.

I Quit Match–Beat the hell out of your opponent until they say “I Quit”.

Last Man Standing–Keep wrestling until you, or your opponent can’t get up by the time the Ref counts to ten.

Chokeslam match–Who ever chokesllams the opponant first wins.

Garage Match–Match takes place in a garage. Anything goes, and must pin to win.

**If both wrestlers can’t get up by the time the ref counts to ten, it’s a double count out.

Bucking Bronco Match–
Who ever Bucking Bronco’s their opponant first wins. A Bucking Bronco must consist of 3 “ups” and 3 “downs”. Most Bucking Bronco matches are hardcore.

Wrestlers Finishers/Trademark movesWar
Special–The End
Trademark–Double Powerbomb

Special–Blade Dropkick/Pearl-Dive

Special–Jim Magarnigal
Trademark–Clothesline From Hell

Special-Skoowy-Kick/Sweet ‘n’ Low
Trademark–THE LEG!!!!!!

Special–The Nevets Hold

Special–Fallen Angel

Special–Gentlemans Drop
Trademark–Genltemans Elbow

Trademark–Soul Snatcher

Special–Pain Killer
Trademark–Jack Hammer

Jersey Devil
Special–Sin Hold
Trademark–Ball N Chain

Special–Flying Elbow from Hell
Trademark–The Drop

Special–Tornado DDT/Senton Bomb
Trademark-Bucking Bronco

Sir Landsworth
Special–Gentlemens Drop
Trademark–Arm-Bar Submission

Super Crazy
Special–The Crazanator
Trademark–The Garlic Roll

Special–Pika Bronco

Mr. Sunday Delight
Special–The Delightening
Trademark–The FROG

Special–No 1 Knows

Special–Money Shot
trademark–The Giant Leap

Special–Frog Splash
Trademark–Fishermans Suplex

Special–Giant Sidewalk Slam
Trademark–The Low Blow

Special–Scorpion Death Drop

Fat Albert
Special-Elephant Drop
Trademark-Albert Splash of Doom


Gonna Rest My Bones

February 24, 2015

By Rebel40000

*It was a hot, sunny day at an old, dusty town known as Sangria. It was essentially a “living ghost town”, the remains of the old wild west, surrounded by the vast technology that the rest of the world had flourished in. As the few locals that still lived in the town continued with their overly simple lifestyles, a certain visitor had just arrived…*

Rebel: *wearing a tattered cloak for protection* Damn desert, blowing sand all over the place. I swear I keep thinking that Flannery chick’ll pop out at any moment screaming “SAND FOR EVERYONE” or something stupid… *sees a man* Hey, ‘scuse me!

Man: *looking down sweeping a porch* What’cha wantin’, youngster?

Rebel: I really need a damn drink. Can you tell me where to go?

Man: Ya mean the pub? Well, let me see… *looks up at Rebel* OH GOD, DON’T HURT ME!! *runs inside*

Rebel: …Right. Moving on, then. *sees a woman* Hey you, can ya help a guy out here?

Woman: EEK!! *flees*

Rebel: Man, what a buncha weirdos. I’LL JUST FIND IT MYSELF, THEN!! *storms off*

*Elsewhere, on a cliff overlooking the town… We see two figures standing, looking down at the place, watching intently. The one in the front was a large Reploid, donned in red armor. The way it was constructed gave him the appearance of a knight.*

???: So, this is location that thou mentioned?

Cyphos: *standing further back* Yes, that is indeed the place! A lovely town, is it not? It’s a shame they refuse to do business with my store!

???: This place is even older than myself.

Cyphos: Well, that shouldn’t be any surprise since you are a Reploid, after all! I doubt you were made back in the 19th century! *laughs*

???: *turns to face Cyphos* Listen well, creten, for I shall make verily aware that thou understandest my true strength!

Cyphos: *rubbing hands together* Hahah, yes, sorry about that, old bean. Anyway, should we not be getting onto business?

???: There is no business to discuss with thee.

Cyphos: Oh, come now! Don’t be that way! *serious* There’s plenty to talk about.

???: Such as… what?

Cyphos: Like your mission, of course!

???: Hmph. Receiving my mission from such a lowly individual… one who wastes time with monkeys!

Cyphos: Hey, let’s not get all apprehensive, now! Although it was a bit of a mess having to release all of those monkeys onto that ship, the end result of gaining their trust was well worth it. *serious* The information it provided was extremely valuable. *smiling* So with this, we can continue with the next part of the plan!

???: Which is thus the assignment that thou art giving?

Cyphos: *raises arms* Precisely! See, the CIA’s former leader, Mr. Rebel40000, is located in that town.

???: Rebel…?

Cyphos: Yes… you may recognize him more by the name of “Magna Centipede”, however!

???: …

Cyphos: Anyway, he isn’t who we are looking for, since we know through a simple process of elimination, that of all the people, the chances of both him and Outlaw being the one is… zilch. But! And this is a big but–there is a good chance he may know something, and if he doesn’t, who cares! Which is where you come in, good friend.

???: So, thou hast decided to use me… for such perposterious plans!

Cyphos: Say what you will, but isn’t this what you’ve been waiting for for all this time? I really doubt you are in any situation to be complaining!

???: True…

Cyphos: So…?

???: …Fine, it shalt be done. By the time I am finished, “Rebel” shalt learn to fear thy name of Charlemagne!

Cyphos: Glad to hear it! *serious* Just remember, don’t kill him… yet. *grows a silly grin* Capture him, and then let me do the talking! There’s a number of things I want to confirm with him. After that, you can do whaaaateeeeveerrr you want!

Charlemagne: *eyeing Cyphos warily* Thou art certainly a strange, little man. *turns away* Thou makest clear, I find thou art a thorn in thy side. The Cult of Mechalcanos ill needs a fledgling such as yourself, who does not yet know his place!

Cyphos: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, Mr. Charlemagne, but please… have some coupons! *hands out a book*

Charlemagne: *starts walking away* I do not go shopping.

Cyphos: *yelling* Well, be sure to always keep us in mind! And remember, no killing~!

Charlemagne: …

*Back in town, at the local bar…*

Rebel: *walks in tiredly*

Everyone: *stops what they are doing and stares*

Rebel: *ignores them and sits down at the counter*

Bartender: *cleaning a glass* What’ll it be, pal?

Rebel: Gimme a glass of Coke. On the rocks.

Bartender: A glass of… what?

Rebel: Coke. On the rocks.

Bartender: …Right away. *pulls out a random bottle from the shelf and begins to shake it*

Rebel: Say, is it just me, or is everyone around here acting really weird?

Bartender: Neeh, what makes ya say that? *drops some ice into a glass*

Rebel: Well, first asking around for directions was a pain in the ass, because everyone was acting all scared whenever I talked to them. And now I feel like I’m about to have a bunch of holes burned into the back of my head if they keep staring at me.

Bartender: Must be your imagination, pal. *pours the drink and serves it* There ya go, one cold glass of “Coke”, on the rocks.

Rebel: *grabs the glass* Thanks. *takes a swig* …Man, you guys sure do have funny tastin’ Coca-Cola. *shrugs and goes back to drinking*

Big Guy: *walks up next to Rebel* You a Reploid?

Rebel: *stops drinking* No, I’m just a guy who looks like a giant purple centipede with a tail. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE!?

Big Guy: We don’t very much LIKE Reploids, comin’ to our town, startin’ trouble.

Rebel: *goes back to drinking*

Big Guy: Reploids are a buncha no-good troublemakers, so why don’tcha do us all a favor n’ git?

Man #1: Yeah, you tell him!

Rebel: *still drinking*

Big Guy: Well? Are ya listenin’ to me!?

Rebel: *finishes his glass and slams it down* Hey barkeep! Hook me up with another.

Bartender: Of course. *starts to pour another drink*

Big Guy: All right, that’s it! *grabs Rebel by the throat and lifts him up* You think yer gonna just ignore me like that!? You got another thing comin’!

*The man pulls his free arm back, getting ready to pulverize Rebel! Before he manages to hit him, Rebel suddenly vanishes from his grasp, causing the man to lunge out too far. During this, Rebel appears behind him and kicks him in the back, causing him to go flying out of the bar!*

Rebel: Yeah, what now, huh!?

Man #2: GET HIM!!

Rebel: Wait, what–*gets hit upside the head with a chair*

*The rest of the people in the bar, minus the bartender, suddenly spring into action, pouncing on Rebel as he recovers from the blow to the head.*

Rebel: *dodging the attacks* Man, you guys don’t KNOW what you are dealing with! *leg sweeps two of them*

Man: You ain’t gettin’ away with this! *pulls out a gun*

Rebel: *pulls out a beam saber and slices the gun into pieces*

Everyone: *gasp*

Rebel: What? You guys have never seen one of these before or something?

Man #1: It’s the work of the devil!

Man #3: I always knew Reploids were the work of Satan!


*The group of people quickly run away, minus the unconscious ones, Rebel, and the bartender.*

Rebel: …Well, whatever. *puts away the beam saber*

Bartender: *hands Rebel another drink* Here pal, this one’s on the house.

Rebel: Gee, thanks. *drinks* So now do you have some sorta explanation for all that?

Bartender: Neeh, probably has something to do with the fact that this is an extremely old town that doesn’t rely on the advanced technology of the outside world, and since you ARE advanced technology from the outside world, the rest of the citizens immediately find you to be a threat and want you to either leave or be done away with.

Rebel: I… see…

Bartender: Or they just hate your guts.

Rebel: Piss off. *drinks some more* MAN, this stuff is crazy awesome. It’s almost… rawksome… in a Majin-ish sorta way. Can I have another?

Bartender: Sure thing, pal. *pours another drink*

Rebel: Rawksomely awesome rawksome! *chugs it down and slams it* Whoaaa… suddenly da sky iz broon an mah teckst b flipin lol yoooo *passes out*

Bartender: Yessir, that’s how it always happens. And now to do my good deed for the day…

*A few hours later…*

Rebel: *wakes up* Uggh… where the heck am I? Huh? *sees he’s in a cell* What’s going on here!?

Sheriff: Ah, so yer awake, are ya?

Rebel: Are you the sheriff or something? Why am I in here!?

Sheriff: Well, after yer li’l stunt with some of the locals, and then getting yerself wasted, the barkeep felt it’d be best to have ya spend some time in here. So here ya are.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: By the way, only four glasses? Lightweight.

