Lemmy’s Day with Morton

April 29, 2016

Lemmy’s Day with Morton

A Lesson in Koopa Marching

Written by Outlaw88


Lemmy Koopa is my favorite Koopaling and Mario character in general. I also liked the odd family dynamic he and all the other Koopas shared and thought it would be fun to come up with some stories based around them.

My head cannon is a bit different than some of the others I’ve seen. To me their ages have been somewhat left open to debate as well as their relationship with Bowser and each other. Since Bowser and Mario are fairly close in age I can go along with the idea that the original Koopalings are not his biological children. However that doesn’t mean he couldn’t have adopted them.  Only Bowser Jr. is his son by blood. Speaking of which, I also go along with Ludwig being the eldest but in my head, Lemmy would be the youngest of the original seven due to his size and childlike nature. He and Bowser Jr. would be very close in age to me.  I’ll do character traits and further explanations of things as I go along, otherwise I’ll never get to the story at hand. Just keep in mind that I’m writing this for fun and I’ll try to fill in any gaps as I go.

The idea behind this story and some of the other ideas I have will focus on Lemmy trying to spend a day with each of his older siblings. Due to his silly and energetic nature the others sometimes ignore him and tend to do their own things, when they aren’t picking on him for being so small or course. Lemmy knows that it’s all in fun and simply wants to play and build his relationship with his siblings. Though he knows it may be a challenge since some of them get more involved in their activities than others. Ludwig for example is very into music and can spend all day in his room practicing the various instruments he can play, while Iggy tends to get caught up with his mechanical studies and work.

Intro over. On to the story!


Lemmy was running down one of the huge halls of the castle where he lived with much excitement.  He had just come up with the best idea ever! He was going to spend all day with somebody and… He hadn’t actually thought it all the way through but it was a good start. He was sure there was more to it than that but he would figure it out as he went. Now all he had to do was find one of his brothers or sister. When not on missions for their Dad they have been spending less time around each other lately.

“No fun in that. I wonder how come that is?” Lemmy asked aloud.

He stopped to think of where they all might be today. As he did this he magically summoned his favorite toy, a large ball with a star pattern on it. Without hesitation he hopped on top of it and found his balance with ease. He was very acrobatic and did this like it was second nature.

Hmm. I think Wendy and Pom Pom went shopping today. Roy’s probably in the gym. Maybe Iggy is…

Before he could finish his thought the sounds of shouting grabbed his attention. That’s right! Morton was in the courtyard training the Koopa Troopas! It was kinda weird that their Dad put Morton in charge of it but if anyone could yell loud enough for an entire army to hear it would be him. Maybe Morton would like some company? Or maybe he would have time for a game of catch? Only one way to find out! Lemmy got the ball rolling.

He went down a flight of stairs and found himself on the higher section of the area. Below in the main area was a fairly large group of Koopa Troops who were either doing some kind of exercise or walking back and forth. In front of him stood Morton and Boom Boom who were watching them and shouting commands. Their backs were to Lemmy so they hadn’t yet noticed the little Koopas arrival.

“BOOM BOOM!” Lemmy yelled in delight as he rushed over to the large Koopa.

Both Morton and Boom Boom turned in surprise. What in the name of the Mushroom Kingdom was Lemmy doing here? Boom Boom, who was normally so serious, couldn’t help but smile and open his big arms wide. Lemmy bounced off his ball and flew at his large friend.

“Lemmy! How’s my little buddy?” He said catching the youngster and giving him a hug. He liked Lemmy quite a bit. Though he was a goof he was by far the nicest of the Koopalings and was always a joy to see.

“I’m good. More than good! I came up with something great!” The little one chimed. He was so happy to see Boom Boom that he hadn’t noticed that Morton was looking at him with a mixture of annoyance and anger.

“Your brother and I are a bit busy right now.”  He said while still holding Lemmy in his arms.

“I know, but…” Lemmy started to say.

“Lemmy. What are you doing here?” Morton growled. It was bad enough that their Father assigned him to this job. He didn’t need this on top of it.

“I want to spend the day with you! We never get to play together and…”

“Play?! You think I’m playing?! Do you have any idea what I’m doing?!” Morton said with a snarl.

“Um… No actually. What are you doing?” Lemmy asked as Boom Boom put him down.

Morton put his hand to head and slid it down his face. He motioned for Boom Boom to take over watching the troops as he walked over to Lemmy. The size difference between the two was really a sight to see. Morton was nearly the size of Bowser himself and was easily taller and larger than Boom Boom. Next to Lemmy he seemed like a giant.

“Listen shrimp, Dad put me in charge of training this group. I don’t have time to mess around with whatever weird thing you came up with. Go and bother someone else.” Morton said sternly.

“But it isn’t weird at all. I just want to hang out with you. You don’t look like you’re having fun anyway so maybe I can help!”  Lemmy said excitedly.

“This isn’t supposed to be fun. I didn’t ask to do this you know.” Morton said as his annoyance grew.

“Then why are you doing it then?” Lemmy asked confusedly.

“The King felt Morton was getting too lazy.” Boom Boom remarked. He had turned his attention away from the troops and was watching the two of them. Lemmy snickered at this.

“SHUT UP AND A BOUT FACE!” yelled Morton. Boom Boom quickly turned around.

“It has a star on it!” Lemmy said with a smile.

“What?” Morton said as he returned his attention to the little Koopa.

“You said about face so I said something about your face.” Lemmy had no idea why but Morton was starting to look really angry.

“That means turn around. Which is what you should do right now. Turn around and go back up those stairs and leave me alone.”  Morton said while looking even more annoyed.

Lemmy was persistent though. He just knew he and Morton could have fun somehow and he was determined to follow his idea, though he was still trying to figure out the second part of it.

“Come on Morton, please? This all looks so cool! You just yell things and they do it?” Lemmy asked while trying to look at both Morton and the activity below. Morton signed.

“Something like that. We’re working on marching in full armor today. I give the commands for what direction they march, how fast, when to turn, and when to stop.”

“Neat! Can I help?” He asked while wagging his tail excitedly.

“How could you possible help? You didn’t even know what we were doing a few minutes ago. Just get…” Morton was trying to say.

“You could show me! Yeah! You could teach me about marching and stuff!” Lemmy said with a jump. At first Morton continued to look at Lemmy with his arms crossed and anger on his face. But soon an idea came to him which made him show an evil grin.

“You want to learn how to march? I think we can make that work.” He then turned to Boom Boom and the troops.

“Company Halt!” He yelled. The troops did as they were told instantly.

“Everyone front and center and back in formation. You can be at ease until I give you further instructions.” Morton called out.

While the troops were moving Morton grabbed Lemmy by his little arm and led him down the steps onto the main courtyard. Boom Boom followed them with a worried look.

“Ok Lemmy, I’m going to quickly show you the basics on how to march and what commands mean what. Boom Boom, while I’m doing this go and get the smallest set of armor we have.” Morton commanded with a stern voice.

“Yes sir.” Said Boom Boom. He didn’t like where this was heading but knew better than to question things.

As he walked away Morton returned his attention to his younger brother who was looking up at him with a big smile.

“We’ll start with standing at attention. When I say attention, this is how you stand.” Morton then proceeded to demonstrate. Lemmy followed along.

“Now, normally you can’t move from that position until I say so, but for now we’ll just run through what you need to know.”

Lemmy proved to be a fast learner. Morton went through the steps on how to turn and how to march saying the commands for each and Lemmy seemed to be picking it up with relative ease. There was some snickering heard from the troops watching. It was amusing to see the tiny Koopa emulate the larger one.

Lemmy was quite pleased with himself. Who knew this could be so much fun? Morton seemed to be cheering up too which made him very happy.