Rebel: WHY YOU–*grabs the bars and pulls on them*

Sheriff: Looks like someone needs to calm down a bit more. I think I’ll leave ya here the rest of the day.

Rebel: WHAT!?

Sheriff: ‘Sides, it’s gettin’ late. Consider it courtesy of the town of Sangria n’ all that. Oh, and don’t think that yer little powers will work in there, too. Unlike the rest of the town, the insides of the cells are outfitted with the latest equipment… just in case. *leaves*

Rebel: Hey, get back here and let me out! You can’t do this to me! Damn it…

*Realizing his stay was going to be longer than he had hoped, Rebel quickly walks over to the cheap-looking bed in his cell and lays down, staring at the ceiling while contemplating.*

Rebel: *thinking*It’s been… how long now since the team broke up? It feels like it’s been forever. *closes eyes* Man, I really was an idiot… After being thrown out of the Whale King, with everyone just up and leaving like that… all I’ve been able to do is just wander around with no destination… The drifter life sure ain’t easy… I just wonder… what the others… are doing right now…

*It does not take too long for Rebel to quickly fall asleep. During this he begins to have a strange dream…*

Rebel: *looking around* Huh? Where am I? And what’s up with my appearance? It’s so… old. Wait… is this my team’s… old base?

*Indeed, Rebel was back in his old base, which was situated on the island near Megalopolis.*

Rebel: Man, I thought Anti destroyed this place with the rest of his cronies*! What’s it doing back?

*See Series 2, Epilogue #19 “Dark Time”*

???: Rebel…

Rebel: Huh!? Who’s there?

???: Rebel… come here…

*Rebel follows the source of the noise, taking him through the various levels of the base… until he reaches the very top.*

Rebel: *eyes wide* Y-you guys are….

Ghaleon: Hey there, Reb.

PBX: Long time no see!

Deathtuna: *yawn* Hey there and stuffs…

GDT: Hi.

Rebel: Ghaleon, PBX, Deathtuna, and GDT? What are you all doing here!?

Ghaleon: Well, we’re basically here in this dream world to help you cope with the death of Void a bit better.

Deathtuna: So no team break-ups’ll start… Zzzzz…

Rebel: …But that already happened.

Ghaleon: Well, fuck.

GDT: Who the Hell cares, you’re gonna get the talk anyway!

PBX: I like talks! Especially when they’re about talks. Talking about talks always talks a lot of talks out of me. Yay!

Rebel: And now my brain just exploded. Man, did that sheriff guy really say that four drinks made me a lightweight?

Ghaleon: Okay guys, enough of that. Let’s get down to business.

Rebel: Wait, question.

Ghaleon: Yes?

Rebel: Why isn’t Ti-An here?

PBX: This is for the guys who were killed-only!

Rebel: When the Hell was GDT killed?

GDT: You left me at Michael Jackson’s house*! That was far worse than death, asshole!

*See Series 2, Epilogue #13 “Trump’s Purchase”*

Rebel: Whatever. But if this is about dead people, then why isn’t Void here? Y’know, he’s kinda the reason why I’ve been having mental breakdowns.

Ghaleon: Well, you’d probably beat the daylights out of him the moment you saw him.

Rebel: True.

Deathtuna: Zzzz… he also thinks your… super gay…


GDT: So anyway, we hope this talk is helping you out.

Rebel: How is this helping!? I’m getting insulted in my own dreams, and now instead of missing Void and the rest of you guys, I just want to kill you all! But now I’m incredibly frustrated that I can’t because all of you ARE ALREADY DEAD!! Except for you, GDT. You’re just a prick.

GDT: *grumbles* Iron fist…

Rebel: What was that?

GDT: Yeah, hope the talk is helping.

Ghaleon: Anyway, Rebel, you have to learn to let the past go. It’s what lead the team to break apart.

PBX: Yeah, there’s nothing to say “yay” about that! Just a nay! Nay!

Rebel: So what do you suggest I do?

Ghaleon: Go find a replacement for Void. Just like how you replaced all of us by people who are far better and more memorable.

Deathtuna: I dunno… I always thought *yawn* that I was kinda cool…

PBX: And I’m a loveable huggable crab! Yay for crabs! Nay for the non-crabs!

GDT: My replacement’s nickname is “GDT MKII”.

Ghaleon: Okay, fine. Only my replacement is better and far more interesting than I could ever hope to be. Are you guys happy now?

Rebel, PBX, Deathtuna, GDT: No.

Ghaleon: Well, fuck again. Oh well. Just go find a replacement for Void already!

Rebel: But who the heck would seriously wanna be a moth?


Avi: *drawing on cop’s face* And now, you shall be known as “Mr. Freckles”! Witness as the diagonal lines creates the illusions of millions of freckles!

Majin: I’m not drunk for once… because I have a feeling that someone stole my originality somewhere in this epilogue.

Avi: *paints on Majin* Oh, be quiet sonny, and go drink your bah-bah while I turn your drab self into the wonderful “Radioactive Mushrooms”! It’ll be my magnum opus!

*Back to the dream…*

Rebel: *shakes head* Whoa… that sudden change in location was really weird. I don’t think I’ll ever drink another Coke again.

GDT: You know that wasn’t Coke, right?

Rebel: In that case I’ll keep drinking Coke ’till the day I die!

GDT: *facepalms* So to not make it feel like this entire sequence was a complete waste of time, can we just go already?

Ghaleon: *nods* Yeah.

Deathtuna: *salivating* It was fun… Reb… Zzz…

PBX: *jumps on Tuna’s back* Yeah, we should do this more often! Cameos for the win!

GDT: I just want to actually be the leader of something for once.

Rebel: You guys… I really don’t know what to say…

Ghaleon: Just say what comes from your heart.

Rebel: My heart? Well, all right… YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!

Ghaleon, PBX, Deathtuna, GDT: Huh?

Rebel: Did you guys not even pay attention to the dang prologue!? I didn’t want a new member because he would precisely be a replacement! And now you guys are telling me to go find another!?

Ghaleon: Oooh, yeah. We forgot about that.

Deathtuna: As usual…

GDT: I don’t get why this is suddenly a problem.

PBX: Yeah, me neither!

Rebel: ‘Cause… it feels wrong to just replace people like that. I didn’t have time to think about it much back then, since Ti-An and GDT never did die–

GDT: *dirty glare*

Rebel SHUT YOUR FACE!! Anyway, after that, when all that stuff with Anti took place, so much happened consecutively that it gave me zero time to think. This didn’t happen with Void, though. I’ve been given plenty of time to think about it.

Ghaleon: Well, crap, what can we say to that?

Deathtuna: *rubbing eye* I got one… how about uhhh…


Deathtuna: Yeah… that’s it… Zzz…

GDT: Look, Rebel, I know I was never your biggest fan, but let me try to give some “advice”. A team is a big responsibility. And it’s with that responsibility that you, as leader, need to always stand strong and do what is best for the team and how it contributes to the goal.

Rebel: …

GDT: You know what you gotta do, so just get out there and do it!

Rebel: …I’ll think about it.

Ghaleon: If that’s the case, then our work here is done. This dream will be ending soon…

Deathtuna: *yawns* The end of a dream always means more sleep for me… Yeah…

Rebel: Thanks for everything guys. I’ll always remember you all!

PBX: Yay for character development!

Rebel: …On second thought, no. I won’t remember any of you. *disappears*

PBX: …Yay!

GDT: Yep, complete waste of time.

Deathtuna: *snoring loudly*

Ghaleon: Sigh… the rest is up to you, Rebel…

*With a jolt, Rebel suddenly wakes up, lifting himself out the bed. Wide-eyed and alert, he quickly gets up and grabs the bars to his jail cell, his face close.*

Rebel: Sheriff? Sheriff! You there!?

Sheriff: *walks in* What’cha wantin’, boy? I’m ’bout ready to round everythin’ up ‘fore catchin’ some Z’s.

Rebel: Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Sheriff: *squints eyes* …’Scuse me?

Rebel: If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Sheriff: What?

Rebel: To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Sheriff: What’re you talkin’ ’bout!?

Rebel: Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Sheriff: …

Rebel: Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Sheriff: Now yer just talkin’ nonsense, son.

Rebel: Sorry. I was trying to sound “deep”.

Sheriff: Riiiiight. Well, I’m headin’ out now. It’s gettin’ pretty late. Have fun. *starts to walk away*

Rebel: Wait! Sheriff! Please let me out! I have to get out!

*Despite his cries, the sheriff still walks out, leaving Rebel all alone once and for all. The night already set, all he finds himself being able to do is just sit and contemplate. The next half hour has him sitting in silence.*

Rebel: …Man, already took a nap, so I’m wide awake… Damn it! Is there nothing I can do? And that dream I had… it’s fuzzy but… I feel like I need to make a decision, and fast…

*At that moment, without warning, the wall next to Rebel’s cell suddenly explodes into a flurry of debris, with a well-sized hole being made into it. Immediately Rebel moves out of the way as a large mace goes flying his way, crashing into the floor behind him.*

Rebel: *slowly getting back up* What… what the Hell!?

*The mace then slowly starts to retract, toward a Reploid donned in red armor.*

Charlemagne: *has shield lifted* Centipede! My name is Charlemagne, and I have come to do battle! Enguarde! *swings mace again*

Rebel: You’ve gotta be kidding me–*gets hit and goes flying through the wall*–Augh!!

Charlemagne: *retracts mace* Die!

Rebel: Don’t think so! *teleports behind a building*

Charlemagne: Hmm… thou thinkest he is clever… But I know where thee is! *swings mace*

Rebel: *mace flies over head, dropping pieces of rubble on him* CRAP!! *runs*

Charlemagne: Only a coward flees from battle! *chases*

*The chase is short-lived. Due to the sudden destruction of the town, the people were to quick to awaken and break into a panic, quickly spotting Rebel.*

Woman: That’s the monster that was thrown in jail!

Rebel: *stops* Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me…

Man: Get ‘im!

Rebel: *trying to pry them off* There’s no time for this! Some psycho is chasing after me and–

Charlemagne: CENTIPEEEEEDE!! *throws mace*

Rebel: –MOVE!! *shoves the people out of the way and gets hit*

People: AAAAHHH!! *flees*

Charlemagne: Protecting the innocent… quite the noble cause, for one such as thyself, Centipede.