“Not bad Lemmy. Not bad at all. But of course, this was just the warm up. The real fun begins now.” He said while pointing at the returning Boom Boom.

“This was the smallest I could find, but I don’t think it will fit him.” Said the large Koopa.

In his hands was the armor set the rest of the troops were using. Due to their shells, Koopas rarely need protection for their backs, so a standard set of Koopa armor usually consists of a helmet, gauntlets, and a vest.

“Don’t worry, we’ll make it work. All right ya little runt, let’s get you suited up.” Morton said as his grin widened.

This will drive the crazy kid away for sure once he feels how heavy all this stuff is. Morton thought as he took the armor from Boom Boom.

Lemmy eagerly walked over to Morton and held out his arms to his sides. This was so cool! He was going to look like a Koopa Troopa too! Morton was such a cool big brother for… This thought was interrupted as Morton put the helmet on Lemmy’s head. Though in this case “put” is a nice way of saying he nearly dropped it on him.

As Boom Boom feared the armor was far too big for the boy. The helmet nearly covered his eyes and the vest went past his knees. The only reason the gauntlets stayed in place was because Morton tightened the straps right away. He then proceeded to tighten the straps for the rest of the set. Morton made no effort to hide that he was being anything but gentle in this process.

It was almost comical to see Lemmy dressed as he was. It looked like a set of armor had come to life and was standing on its own. You could hardly see his feet or arms and the only reason you could see part of his face was due to him leaning the helmet back a bit so that he could see.

“What do you think?” Morton asked with a grin.

At first Lemmy wasn’t sure what to say. The armor was heavy but he didn’t think it was too bad.  Maybe it was because he was always so active or something but he felt like he could handle this. Kamek always said that he was “deceptively strong” whatever that meant. What really hurt was the straps. They were so tight! But the armor would fall off otherwise, and besides, Morton did it so he must know what he’s doing.

“Well?” Morton said impatiently.

“It’s great! I’m like a real Troopa!” Lemmy said with excitement.

“And that’s the idea. You are going to be a real Troopa.” Morton said as he then turned to face the on looking troops.

“Attention! Koopa Troopas make room for our new recruit for the day. Get in line Lemmy!”

As soon as Morton gave the command the troops got ready as well as made a space for Lemmy in the back row.

“Huh? But I thought…” Lemmy tried to say.

“GET IN LINE! ON THE DOUBLE!” Yelled Morton at the top of his lungs.

Lemmy gave a surprised gasp and tried to run to his place in line. This proved to be far more difficult than he anticipated. He got halfway to his spot but tripped and fell. The vest was very front heavy and he wasn’t used to the extra weight. The helmet kept blocking his sight too.

“No laying down little Troopa!” Morton bellowed with a laugh.

Lemmy got to his feet and joined the line. He stood between two red shelled Troopas who were staring ahead and waiting for the next command. Lemmy stood at attention as Morton and Boom Boom went back up to the ledge to make sure they could see everyone.

“Ok troops listen up! I’ll be watching your movements carefully. Boom Boom will be instructing you so make sure you don’t mess up.” Morton yelled.

“Are you still sure you want to spend the day here Lemmy? You can always go back.”

Lemmy shook his head. “No way! I’m ready big bro!”

Morton gave Boom Boom a nod.

“FORWARD MARCH!” Boom Boom yelled and with that things began.

Right away Lemmy began having problems. He was able to find the rhythm of the march alright but since he was so much shorter than the others he kept falling behind. He was looking at his own feet to make sure he was marching in time with the others the first time it happened and only when he looked up did he realize he had fallen several paces back. He almost tripped again as he tried to run and catch up but was able to rejoin the line. He found he could stay in formation a little bit then have to run when he began to fall back.  His little legs simply couldn’t keep up and he kept having to tilt his helmet back from over his face.

“RIGHT TURN!” Came the next command.

Lemmy made a good attempt at it but was unable to pull it off without falling down again. It kind of hurt but was also a little embarrassing. He was normally so good at balancing. He was glad he was a pace or so behind when the command was given, otherwise he would have toppled onto one of the other troops. He got back up as fast as he could and ran to catch up again. Unfortunately his helmet once again blocked his vision and he ended up running into the back of a Troopa. Thankfully he didn’t hit him hard and everything seemed to be ok.

“LEFT TURN!” Boom Boom roared.

This time Lemmy was ready and was able to turn correctly. He still couldn’t keep up with the troops though and now the weight of the armor was starting to get to him. However this seemed like a minor thing compared to the straps. One under his chin to keep the helmet on, two straps per gauntlet and who knows how many for the vest, all he knew was that they all hurt. His shoulders in particular were really bothering him.

“Still time to give up Lemmy!” Morton called with a laugh. Lemmy was too busy keeping up to respond.

“You’re being too hard on him.” Boom Boom said. He was growing concerned.

“Who asked you?” Morton said with a snort.

“Besides I’m sure he’ll quit soon. Especially after I take command again. Tell them to stop.” He said with a sneer.

“COMPANY HALT!” Yelled Boom Boom.

Everyone stood at attention though Lemmy’s version of it wasn’t exactly right. He couldn’t help it. He was out of breath and panting slightly from all the running and his legs were getting tired. Spending time with Morton was a lot more work than he thought. Speaking of Morton he was once again heading down the steps to be at the same level as the troops. Lemmy wondered what was coming next.

The two troops that flanked his sides knew of course. They looked down at the little Koopa and then at each other and gave a nod.

“One last chance before things get really tough pipsqueak.” Morton said as he got to his spot. Lemmy just shook his head.

“Ok. I warned you. READY? DOUBLE TIME MARCH!” “He roared.

Double time? Oh no! How am I going to keep up now? Lemmy thought in a panic. But as soon as the command was given the two troops on his sides both hooked their arms under his. They brought him up to their height and had no problems supporting him as they quickly marched in formation. Lemmy looked at them in confusion.

“Don’t worry. Just focus on moving your feet in time.” Said one

“No Troopas left behind.” Said the other.

“Thank you!” Lemmy said and began to move his dangling feet.

They continued like this throughout all of Morton’s commands. Lemmy once again was able to find the rhythm and was able to watch his legs match up with the troops around him.


The two troops put Lemmy down and quickly stood straight. Lemmy did the same and waited to see what was going to happen next. Both Morton and Boom Boom were heading his way.

“Good work Troopas. Well done. However, one among you failed to keep up several times and needs discipline. Lemmy! Front and center!” Morton said sternly.

Lemmy did as he was told. He was almost afraid to adjust his helmet to be able to look at his older brother. He was also worried that looking up might make him fall over again.

“You fell out of line, as well as disrupted your fellow troops by running into them and making them carry you. You owe me ten pushups.” Morton said.

“But.. But I…” Lemmy stammered.


Terrified, Lemmy fell to his knees and got into the pushup position. There was a slight murmur from the troops as they watched this unfold. Boom Boom tried to put his hand on Morton’s shoulder to try and get him to let up. Morton shrugged him off.

“Start on my mark. Unless, of course you want to give up.” He said.

This had to be it. No way that the shrimp could want to keep going now. Morton thought. However, Lemmy simply shook his head.

“Begin.” Morton said and watched as the tiny Koopa began to do the pushups.

Lemmy was able to get through the first three fine but visibly began to struggle soon after. He was tired, the armor was heavy and he was hurting. But he had to do it. He just had to!

I’m past five now. Ok here comes six. I can do this. I can…

Just as he finished his seventh his arms gave out. He fell to the floor with a thud. Morton laughed loudly.

“Ha! Is that all you got? Come on, get up!” Morton called. He took a few steps towards the little Koopa.

“I said get…”

Before he could finish he spotted Lemmys face. He could see the beginnings of tears forming in his eyes. Maybe Boom Boom was right. Maybe he had taken things too far. He leaned down and got in close.