Rebel: *on the ground* How… how do you know me?

Charlemagne: Thou dost not remember me?

Rebel: Not really…

Charlemagne: Hmph, ’tis a shame. I will suppose thou diest before realization, then! *swings mace again*

Rebel: …Now! *jumps over the mace and throws a couple Magnet Mines*

Charlemagne: *raises shield but gets hit by one* Urrgh… *flips mace up*

Rebel: *gets hit from behind* Gaah!! *falls down*

Charlemagne: *picks Rebel up by the throat* How long have I awaited this day…? The day to finally exact revenge! Thou dost remember yet, Centipede!?

Rebel: I’m telling you… I don’t… remember…!

Charlemagne: Then let me educate thee! *throws Rebel forward and belts him with mace*

Rebel: AAAGGGHHH!! *crashes into a building*

Charlemagne: Such a pitiful performance… I expected better, Centipede.

*Talking to himself, Charlemagne slowly walks toward the rubble where Rebel laid. Upon reaching his destination, however, he could find no trace of the elusive Reploid.*

Charlemagne: …? Where did he–

Rebel: Lookin’ for something!? *appears behind Charlemagne and stabs him with tail*

Charlemagne: !?

Rebel: I don’t usually use this technique, but I’m going to give you a nice little virus ’cause you’re pissing me off!

Charlemagne: NEVER!! *struggles and grabs Rebel’s tail, yanking it off*

Rebel: What the–

Charlemagne: And with this–*rips the tail off*


Charlemagne: *throws it on the ground* What else does thee intend to do?

Rebel: I… plan… to do THIS!!

Charlemagne: To do what–*gets clobbered upside the head*

Rebel: *tail segments reattach* And now for my cunning counter attack! *starts throwing Magnet Mines*

Charlemagne: CURSES!! *gets blown back*

Rebel: Yeah! Take that, Macbeth!

Charlemagne: *rises, covered in scratches* My name is… CHARLEMAGNE!! *swings mace*

Rebel: You’re still fighting!? *dodges behind a building*

Charlemagne: Remember Centipede… nowhere is safe! *attacks the building, bringing it down*

*Despite the destruction, Rebel conveniently managed to disappear again.*

Charlemagne: Drat, to believe he could become so slippery… Centipede! Thou cannot hide forever…


Rebel: *watching Charlemagne from a distance* Whew… Talk about close. That guy is way too strong. If only I had some help… bah! There’s no time for that kind of thinking. Got to come up with a way… and make it happen…

*Back with Charlemagne…*

Charlemagne: *bringing down another building* Pardon my methods dear citizens, but this is the consequence for the guilty whom runs!

*With another swing of his mace, Charlemagne tears through the next building, turning it into a pile of rubble. Bringing the mace back to his side, he scans the horizon, before eyeing a two-story building located near the edge of town.*

Charlemagne: *starts to slowly swing mace while walking forward* Thou shalt be my next target… *throws mace*

*The mace flies into the second floor, causing it to collapse, with the rest of the structure wobbling slightly.*

Charlemagne: Tch, I could have sworn that thou liest therein… *pulls mace back but fails* Hm? What is this treachery!? *pulls even harder* Is my mace caught!?

???: Now!

*There is a “woosh” sound as the chain finally gives, causing Charlemagne to go flying backward, with only the chain in hand.*

Charlemagne: *covered in dirt* Urgh… who dares defile the weapon of Charlemagne!? *gets slowly back up*

Rebel: *emerges from the building, swinging the mace* That would be me! *throws the mace*

Charlemagne: *catches the mace* Thou usest my weapon against me!? Thou shalt pay!

Rebel: Not this time, buddy!

*Landing on the ground on both feet, Rebel quickly draws his beam saber, charging toward Charlemagne who was still holding the mace ball in both hands. With one swift stroke, he attacked at the knight’s legs, causing circuits and wires to fly from his knees*

Charlemagne: AAGH!! *drops the mace and crashes to the ground*

Rebel: *points saber* Surrender now, or else!

Charlemagne: S-surrender? Thou art a fool… I shan’t ever surrender to thee! Not after what thou hast done!

Rebel: Okay, just shut up about this! Who are you, and what the Hell are you talking about!?

Charlemagne: …Thou dost not remember, truly? Thy terrible sins thou hast committed!? Then I shall make thee remember! Remember the betrayal, the pain, the DEATH!!

*Suddenly, despite his body having been badly wounded, Charlemagne forced himself to stand on his feet, sparks flying everywhere. Pulling out his shield, he drew a beam saber from his hilt, and charged at Rebel!*

Rebel: What the!? *dodges* How can you still move after all that!?

Charlemagne: I live for the battlefield! Thou shalt fall to the wake of my vengeance! Now come! Face me like a true warrior should! *charges once more*

Rebel: If “thou” insist… *gets in position* Then get ready for some of THIS!! *charges*

*The two fighters clash into each other, their beam sabers striking against one another, causing sparks to fly. The two were placed in a momentary stand still!*

Charlemagne: *not relinquishing* Centipede!

Rebel: *struggling to keep ground* What!?

Charlemagne: It was many years ago… Back during the early days of Sigma’s rebellion with the Maverick Hunters, and the people of this world!

Rebel: !?

Charlemagne: We were both soldiers; knights of the Maverick Hunters. Though part of two different units, thou belongest to the Special 0 Unit, and myself in the 8th Armored Division, thy commanders decreed we ally ourselves with one another at one point in time…

Rebel: Say… say what!?

Charlemagne: ‘Tis but the truth, Centipede! We, along with several others from different units, were sent to a small island shortly after Sigma’s first defeat to the noble X. Yet… Thou betrayest us! Thou slaughterest all, bathed in our own blood! Thou hadst gone Maverick, which is why I shan’t ever forgive thee!

Rebel: *starting to get pushed back* Ch-Charlemagne! That was a long time ago!

Charlemagne: *becoming enraged* Obviously, for thou hast forgotten! So tell me, Centipede: Thou dost remember now!?

Rebel: …No.

Charlemagne: What did thou speakest!?

Rebel: I don’t remember, nor do I care to! The past is dead, and there’s no going back to it! So why don’t you just go back to the grave from where you came from!?

Charlemagne: FOOL!!

*With a new explosion of strength, Charlemagne manages to completely overcome Rebel, knocking his beam saber out of his hands and ramming right into him. He then proceeds to grab Rebel and starts plowing him into various rubble, until they burst inside of a large, storage shed, filled with various supplies such as rope, building materials, and oil.*

Charlemagne: *lifting Rebel up by the throat* Thou knowest nothing! But I shall assist thee by more education.

Rebel: *getting shaken horribly* G-gaaah…

Charlemagne: *slams Rebel to the ground*

Rebel: GRAAHH!!

Charlemagne: *points beam saber* Time passes, ever so slowly… While thou hast forgotten thy terrible deeds, I have not. By fate, a new master appearest before me and breathed me new life. From that day, my allegiance is to only Mechalcanos.

Rebel: Wh-who…?

Charlemagne: Ah, yes, I have been reminded… Though it would bring great pleasure thou killest, I must preserve thee for… questions. Therefore, I suggest thou dost not move.

Rebel: You… bastard! *tries to get up*

Charlemagne: *grabs Rebel by the arm* Allow me to assist thee. *rips Rebel’s arm off*

Rebel: AAAAAAGGGHHH!! *falls back down, screaming*

Charlemagne: *clenching the arm in his hand* Now, mayhaps will thou learnest his place, finally…?

Rebel: *holding his wound* How about… you go back to Hell!?

Charlemagne: I beg thee pardon? *suddenly gets hit by a blast to the side* OUGH!!

Rebel: *rises back to his feet* Yeah… fell for that hook, line, and sinker!

Charlemagne: *also getting up* What… what has thou donest…?

Rebel: While you were busy ripping my arm off, you failed to notice the little surprise that was in its hand!

Charlemagne: A mine…? *looks down at his own arm, which is in shambles* Allowing one’s own limb as a sacrifice to defeat thy opponent… thou art truly something else, Centipede!

Rebel: Better be careful, it sounds like you are starting to like me.

Charlemagne: Hmph… this is far from over! Thou hast become fatigued, while I continue to thirst for battle! Enguarde!

*Beam saber in hand, Charlemagne begins his assault once more, striking at Rebel at every chance, now with the absolute intent to kill. Rebel on the other, plays defensively by dodging, but he still ends up taking small nicks as his energy is slowly wasted.*

Rebel: *feels the saber brush against him* (Grah, this isn’t good! He doesn’t seem to be slowing down… how can this be!?)

Charlemagne: *not letting up* What is wrong, Centipede!? Has thou comest to finally realize that this is a losing battle for thee!?

Rebel: (Gotta make a new move…!) *throws a couple of mines* Take that!

Charlemagne: *knocks the mines out of the way* Is that all!? *swings beam saber fiercely*

Rebel: *gets hit in the side* DAMN IT!! *hits the ground but manages to bounce back up*

Charlemagne: Resilient, aren’t thee!? Just like the insect thou art designed!

Rebel: *holding side* A-actually, to clear up this misonception, centipedes aren’t actual insects, although we are both a part of the arthro–*dodges another blow*–POOOODS!! *throws more mines*

Charlemagne: *deflects them as well* Enough of thy pitiful games! It is time to end this!

Rebel: N-no way, man! You’re crazy! *throws more mines*

Charlemagne: *watches as they fly by him* …

Rebel: Um, uhh…

Charlemagne: THOU AIMEST POORLY!! *raises boot and hits Rebel with it*

Rebel: UGH!! *flies through the wall, landing outside*

Charlemagne: *looking through the hole that was made* Thy time is up, Centipede. Not even God can save thee in thy time of need!

Rebel: Gah…

Charlemagne: My duty was to save thee for questioning… but given what happened, I suppose I can brush this off as a trifling “accident”. But I am an honorable sort, Centipede, so I will give thee a last word before thy demise. Well?

Rebel: Y-yeah… I… got one…

Charlemagne: Oh? Let me here it, then.

Rebel: I just wanted to say… that… your accent really sucks…

Charlemagne: …Yes, I do believe it is time to die. *draws saber*

Rebel: Also… *lifts self up to look at Charlemagne*

Charlemagne: …?

Rebel: *reveals a switch in hand* …Did you think I was aiming for you!?

Charlemagne: …Thou speakest what!?

*Rebel suddenly pushes the switch, causing all of the mines that had been scattered throughout the building to go off, causing the entire building to explode!*

Charlemagne: *consumed by the blast* CENTIPEEEEEeede…

Rebel: *gets blown back from the explosion* AAAHHHHHH!!

*The explosion in turn, caused the oil located within to go off, creating a chain reaction, as a good portion of the town suddenly went up in smoke. Thankfully, due to the battle that was just taking place, the residents had all fled the town. During this chaotic moment, multiple sirens could be heard, as none other than the Maverick Hunters make an appearance, there to handle the sudden “Maverick outbreak”… It was during this time that the sun had finally arose…*

Sheriff: *watching the Hunters go by, ignoring him* No good Reploids… always bringin’ trouble to our town…

Rebel: *in the shadows* …

Sheriff: …I know yer there, ya know.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: I don’t know who ya are or why ya came to this ol’ dusty town in the first place… n’ I don’t really care. But if yer spotted by them Hunters, they’ll lock ya away fer a longer time than I was plannin’ on doin’.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: So git. I won’t say nuthin’.

Rebel: …Thanks.

Sheriff: Don’t be thankin’ me, son. *pulls hat down* I ain’t doin’ this outta no respect, I just don’t like those Hunters.

Rebel: Well… thanks regardless. *disappears*

Sheriff: Tch… I get the feelin’ that sumthin’ went down last night, sumthin’ that I ain’t ever gonna comprehend. So I won’t bother. I just hope the poor boy will stop talkin’ in them confounded riddles. “Push the elevator button”… pah! I dunno what an elevator even is.

*As the Sheriff continues to mull over these strange questions and Rebel leaves the town, still suffering from the wounds that were inflicted upon him, the Maverick Hunters still continued their investigation, finding leads and clues, as the townspeople began to devise strategies to rebuild Sangria. It was during this time…*

Charlemagne: *explodes from the rubble, severely wounded* Cent… ipede… Thou hast done well… Do not think… however… that just because thee… emerged victorious… from this batle… that the war… is now over… My revenge… shalt come…! *slowly rises*

???: *appluading from behind* Very well said, Mr. Charlemagne! Spoken like a true connoisseur!

Charlemagne: Th-that voice… Cyphos…?

Cyphos: *walks around to face him* The-one-and-only! So tell me, how did your battle go with Mr. 40000? Well, I take it?

Charlemagne: I… have no time for thy games, Cyphos…

Cyphos: Ahhh, I see, I see. *serious* Well, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so rough, now would it? *laughing* All I wanted to do was ask Mr. 40000 some simple questions! I even specifically stated, “no killing”! Or don’t you remember?

Charlemagne: I remember… The obnoxious insect–pardon, centipede… was far stronger than anticipated… But it matters not… for next time, I will… emerge victorious…!

Cyphos: *dropping his smile* Yeah, about that… There’s one teensy-weensy problem…

Charlemagne: *annoyed* And that being…?

Cyphos: *places a hand on Charlemagne’s shoulder* You’re tired, aren’t you? Why don’t you rest, Charlemagne?

Charlemagne: What are you talking about–GAAAAAH!!

*Without any sign, Cyphos had suddenly plunged a beam saber into Charlemagne’s midsection, causing the large Reploid to keel over, with only Cyphos helping him to support his weight.*

Charlemagne: *wide-eyed* C-Cyphos… but… why…?

Cyphos: *grinning evilly* I’ll be frank. I’ve never liked you, Charlemagne. Always acting like you were so damn superior! So, I decided to play a little game with you.

Charlemagne: A… a game…?!

Cyphos: Didn’t you think this whole thing was just a little too suspicious? I already said from before that I knew Rebel wasn’t the one we wanted; I just wanted to ask some “questions”. But poor you, you never bothered to even figure out what those questions were!

Charlemagne: There… there were no questions… were there…?

Cyphos: *venomously* That’s right, “old friend”. I decided to see how things would go by pitting you and Rebel against one another–I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist trying to beat him to a pulp! And I’ve been keeping tabs on Rebel, see, so I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay down, either!

Charlemagne: Then… thou schemest to eliminate us both…

Cyphos: Heh… hahahahah! Yeah, but it seems you two both survived… well, at least, both of you did survive!

Charlemagne: Cy… phos… I shan’t… forget this… deed… for the sake of Mechalcanos–

Cyphos: Yeah, yeah, “all for Mechalcanos”. Whatever. Just die already!

*Cyphos then proceeds to yank the saber out of Charlemagne, causing the Reploid knight to stumble backward. Cyphos then decides to take the opportunity to deliver several blows to him, causing him to fall into a heap of pieces. Afterward, Cyphos proceeds to drop a small device next to Charlemagne’s remains, before walking away, smiling wickedly.*

Novice Hunter: *walking onto the scene* Man, this is such a boring job, and this town is a mess! I just wanna go home already. Never should’ve become a Hunter… Wait, what’s that? *sees the slaughter before him* My God, this is horrible… I need to call someone over here, stat!

*As the Hunter turns to leave, the small device Cyphos left catches his eye.*

Novice Hunter: What the heck is this? *picks it up and eyes widen* Oh my God, IT’S A–

*A massive explosion suddenly engulfs the entire town, wiping out all of it’s inhabitants and effectively removing any trace of existance from Sangria. In the distance, we see Cyphos standing, watching the event bouncing off of his shades.*

Cyphos: Knew those things in the store would always come in handy! Have fun rotting with the rest of those poor souls, Charlemagne! I know it’s just what you’ve always wanted! Hehahahah… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!

The End

Bermuda Shorts # 5

February 21, 2015

Before we get to the last bit of short stories I need to let you in on a little secret. I actually thought the last post was all that was left of the Code: Island Attacker archive. But with a bit of digging I was able to find two things that have never been shared with the public.

The way we wrote the Bermuda Shorts was usually done just on the forum. When we reached a certain number of entry’s they were then posted on the main site. These shorts that you are about to read were all written by myself.

The next post will feature the last epilogue that was written which was done by Rebel4000. The site closed down before he was able to post it.

*All written by Outlaw88*

Insightful Thought # 5

Narrator: And now, an Insightful Thought.

Dramatic music

Narrator: This week’s guest: R.O.B.

R.O.B.: Beep.

Narrator: And to help us out, please welcome special guest C-3PO. Are you sure you can understand him?

C-3PO: Sir, I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. I can understand and translate just fine.

Narrator: Ok then.

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: He says “Hello. I’m R.O.B. and I work with The Rat by being his assistant.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: “It’s not as bad as you might think. It’s really mutually benificial. I fix him if he gets hurt and I get information for him, and in return he protects me.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: “Dragging Dead Man along can be a chore but overall I can’t complain.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

Narrator: Interesting. So what did he say that time?

C-3PO: That one was just a beep.

Narrator: Anything else?

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: He says “For fun I like to access the internet and look at funny cat pictures. Sometimes I like to go on forums and make others look like complete idiots. But my favorite thing is to watch videos of people getting hurt.”

Narrator: So you’re an internet troll.

*Before R.O.B. can answer an angry mob shows up. They chase R.O.B.*

C-3PO: Oh my.

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.
The Eating Contest

It’s the Megalopolis annual “Eat till you’re sick!” contest. Rebel and Outlaw are backstage.

Rebel: What are you worried about man? You’ve got this!

Outlaw: I don’t know… The competition looks intense.

Rebel: Just go out there and do what you do best, other than stink, and we can snag the grand prize.

Announcer: Let’s get the show going! Here are the contestants: The four eyed freak Belome!

Belome: Oh the hunger…

Announcer: That little pink guy Kirby!


Announcer: And Mr. Sewer Breath, Outlaw!

Outlaw: “Mr. Sewer Breath?”

Rebel: Well you are.

The three take the stage. Before anything can happen though…”

???: Wait!

*Takeru Kobayashi rushes the stage*

Takeru: I should be part of this! I’m a world record holder!

Announcer: We’ve been over this already. They wanted new people.

Takeru: I can out eat anyone! Just watch!

Announcer: Can someone get rid of this guy or something?

Belome: Stick for a body, head full of straw, give me a Scarecrow,
Rah, Rah RAH!

*Takeru Kobayashi is now a scarecrow*

Takeru: …

Announcer: That’s better. Now onto the event!

Kirby: Hi!

Outlaw: Hi to you too.

Kirby: HiIIIII!

Outlaw: Um… Hi.


Belome: Oh the Hunger.

Outlaw: Suddenly I miss Takeru.

The massive piles of food are brought out. They place giant amonts in front of each of them. A bell sounds and they go at it.

Outlaw: *Nom nom nom!*

Belome: *Lick*

Kirby: HIIIII!!!

*Kirby inhales. His plate of food, Outlaw’s plate of food and Belome’s plate of food alll get eaten in one big gulp.*

Outlaw: Holy crap!

Belome: My food! You took my food! Gimme it back!

Kirby: Hi!

Belome: HUNGER!

*Belome rushes Kirby*

Outlaw: This can’t end well.

Kirby inhales Belome. A monsterous six eyed, pink beast with a huge mouth and extra long tongue is formed. It rushes the backstage area and escapes the building, eating anything in it’s path.

Outlaw: What has been seen cannot be unseen.

The End
Bakery of Doom

Rebel: It’s just around this corner.

Shadow: Where are we going again?

Rebel: I’ve heard that this is the best bakery ever and I’m in the mood for some comfort food.

Shadow: Considering Avi decided to paint the Whale King today I can see why you’d need comforting.

Rebel: Here it is! Aperture Science Bakery!

Shadow: Odd name for a bakery.

*When they go inside they notice that there isn’t anyone there.*

Shadow: Hello?

*A computerized voice responds*

GLaDOS: Welcome to the Aperture Science Bakery. I am called GLaDOS. How may I help you?

Rebel: Awesome.

Shadow: Where is everybody?

GLaDOS: This bakery is fully automated. The staff has been eliminated.

Shadow: What?!

GLaDOS: I apologize. What I meant to say was the need for staff has been eliminated.

Rebel: Good. I hate dealing with idiots.

Shadow: Rebel, something’s wrong here.

Rebel: Yeah. Too much talk, not enough buying me a cookie.