“Lemmy. It’s ok. This is a lot for a little guy like you. There’s no shame in quitting.” He said softly.

“I.. I just wanted… To spend time with.. sniff… you. Lemmy managed to say. The tears were now beginning to flow.

“I wanted to s-show that… I’m glad we’re brothers.” Lemmy squeaked as he tried in vain to fight back the tears.

Morton was stunned. Lemmy put up with all of that just for him? Morton began to feel like the world’s biggest jerk. He looked over at Boom Boom who only shook his head in sadness. He then noticed that Lemmy was still struggling to do another pushup. But before he could react one of the troops spoke up.

“Sir! I will gladly do the remainder of my fellow Troopas pushups!” He yelled. Another stepped forward.

“Sir! I too would gladly do the rest!” Several other Troopas began to volunteer.

“Back in Line! I didn’t say you could be at ease!” Morton yelled.

“But sir!”

“Shut Up! No one will be doing the rest of his pushups. No one except me. You can stop now Lemmy.”

At this Morton bent down and helped Lemmy to his feet. He then proceeded to do the full twenty that he had called for. Once done he knelt before his little brother.

“Looks like I was the one who really needed the discipline. I think I went a little overboard there. Uh… Sorry.” He said while wiping away some of the tears on Lemmys face.

“It’s ok. I thought you were having fun.” Lemmy said having regained his composure.

“No. I wasn’t. Like I said this isn’t supposed to be fun. But I think we can make it that way.”

Morton took Lemmys hand and led him out in front of the group. Boom Boom followed and the three of them stood ahead of the troops. Morton then put Lemmy out in front.

“Listen up! We’re going to do some marching songs and we’ll be going at Lemmy’s pace. Understood?” Morton bellowed.

“YES SIR!” The troops responded with force.

“Marching songs?” Lemmy asked. Boom Boom nodded.

“We’ll show you how it’s done. You’ll get it real quick.” He said.

“When I give the command, just march normally. Don’t worry about us or the troops, we’ll adjust to your speed. Ready squirt?” Morton said. Lemmy gave an excited nod.

“MARCH!” He yelled.

Lemmy began marching and to his surprise his brother and Boom Boom were following his lead. Not only that, Morton was right about the troops being able to match his speed. He didn’t have to worry about keeping up with anybody at all! Then he heard Morton start to “sing” and soon Lemmy began to understand what marching songs were.

“I don’t know what I’ve been told.” Morton started and the Troops repeated.

“Kamek sure is getting old.

He will never ever clean your room

Cuz he only flies on that broom.”

Lemmy giggled. Now this was fun!

“Sound off!” and the troops responded “One two!

“Sound off!”

“Three four!”

“Sound off one two… Three Four!” they all sang together at this part.

Boom Boom then began a song about how they were going to pummel Mario and Luigi.  Lemmy sang along with this one and was really getting into it. Once it was over he called out to Morton.

“I think I got it. Can I do one?” Lemmy asked.

“Sure, go for it!” Morton replied. Lemmy then sang out in a high clear voice:

“I don’t know what I’ve been told.

Morton’s stare is mighty cold.

He’s big and strong and real tough too.

So watch out or he’ll clobber you!”

As he sang he began to lead them back to where they had started having gone all the way around the courtyard.

“Sound off!

One two!

Sound off!

Three four!

Sound off one two… Three four!” As they finished Morton raised his arms.

“Company! Halt!” He then walked in front of the troops.

“At ease and dismissed! Great job everyone!”

The troops gave a cheer. This was an unexpected way end to their usual training and they were glad for it. Many were impressed at the determination of the little Koopa who was still standing in place, unsure of what to do next.

“At ease means you don’t have to stand like that anymore Lemmy.” Said Boom Boom with a grin.

Lemmy ran over to Morton and gave him a hug as soon as he reached him.

“Great marching song little bro.” Morton said as he returned the embrace.