GLaDOS: Here is the menu. Please make your selection. May I recommend the Mrs. Lovett brand meat pie?

Rebel: Well with a name like Lovett it has to be good! I’ll take…

Shadow: NONE!

GLaDOS: Pity.

Rebel: What the hell man? You complain to me that we don’t hang out like we used to so I take you with me to get some eats. The moment I try to get said eats you prevent me from doing so?

Shadow: Trust me on this one. You wouldn’t like those pies.

Rebel: Whatever. *Looks at menu* How good are the sprinkle cookies?

GLaDOS: They are one of our killer sale items. Please note that the green particles are sprinkles. Clearly not rat poison.

Shadow: I don’t like this.

Rabel: Yeah, I’m not feeling sprinkles. Maybe they have some cake.

GLaDOS: We stay open until we run out of cake.

*There is a faint scream from deep within the building.*

Shadow: What was that?

GLaDOS: That was one of our test subjects. I mean Taste Testers. Those are screams of delight. Everything is normal.

Shadow: Rebel, we should get out of here. I think GLaDOS is up to something.

Rebel: Don’t be stupid. She’s being so nice and helpful. The word “Glad” is in her name so there’s no way she can be bad.

Shadow: Hurry up and pick something then.

Rebel: I’m still looking. Everything sounds so good.

*While Rebel looks at the menus, Shadow notices a strange blue glowing doorway. He walks over to it.*

Shadow: It’s like a swirly round thing.

Rebel: Round thing.

Shadow: I can see the top of my head.

*Glances up and see’s a similar doorway glowing orange.*

GLaDOS: The Aperture Science Bakery is not responsible for any harm done to and by stupid people.

Shadow: Huh?

*Shadow slips and tumbles into the Portal. He slams into the ground.*

Shadow: D’oh!

Rebel: I got it! Three donuts please.

GLaDOS: Excellent. Whice types would you like?

Shadow: I’m going to go wait outside.

Rebel: Fine. Be that way.

*Shadow exits the building. A few moments later Rebel joins him. They start walking for home.*

Shadow: Well?

Rebel: I got a soylent glazed one and a one that has creme filling. She said it was so good that my guts don’t know what’s coming.

Shadow: Sounds… Great….

Rebel: Yeah. I can’t wait. Oh and I got you a bear claw.

Shadow *Gulp*


Beyond Classification

*In the Whale King*

Rebel: Meeting Time!

Metabad: Meeting Time?!

Dark Knight: Meeting Time!

*DK and Metabad do a little jig*

Rebel: Sit down and shut up!

Shadow: So what’s up Rebel?

Avi: This isn’t about the rug is it? It looks so much better now.

Sean: What happened to the rug?

Avi: I don’t know Sean, what?

Rebel: Today we’re going to talk about Majin.

Majin: I like ponies.

Outlaw: Me too. They taste good with a little soy sause and steamed rice.

Sean: You didn’t…..

Outlaw: Isn’t that what was in food we ordered last night?

Sean: Let’s never go there again.

Rebel: AHEM! Back to the subject at hand.

Shadow: Are we going to finally talk about his out of control drinking problem?

DK: Or the fact that he keeps throwing up on everything electronic?

Majin: Or if lice really do see the rainbow of my tuna salad pants?

Rebel: No.

Avi: Then what?

Rebel: That’s the real question. What. As in what the hell is he anyway?

Outlaw: You mean the fact that he’s from Majin World?

Rebel: No, no I get that. I’m talking about what he looks like right now. What the hell is he? He’s also called Wire Sponge but…

Shadow: Now that you mention it.. Yeah he doesn’t really look like a sponge to me.

Avi: I thought he was a plant.

Metabad: Are sponges plants?

Outlaw: I thought they were some kind of sea life.

DK: Majin kinda looks like a really messed up cucumber to me.

Majin: How many licks does it take to get to the moon?

Sean: The leaves on his head, the green color, and vines make me think he is a plant too. But he does seem to be able to absorb liquids like a sponge.

Shadow: I’m confused.

Outlaw: Maybe he’s some kind of hybrid?

Avi: Those get good gas mileage.

Rebel: Forget it. This is getting us nowhere fast. I guess we’ll never know what he is.

Majin: Luffa.
*Based on real life confusion and….discovery!*

Bermuda Shorts # 4

February 17, 2015

Insightful Thought #4
By Outlaw88

Narrator: And now, an Insightful Thought.

*Dramatic music*

Narrator: This week’s guest: Oreo Oreo.

Oreo: Life is a funny thing ya know? I mean why did Trump pick Oreo’s to make us out of? Sure we can easily be remade after we get beat up or something but still. Why not rock? Or steel? I like being alive, don’t get me wrong but… My boss is weird.

Narrator: This has been an…


Narrator: Oh… Continue then.

Oreo: Being made of cookies is tough. I could go stale or parts of me could fall off or melt. But the worst thing is the ants. THE ANTS! They never leave us alone! Always trying to eat us or drag us to their mound. I HATE ANTS! I hate that I’m edible! I hate the C:IA for always beating us! WHY IS MY LIFE SO BAD?! AHHHHHH!!!

*Oreo starts crying, causing some of his face to melt.*

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.

The End

* * *

Book Report
By Outlaw88

*Shadow is in the living room area, quietly reading a book.*

Shadowstrike: Very interesting.

*Majin staggers in*

Majin: What yoooou do?

Shadowstrike: I’m reading. Go away.

Majin: Reading what?

Shadowstrike: A book.

Majin: Book?

Shadowstrike: Yes, Majin. Book. Thing with words.

Majin: Reading… Rainbow.

Shadowstrike: Sure. Whatever. Just leave me alone ok?

Majin: Ya.

*There is a brief moment of silence.*

Majin: *in Shadow’s ear* I CAN DO ANYTHING! TAKE A LOOK! IT’S IN A BOOK!!!!!!!

*This sudden outburst made Shadow jump.*

Shadowstrike: Forget this.

*He goes to a different part of the ship. He looks around and all is quiet. He is in a hallway where a few of the rooms are located.*

Shadowstrike: Ahhhh…

*Suddenly the whole hall shakes as insanely loud music is being played. He goes to Outlaw’s room and as soon as he opens the door the music gets even louder! Outlaw and Metabad are moshing to the music.*

Shadowstrike: TURN IT OFF!

*They don’t notice him. Shadow goes over to the stereo and turns it off.*

Metabad: Hey!

Shadowstrike: You guys are going to go deaf if you keep playing it that loud! Don’t you have any consideration for people who want quiet?!

Outlaw: What?

Metabad: Huh?

Shadowstrike: Nevermind.

*He storms out.*

Metabad: What did he say?

Outlaw: I dunno. Something about hamsters, hoola hoops and precipitation.

*Back in the hall, Shadow tries to find his place in the book, but the music gets turned back on. He lets out a frustrated groan and moves on.*

Shadowstrike: I’ll try the next hall over.

*He enters the next section of the ship. There is a lot of smoke in the air. Sean is sitting by the door.*

Shadowstrike: Sean?

Sean: Yeah?

Shadowstrike: What did you do?

Sean: You don’t want to know. I’d try not to breath too much if I were you.

Shadowstrike: Moving on.

*He goes to yet another section of the ship. He doesn’t see anyone around. He breathes a sign of relief and sits down on the couch. Avi rushes into the room.*

Avi: Noooo!

Shadowstrike: What?!

Avi: Can’t you read the sign?

Shadowstrike: Sign? What sign?

*Avi takes out a sheet of poster paper and writes on it.*

Avi: This one of course!

*The sign says “Wet Paint”*

Shadowstrike: What the hell?

*Shadow gets up. The couch is covered in paint, and now so is Shadow.*

Shadowstrike: Why did you dump paint on the couch?

Avi: It’s not a couch anymore! The world is my canvas and I felt my creative self call out and desire this masterpiece. I call it “Drippy Comfort.”

Shadowstrike: I call it “Ruined Furniture.”

*Shadow leaves. He passes DK.*

Dark Knight: Hey Shadow!

Shadowstrike: What…

Dark Knight: Why is your ass blue?

Shadowstrike: Why are you staring at my ass?

Dark Knight: …

Shadowstrike: …

Dark Knight: This conversation didn’t happen.

*Shadow goes into the kitchen. He has a brief moment alone but then Rebel comes in and heads for the fridge.*

Shadowstrike: Hey Reb.

Rebel: Why aren’t you piloting?! Are we going to crash again? I DON’T WANT TO DIE! THERE IS STILL SO MUCH SODA LEFT FOR ME TO DRINK!

Shadowstrike: We’re on the ground.

Rebel: Oh. So what are you doing then?

Shadowstrike: I’ve been trying to read.

Rebel: Oh yeah? What is it?

Shadowstrike: It’s a self-help book. “The joy of a normal life and how to get it.”

*Rebel laughs uncontrolably for a good ten minutes.*

Rebel: With this crew? Good luck.

*Rebel leaves. It is now quiet. He glances at the book.*

Shadowstrike: Hmmm…

*Total silence*

Shadowstrike: Screw this. I’m gonna go mosh with Outlaw and Metabad.

The End

* * *

by Avi

Voice: ARTISTS! Tired of your eraser making a mess all over your masterpieces?! Sick of trying to erase in those hard to reach places?!

Avi: Hi, Morph Moth here with the AVI-RASER!

Avi: It’s a COMPLETELY and TOTALLY original project manufactured only in Germany, and is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY not some ordinary kneaded eraser I picked up from the local Walmart to sell at jacked-up prices! Oh, no. My product was manufactured EXCLUSIVELY in Ireland!

Outlaw: Wow, so how does it work?

Avi: Just squish it into the shape you want, then rub away! The putty-like compound allows you to mold it, tear it, and smush it back together! It’s so easy, even I can do it! Watch as I erase this raw sewage from this alligator’s back side!

*Avi begins using the eraser to do so–one change of camera angle later…*

Outlaw: *sparkly clean* Um… did I really have to take that shower just for this?

Avi: Yes–I-I mean, there was no shower, child, it was just… THE PATENTED AVI TECHNOLOGY, found exclusively in Norway, cleans your canvas so thoroughly, you’d swear you’d have taken it through the shower! See what MILLIONS of customers are saying about the Avi-raser!

Metabad: It… rawks, I guess.

Shadowstrike: Meh.

Majin: dis bbl gum taests funy

Dark Knight: Well, I suppose it could be wor–

Sean: *begins rubbing DK with the eraser*

*One change of camera angle later, and DK is nowhere to be found*

Sean: The Avi-raser… CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

Avi: That’s right! The Avi-raser can rub out people as well! Thus making it PERFECT for the Mafia, and for surgeons conducting amputations as well! With ordinary erasers, it would take HOURS to separate a pair of Siamese twins at the joint, and with a nasty mess to boot! But with the Avi-raser, it’s done in mere minutes, and without any of the mess!

Rebel, Outlaw, Majin, Shadowstrike, Metabad, Sean: …

Avi: I know what you’re thinking. Products like this would normally sell for over 300 zenny! But through this exclusive epilogue offer, you can get the Avi-raser for a measly 19.95!! But wait, there’s more!! Call within the next 15 minutes, and you’ll also receive… um…

Rebel: Receive what?

Avi: Um… I… hold on one second… *picks up the eraser, and takes a small piece off of it* …um… YEAH! Call within the next 15 minutes, and you’ll also receive the Avi-raser Jr.! It allows you to erase those tight spaces, and it’s great for the kids too! And that’s not all! You can combine it with the full-sized Avi-raser *molds the pieces back together* to form the GIANT Avi-raser! And all of this can be yours if you CALL NOW!

Rebel, Outlaw, Majin, Shadowstrike, Metabad, Sean: *collective groan*

Voice: To order, call 555-SCAM. The Avi-raser is manufactured EXCLUSIVELY in Portugal and is not available in stores. CALL NOW!

The End

(This short is dedicated to an artist’s most valuable tool–the kneaded eraser. Seriously, they’re awesome. -The Real Avi)

* * *

Unwilling Art
By Outlaw88

Rebel: I’ve told you twenty times already, I don’t want you drawing on me.

Avi: But why? I could do so much! The extra arms could symbolize how art can be an extra extension of the mind and body. The spikey tail is how art can be painful but rewarding!

Rebel: I think we need to get you some medication or something.

Avi: Come on, just a little doodle. How ’bout a happy face? It’ll be the the best happy face ever!

Rebel: Does it look like I need a happy face?

Avi: Yes, Mr. Grouchy, I think you do!

Rebel: Forget it.

Avi: It could be like a tatoo! I could make it a tough happy face! Tough guys get tattoos!

Rebel: What part of “No” didn’t you get?

Avi: He could have some barbed wire on him, and be wearing a side-ways hat. Ohhh it would be so tough and cute on you! Hold still.

Rebel: AHHHH!!!

*Rebel runs down the hall. Avi gives chase, still talking about the happy face.*

Rebel: I swear I’m going to throw away all her art supplies.

*Rebel can see that Outlaw is up ahead*

Rebel: Dude, you have to hide me. Avi has flipped out and is crazy intent on drawing on me and… What the hell happened to you?

*Outlaw is covered from head to toe in random drawings.*

Outlaw: What do you mean?

Rebel: She got to you already, I see.

Outlaw: Oh these. Neat huh?

Rebel: You’ve got to be kidding me. How could you just let her do that to you?

Outlaw: It’s not bad really. I like it.

Rebel: Just when I think I have you figured out, you go and do something weird.

Outlaw: Weird would be how that color is going to look when it dries. I have to say, neon orange is an interesting choice for your tail.

Rebel: What?!

*Avi is busy painting Rebel.*

Rebel: NOOOOOO!!!

*Rebel takes off. Avi once again follows*

Avi: Don’t go too fast or you’ll smear!

*Rebel hides behind a corner. He inspects his tail.*

Rebel: Ugh. This is going to take forever to come off.

Dark Knight: You got off light. At least she went with paint for you.

Rebel: Huh?

*DK is covered in plaster and is unable to move*

Dark Knight: She thought I’d look better as a statue. So instead of sculpting it from scratch she dumped me in this stuff.

Avi: And what a lovely piece of modern art you are! By the way, polka dots look good on you Rebel.

*Rebel looks down. He’s covered in spots.*

Rebel: Polka dots are not manly or tough.

Avi: Who said anything about that?

Rebel: You did.

Avi: I think I’d remember saying something about that.

Rebel: What about the happy face then?

Avi: What a great idea! That would go great as a face painting!

Rebel: Me and my big mouth.

The End

* * *

“Well, That’s Confusing”
By Sean

*Shadowstrike, Sean, and Outlaw are sitting at a table. Shadowstrike starts shuffling a deck of cards.*

Shadowstrike: So, everyone set on the rules now?

Sean: Are you sure those are correct? I really though that–

Outlaw: Look, I checked. No one has followed those rulings in twenty years.

Sean: Oh, that makes sense then. I don’t think I’ve played once in the past thirty.

*Suddenly Rebel rushes into the room*

Rebel: Is this room safe?

Shadowstrike: What are you talking about?

Rebel: I saw Avi carrying a few gallons of paint.

Shadowstrike: LOCK THE DOOR!

Sean: I really hope I don’t get like that when I’m old. *Everyone looks at him* What?

Outlaw: Actually, how old are you?

Shadowstrike: Yeah, you claim to be both from the era of Robot Masters and looked pretty human when we met you.

Sean: Let me think….

Rebel: You don’t know?

Sean: Well, I have not been conscious this whole time. I think I spent at least a decade frozen solid.

Outlaw: Okay that explains it.

Sean: And I don’t know how long in suspended animation. Then there was the three weeks I spent dead, four weeks of which I was a ghost.

Rebel: Four of three weeks?

Sean: Time travel. By the way, how do you count time travel? If you return to the same point you left does the time spent still count toward your age? Also do you count time spent in timelines that don’t exist or when time has been frozen?

Shadowstrike: What?

Sean: Then there were all the clone bodies and the robotic duplicates. The time my brain was scanned into a computer and copied. Or just times when my mind was uploaded to various computer networks. All the curses and blessings that I’ve gotten over the years as well keep changing my mortal state…

Rebel: Curses and blessings? I thought you had only one curse!

Sean: At the moment I’m pretty sure that was true… Actually what body am I in and am I currently the original ‘Sean’ now that you mention it? You said I seemed human, right?

Outlaw: Yeah…

Sean: Okay, good. That helps narrows things down… If I went back to my human form this might help, but then I’m not sure what phobias and psychological issues I’m currently suffering from. I think I got most cured.

Rebel: Most cured? Shouldn’t you know?

Sean: Therapy is too expensive to keep up with. Also traumatic events have caused me to to develop new ones or suffer from an old one again. Then I think I have also had some instilled by viruses as well and there was at least one time when that was something I created myself.

Shadowstrike: Don’t you have any ID? Or remember your birth date?

Sean: I’ve lost and gained so many licenses over the years. Also there were a few of the previously mentioned viruses, mind affecting enchantments, and just pain head trauma that has made it hard to remember. I have two forms of my latest ID, one for age says ‘enough’ and the other has a number that was randomly generated at the time.

Rebel: Remind me to not ask about your past again. It seems too confusing.

Sean: I really hope I am the only ‘Sean’ at this point in time.

Outlaw: Wouldn’t there be a chance the other one might be capable of giving us a straight answer.

Sean: Over sixty percent of the time when two of us have met, only one survives.

*Suddenly Avi bursts in the room*

Avi: I finally found you all! I think I found the perfect the perfect color and design for all of you! Just think of how the message we send to the populace as they see us victorious can be changed!

Shadowstrike: I thought I said to lock the door.

Rebel: I am the leader, I don’t have to follow orders. Besides Sean distracted us. *flees*

Outlaw: It can’t be too bad. Besides it makes her happy.

Shadowstrike: You and Sean can go first, then. *flees*

Sean: *Hides under his shell*

Avi: You know I heard everything you just said… *Starts staring at Sean’s shell* It’s so bright and shiny, just like life! The duality of the spiral can represent both the upward climb and the downward fall of society! And I know just how to make it more understandable! *Grabs a brush*

The End

Bermuda Shorts # 3

February 16, 2015

Insightful Thought #3
By Outlaw88

Narrator: And now, an insightful thought.

*Dramatic music*

Narrator: This week’s guest: Majin

Majin: ZZZZZZZZ… *gets poked with a stick* To dream is to follow your heart. To follow your heart is to go on with pride. To play with the world allows us to sleep with dignity. To be able to love is the highest gift of all.

To remember where you came from will help you not to lose where you are going.

Narrator: *Jawdrop*

Majin: I only had me a keg today. Not as buzzzzzzzzed yet.

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.

The End

* * *

A Lifetime in Two Days
By Rebel40000

Dark Knight: *watching TV* Bleh, there’s nothing on. *changes the channel*

Salesman: *on TV* Heeey, there! Are you bored with your life?

Dark Knight: No, not really–

Salesman: Do you wish you could add some “fun” in your day?

Dark Knight: Well, maybe–

Salesman: Or at least find something good to watch on TV!?

Dark Knight: Um–

Salesman: Then try the “Super Turbo Remote Controller”! With this, you can flip through channels at light speed, until you find perfect channel meant for you!

Dark Knight: But I–

Salesman: How does it work? Simple! Just push the big red button on the remote and you will enter light speed, causing your TV to scroll through all of your channels faster than the blink of an eye! On top of that, utilizing the sensor on the remote’s button causes it to determine exactly what you want to watch!

Dark Knight: Sounds interesting, but–

Salesman: And we have a limited time offer! If you dial this number now *a number appears at the bottom of the screen* then you will receive the “Super Turbo Remote Controller” for absolutely free! That’s right, absolutely free for your entire lifetime!

Dark Knight: My entire lifetime!? I’m in! *grabs phone and starts dialing* Yeah, hello? I want that “Super Turbo Remote Controller” that is being sold for a whole free lifetime. Yeah, that one. All right, here is my mailing address and credit card number…

*Two weeks later…*

Dark Knight: *receives a package* All right! Light speed channel surfing, here I come! *opens box and finds a letter* Huh? A letter? *reads*

“Dear Dark Knight,

Thank you for purchasing the “Super Turbo Remote Controller”! We hope you enjoy the two free trial days that come with this fabulous gift! After the two free day trial, you will be automatically charge $35.98 every month. Enjoy!”

Dark Knight: WHAAAAAAAT!? I’ve been had!

*Doorbell rings*

Dark Knight: Now what? *opens door and finds two more packages addressed to him* What the Hell!? *opens them and finds similar letters charging him* I didn’t order these! Why those lousy… *sees the remote* Well, at least I’ve got the remote. Might as well check it out…

*Thus Dark Knight walks over to the living room and sits down in front of the TV.*

Dark Knight: All right, lightspeed surfing here I come! *presses the button and nothing happens* …What? *presses the button more* What is wrong with this thing!? Does it need batteries!?

*Panicking, Dark Knight grabs the remote to try and find the battery casing, only to find that there is none.*

Dark Knight: No… no… *gets on knees and clutches his head* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The End

* * *

Bedtime Story
By Outlaw88

*One night in the living room, Rebel, Outlaw, and Shadow were watching a movie.*

Shadowstrike: That car got crushed like it was tin foil!

Rebel: Hell yeah!

Outlaw: Did that guy’s head just explode?!

Rebel: Super Action Movie 5 is kick-ass awesome.

Shadowstrike: You said it!

*Avi enters*

Avi: What are you younguns doing up so late?

Rebel: What do you mean late?

Outlaw: Yeah, it’s only, like 11:30. This is early for us.

Avi: Yes I think you should get early starts in the morning, too.

Shadowstrike: I think her hearing went out. Go away Avi, we’re watching a movie here.

Avi: My hearing is just fine and I’ll hear no more arguing from the three of you. Time for bed. If you do it now I’ll read you a story.

Rebel: Go away, you crazy old coot.

Outlaw: Yeah this is the best part.

Avi: You asked for it.

*After several bashes to the head the three of them are tucked into bed.*

Rebel: Can either of you guys move?

Outlaw: Nope.

Shadowstrike: Nope.

Rebel: Damn… Why did she put Outlaw in the middle? You smell like a foot covered in cheese that was left out in the sun.

Shadowstrike: And since when did we own a bed this big?

Avi: Hush now, children. It’s story time!

Outlaw: Well, at least we’ll get some entertainment out of this.

*Avi sits down in a rocking chair. She pulls out and book and opens it.*

Shadowstrike: Uh, Avi, thats upside…

Avi: Hush now!

Rebel: Just shut up and let her read. The faster she gets done the faster she’ll leave.

Outlaw: So we hope.

Avi: *Ahem* Once upon a rock there was a time that rolled down a hill.

Rebel: What the hell? *gets bopped*

Avi: No swearing!

Shadowstrike: Ha ha, you got hit.

Avi: Quiet you.

Outlaw: Resume.

Avi: At the bottom of the hill was a giant ant named Biff. He has nothing to do with the hero of the pack of gum that was in peril of being hit by a golf club.

Shadowstrike: This is making my head hurt.

Avi: I told you to be quiet.

*Avi shoves a pacifier in Shadow’s mouth.*

Shadowstrike: MMMMMMMM!!!

Outlaw: This is so weird but strangly captivating.

Avi: On the far shore near the fire hydrant there was a magic pair of pants that went on a journy to find his lost pudding cup. He talked to the three knee’ed sloth about the times and the sea shell that once ate a monster truck.

Rebel: I am checking you in to a mental hospital you crazy… *gets bopped*

Avi: No interrupting!

Rebel: SON OF A… *gets bopped*

Avi: No swearing!

Shadowstrike: *sucksuck* Ya know… This isn’t so bad.

Rebel: I’m going to cripple you if you say that again.

Outlaw: So then what happened?

Avi: Right right. So anyway there was this fruit bat who knew the secrets of the forbidden paper clip. This made the cooking oil the president and the belly button lint became the answer to life itself. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Rebel: That was…

Shadowstrike: *Suck* Messed up.

Avi: Well that’s it. Good night children!

*Avi turns the lights off and leaves.*

Rebel: Ok she’s gone. Let’s get out of here.

Shadowstrike: *Sucksuck*

Rebel: Spit that out!

Shadowstrike: Awww…

Rebel: Ok, cut us out of here Outlaw.

Shadowstrike: Outlaw?

Outlaw: Zzzzzzzzzzz…

The End

* * *

By Outlaw88

*In the living room area DK and Shadow are playing the Ghostbusters video game*

Dark Knight: YEAH! Trapped another one.

Shadowstrike: Causing massive property damage is fun.

Dark Knight: It really is true. Busting makes you feel good.

Shadowstrike: I don’t know. Something about this doesn’t seem right.

Dark Knight: What the hell are you talking about? What can be wrong with us zapping ghosts?

Shadowstrike: *Pauses the game* Don’t some ghosts deserve some peace after death?

Dark Knight: What?!

Shadowstrike: What if a ghost was just hanging around not bothering anybody? Why would they trap it?

Dark Knight: Look, once you die and wind up a ghost you have no rights. They can shoot you, trap you, and put you in a containment unit, and charge an obscene amount of money for it.

Shadowstrike: What ever happened to respect for the dead?

Dark Knight: Screw that, its all about living.

Shadowstrike: If I died and became a ghost, would you…

Dark Knight: In a heartbeat.

Shadowstrike: You would zap me and trap me?!

Dark Knight: Yes, and if you don’t un-pause the game I’ll make sure it happens soon.

*Shadow gets the game going again.*

Shadowstrike: You’re evil.

Dark Knight: I know.

The End

* * *

Surprise Surprise
By Rebel40000

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Damn it, that’s it. I am sick of getting shocked!

Metabad: Soooooo?

Sean: So, I am going to teach you some manners in proper etiquette!

Metabad: No way, man! NO WAY!! *gets dragged off by Sean*

*A shortwhile later, in a make-shift classroom*

Sean: …And that is that. Questions?

Metabad: *raises hand*

Sean: Yes?

Metabad: So, do I haaaaave to say hello?

Sean: *facepalms* At this rate, I am going to end up like Majin… Look, let me get down to the basics here. Whenever you first meet someone, the proper thing to do is give that person a friendly greeting, which means NOT shocking them or activating their curse and causing pain and misfortune on them…

Metabad: *blinks*

Dark Knight: *sneaks up behind Sean*

Metabad: *blinks*

Sean: …Because, if you were to act in such a manner toward people on a regular basis, then…

Metabad: *blinks*

Dark Knight: *readies self*

Metabad: *blinks*

Sean: …Thus no good will ever come from this current behavior. Any comments?

Metabad: He’s got a bazooka!

Sean: Wait what–


Dark Knight: Mwahahahah! *runs out of the classroom*

Metabad: So do I pass, teach!?

Sean: *is in pieces on the floor* Yeah… sure… whatever…

Metabad: RAWKIN’!! *rawks out of the classroom*

Sean: I… hate… my life…

Metabad: *pokes head back in* It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Damn it…

The End

Bermuda Shorts # 2

February 14, 2015

Insightful Thought #2
By Outlaw88

Narrator: And now, an insightful thought.

*Dramatic music*

Narrator: This week’s guest: Metabad.

Metabad: Wut?

Narrator: This is where you tell us what’s on your mind.

Metabad: Orite. Here goes:

Ok see this one time I was all like WHOA cuz we did some stuff and RAWKED at it. We fought stuff destroyed stuff and yeah we good.

Narrator: Wut?

Metabad: It’s true!!! I told em I was like this awesome guy then me and Rebel did a high five and kicked evil right square in the circle! Also triangle and octogon!

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.

Metabad: Did I tell you about the time I got a chicken tender stuck up my nose?

Narrator: Help.

The End

* * *

That Old Class Project
By Rebel40000

Avi: Okie-dokie, kids, today we are going to be starting an experiment!

Rebel: No.

Shadowstrike: Yes.


Sean: What kind of experiment is it?

Avi: We’re going to raise butterflies!

Dark Knight: …You mean, what we did as little kids back in elementary school?

Avi: YES!!

Metabad: DO WANT.

Outlaw: Aww, little butterflies can be so cu…rly. Yeah. Wasn’t gonna say cute. Nope.

Majin: wanta fanta?

Shadowstrike: *imagines being surrounded by Fanta girls* Mm-hmm.

Avi: So it’s decided! Let’s get staaaaaarteeeeeeeeed!

*Day 1*

Avi: First, we must give our caterpillars lots and lots of water!

Sean: …Huh? Wouldn’t that be kinda unnecessary?

Avi: Nonsense! We need lots of water for them, son! Or else they will shrivel up and die! *to Rebel, Shadowstrike, and Dark Knight* You three! Get water, now!

Rebel, Shadowstrike, Dark Knight: Yes, ma’am…

*Day 3*

Shadowstrike: Avi! Rebel knocked over my caterpillar container!

Rebel: NUH-UH.

Shadowstrike: UH-HUH.

Avi: Now, now, boys! Settle down! Shadow, I’m certain your little caterry-pillarly-poo will be all right.

Dark Knight: It looks like it’s having a seizure.

Avi: That’s just your imagination, silly boy! Now get more water, posthaste!

Rebel, Shadowstrike, Dark Knight: Yes, ma’am…

*Day 6*

Outlaw: Oh boy, I wonder how my caterpillar is doing? *looks* OH NO IT’S GONE!!


Outlaw: SAME HERE!!


Sean: … *facepalms*

*Day 10*

Avi: Well, children! Our caterpillars have become beautiful butterflies! Take a look-see!

Everyone else: Cool!

Avi: Some of the results have proven to be quite… interesting! Look, Rebel’s caterpillar turned into a Butterfree!

Butterfree: BUTTERFREE!!

Rebel: First Digimon and now Pokemon!?

Avi: And Dark Knight’s became the legendary Mothra!

Mothra: *unleashes a blast of energy*

Dark Knight: HOLY SHIT!!

Avi: Shadow, your butterfly is in actuality a butterfly tattoo! And, um… it’s on a bucket! *lifts a bucket up*

Shadowstrike: … *grabs the bucket and puts it on* …Yay.

Sean: What’s mine?

Avi: Yours is the unlucky butterfly! It’s filled with all sorts of bad luck-goodness.

Sean: Wow, that’s uh… great? I think… *gets shocked for no reason* AHHHH!!

Avi: And Metabad, your butterfly is the “magic butterfly”. Whenever you touch it, it will make you feel good.

Metabad: Like this? *touches it and starts having an acid trip* Whoa… this rawks…

Majin: wat bout me?

Avi: Uh… Yeah… Your butterfly is… some sort of abomination not known to mankind. It’s kinda creepy, actually.

Monster Butterfly: RAAAAAAAGH!! *acid dribbles out of its mouth*

Majin: sca-ree

Outlaw: Oh man! I can’t wait to see my awesome butterfly! What is it!? What did it become!?

Avi: Yours? Lessee here… yours is that normal one in the corner.

Outlaw: A normal one? Mine is… normal?

Avi: Yuuuuuuuup.

Outlaw: *stares at it with loving eyes*

Monster Butterfly: *smashes it* RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!


Sean: So what about yours, Avi?

Rebel: Her’s is the biggest freak of them all.

Avi: *hits Rebel with a rolled-up newspaper* Bad boy! Don’t talk bad about my butterfly!

Mini-Avi: Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Majin: sca-ree

Avi: Now, now, it’s okay. Avi will take good care of you!

Majin: sca-ree

Mini-Avi: Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Dark Knight: Don’t we have to release them now?

Avi: What?

Shadowstrike: I think at the end of the experiment we set them off into the wild.

Avi: NO!! I mean… we can’t! We worked so hard to make them what they are!

Majin: sca-ree

Outlaw: (I think Majin’s stuck again, guys.)

Metabad: (Bet he was traumatized by his unrawkin’ butterfly.)

Rebel: Well, if you aren’t gonna release them, Avi, then I will! *opens the box they are contained in*

Butterflies: *flies away*

Avi: AHH!! HOW COULD YOU!? COME BAAAAACK!! *flies after them*

Everyone else: …

*Later, on the news…*

Anchorman: Earlier today, a bunch of butterflies attacked Megalopolis. Currently the damage is a record-breaker, higher than any other disaster that has hit the city before. Possibly the most dangerous of the butterflies, however, is a Reploid-ish one that is chasing the rest. We will now show you live footage.


Anchorman: Frightening.

The End

* * *

Test Drive
By Outlaw88

*One fine day Sean and Shadow decided to get some practice piloting the Dragonzord. They both agreed that it would be a good idea to learn as much as they could about the amazing abilities of the Zord, in case they ever needed it. Unfortunatly they were forced to bring along somebody else.*

Outlaw: Can I drive?

Sean: No.

Outlaw: Pleeeeeeease?

Sean: NO!

Shadowstrike: Why did we bring him along again? He’s making it stink in here.

Sean: We had to bring him to make sure he’d keep quite.

Outlaw: Yup! Blackmail can be fun!

Shadowstrike: How did you find this anyway?

Outlaw: You hid it in a giant box marked brussle sprouts. If it’s food I’m going to look.

Sean: Whatever. Just as long as you keep it from everybody else. ESPECIALLY Rebel.

Outlaw: Sure, sure. Can I drive now?

Sean: Shut up man. Ok Shadow, make this thing do some slick combat moves.

*Shadow makes the Dragonzord increase its speed and proceeds to do some kickass stuff!*

Dragonzord: ROOOOOARRR!

Sean, Shadowstrike, Outlaw: WOOOOOO!!!!

Shadowstrike: DO A BARREL ROLL!

*Amazingly the Dragonzord does.*

Sean: Holy crap!

Outlaw: That was fun!

Shadowstrike: Guess I got a little carried away there.

Sean: Ya think!?

*Sean smacks Shadow*

Sean: You call yourself a pilot…

Shadowstrike: *Tear*

Outlaw: Can I drive now?

Sean and Shadowstrike: NO!

Outlaw: Why not? I used to drive a tank, so whats the problem?

Sean: Well for starters you crashed that tank and its broken forever. You also filled the tank’s control room with mud!

Outlaw: It was comfortable!

Shadowstrike: Plus when it was working, you ran into everything.

Outlaw: Aw come on guys! I swear I’ll be careful with this thing.

Sean: Well…

Outlaw: Pleeeeeeeeeease?

Shadowstrike: It might be useful to have a backup pilot.

Sean: Fine.

Outlaw: WooT!

*They switch positons. After a brief explanation of how the steering worked they let Outlaw have a try.*

Sean: Not bad for a beginner.

Outlaw: Check this out!

*The Dragonzord Moonwalks*

Shadowstrike: Dude! That was badass!

Sean: Oh hell no!

Outlaw: Huh? I thought I was doing good.

Sean: This isn’t a toy! If you can’t be serious then I can’t let you drive.

*Sean shoves Outlaw out of the way and tries to rush at the controls but trips over Shadow who had to react to avoid getting hit. Sean lands face first onto the panel.*

Shadowstrike: CRAAAAAAAAAP!!

*The Dragonzord is upsidedown and somehow doing a jig.*

Sean: You guy will never let me live this down huh?

Shadow and Outlaw: Nope.

The End

* * *

By Outlaw88

*On the Whale King. Kitchen. Rebel is holding a large pumpkin*

Rebel: This thing will make the best jack-o-lantern ever! The ancient Halloween Spirits are sure to give me tons of candy this year. Name brand too! Not that generic crap candy that they give you in little paper bags…

*Suddenly Metabad bursts through the room being chased by Shadow*

Shadowstrike: I WILL KILL YOU!

Metabad: Chill man! Chill!

*They bump into Rebel, making him toss the pumpkin high in the air.*


Shadow and Metabad: He started it!

Shadowstrike: You drank all the chocolate milk!

Metabad: You ate all the cookies!

Rebel: I don’t care who did what just get out of the–*SPLAT*

*The pumpkin lands on Rebel’s head. He tries to take it off but can’t! His head is really stuck!*


Shadowstrike: Think we should help?

Metabad: Maybe if we do he’ll make that into a pie! Pie RAWKS!

*They try to yank the pumpkin off but fail.*

Metabad: That’s really on there…

Rebel: MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! …

Shadowstrike: What?

*Rebel takes a swing at Shadow but misses.*

Shadowstrike: Ok, ok I got an idea.

*Shadow carves a face into the pumpkin*


Metabad: We tried! It’s too stuck. Maybe you have a fat head?


Shadowstrike: Calm down dude. We’ll think of something.

Pumpkin: Ah, my face has returned.

Rebel: Did this thing just talk?!

Metabad: I think I’m about to do something involuntarily…

Pumpkin: Yes, it is good to see and talk again. Now to summon my body.

*A tall figure made of tree branches walks up, easily removes the pumpkin and places it in the proper spot.*

Shadowstrike: So… scared… right… now…

Rebel: Um… Thanks?

Jack: No, thank you. My name is Jack. Jack Pumpkinhead. Well, it’s time to Return to Oz.

*Jack disapears*

Rebel: That was… strange.

Shadowstrike: Still… scared…

*A short, stout robot marches in*

Tik-Tok: Hello, I’m Tik-Tok. Have you seen my friend Jack?

Metabad: Do you think the universe hates us?

Rebel: Yes.

The End

* * *

“#9 Dream”
by Avi

Majin: *with a controller* whooo I’mma playin Megermanz 9 *hic* eat dis, Jool Man!

Mega Man: *fires a black hole bomb*

Jewel Man: *explodes, dropping a mysterious piece of hardware*

Majin: Oooooooo I 1der wut dis doohickey duz??? Letz ass Dokter Light

Dr. Light: …Oh my. According to the analysis, the robot you just defeated has passed its expiration date… in fact; it was scheduled to have been scrapped years ago!

Roll: It’s sad, but unfortunately, it’s the law. When a robot can no longer perform its sole assigned task at peak efficiency…

Majin: hey that’s not cool yo

Dr. Light: Which reminds me, Roll. Happy birthday! *hands her a box*

Roll: *squeals, bearing a big, stupid smile* For me? *tears it open* My, what a beautiful hatchet! Thank you, daddy. THANK YOU! Except… what would I use it for? I mean, I’m a housekeeping robot.

Dr. Light: NOT ANYMORE YOU’RE NOT! *tears the hatchet out of Roll’s hands* HAPPY EXPIRATION DAY, DAUGHTER DEAREST! *uses the axe to “shut down” Roll*

Majin: … *drops his controller*

Mega Man: …W…why? *aims his buster at Light* Why, Dr. Light?

Dr. Light: Heh heh heh… go on, shoot. But good luck breaking Asimov’s Laws! The very mindset I programmed into you… you are, after all, a robot–nothing more than a mere tool to be used by us humans.

Mega Man: I… *sniff*

Dr. Light: Yes, cry. Cry those artificial tears! They are like nectar to me. Your sorrow is my sustenance! My power! CRY, MY PUPPET! THERE IS NO HEAVEN OR HELL FOR SOULLESS MACHINES LIKE YOU, ONLY DREARY NONEXISTENCE!

Majin: …I… no wants ta play tis game n e moore… *goes to pull the plug*

Dr. Light: … *turns to the screen* You can’t run from your fate, Wire Sponge. Wouldn’t you know, tomorrow is YOUR expiration date?

Majin: hunh

Dr. Light: You will be shut down. There is no escape. NO ESCAPE! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…

*And then Majin woke up on the floor in a hangover, with nine empty beer bottles at his side. Yet, he could still hear the deranged laughter of his nightmarish incarnation of Dr. Light echoing in the back of his mind…*

Majin: Ugh… *goes to reach for another bottle*

Avi: *entering the room* Oh my… Majin, I could hear you groaning in your sleep. Was it another bad dream?

Majin: Well, yes… Dr. Light was there, and… and… I can’t say it! I can’t say it! I can’t… say it…

Avi: Awww… *comforts Majin and gently helps him up off the floor, to the bed* I’m so sorry, dear… *tucks him in under a large sheet of paper with a sketch of a blanket on it* Don’t worry, it was aaaaall in your mind. Not. Real. Take it from the moth who talks to her furniture!

Majin: But… robot expiration dates… what if you, and I…

Avi: …Robot expiration dates? HAH! I passed mine decades ago, sonny. Yet here I am! My body may be old, but my mind… um… well… is at the pinnacle of its artistic ingenuity! …Yeah. Totally.

Majin: So robot expiration dates are nothing to worry about, then… ugh, I still need a beer.

Avi: No you don’t, kiddo! We all keep saying–lay off the liquor before bed. It doesn’t help with the nightmares, you know. So for now, rest easy, and know that everything is going to be alright. And soon enough, the Sandman will come to whisk you away to the land of sweet dreams…

*Hours later…*

Majin: *sleeping comfortably and peacefully*

Flannery: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!! *sprinkles some in Majin’s eyes*


The End


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