“I meant it too. You taught me a lot today. I had no idea…” but before he could finish Morton cut him off.

“Oh no. If anything I learned from you today. No matter how hard I made it for you, you just wouldn’t give up. And despite how mean I was you stuck with it because… Well, you did have a nice idea after all. And hey, you showed me that I can make this fun if I try.”

Lemmy smiled at his brother. He was about to say something but his helmet slid down over his face.

“Can I take this stuff off now?” He asked.

Morton chuckled at this and began to help Lemmy remove the heavy armor. What a relief! His colorful Mohawk sprang back into place the moment the helmet was removed. Once it was all off Lemmy felt much better if not a little sore. Boom Boom began to gather up the pieces from Morton.

“I think it must be dinner time. I can smell the food from here. You two go on back. I’ll clean up here.” Boom Boom said before adding.

‘Well done Lemmy.” And gave the tiny Koopa a gentle pat on the head.

“Thanks Boom Boom.” Lemmy said with a smile.

As he was about to turn towards the entryway Morton picked him up instead and began walking up the stairs.

“I think you’ve marched enough for right now. How about I carry you to the dining hall and you can sing that song about me again?” Morton said as he made his way into the castle.

Lemmy gave a laugh and began singing again with Morton repeating. They continued like this until they were just outside the great dining hall. Here Morton put Lemmy down and they made their way to their seats.

King Bowser Koopa always insisted that no matter what he and his children were up to during that day, they all gather for dinner at night. This way if they had any news to report about Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom, or if they had made any advances with their magic or machines, they would all hear it. But usually they just talked about the things they did that day which was just fine too. Morton, being the loudest and more longwinded of the group often went first. Lemmy was normally quiet during dinner since he felt that he should let the older ones with important things to say do the talking.

“Well Morton, how’s training the Koopa Troopas going?” Bowser asked while looking at his largest son.

“It went great today!” Morton started.

He then went into extensive detail about his day, exaggerating some points while overlooking others. He told of how Lemmy just had to learn from a master and how effortless it was for him to pass on his knowledge. He didn’t mention how many times Lemmy fell down or that he nearly made him cry his eyes out. The other Koopalings were actually very interested in hearing about all this. The thought of their little brother marching around with the troops amused them. Morton was quite enjoying all the attention.

“Was he really able to wear all that armor?” Roy asked amazed.

“Yeah! It was a tad too big but he did it just fine. He’s a lot tougher than he looks.”

“What made you decide to put him out in front?” Asked Wendy inquisitively.

“Well, I figured he deserved a reward for doing a good job.”

“And you sang?” Larry said while giving Morton an odd look.

“Must have been like nails on a chalk board.” Added Iggy.

“I bet Boom Boom wished he had ear muffs.” Laughed Jr.

“Heh. Yeah my singing is pretty terrible. But you should have heard Lemmy. I had no idea he could sing so nice.” Morton replied while scratching the back of his head.

“Really? Hmm. Very interesting.” Mused Ludwig.

“He even made up a song about me. Hey, Lemmy! Sing that song again! Uh… Lemmy?”

They all turned their heads towards the end of the table. Lemmys head was resting on the table with his eyes closed and uneaten dinner pushed aside. His soft breathing was the only sound he made as he slept. Everyone turned their heads back towards Morton.

“Must have worn him out.” Commented Bowser as he surveyed the scene.

“I guess I did. I’ll bring him to bed. I’ll be right back.”

Morton then got up and went over to where Lemmy was sitting. He gently lifted the younger out of his booster seat and placed him on his shoulder. As he left the dining hall and began to make his way to Lemmy’s room he began to notice the beginnings of several bruises forming where he had strapped the armor in place. He really hoped the others hadn’t noticed that. He would have to think of something to tell them later. He soon reached Lemmy’s bedroom and walked in. He pulled down the sheets and gently placed the little Koopa in bed. Just as he was about to leave he heard Lemmy stir.

“Morton? I had a good time today. Thanks for letting me hang out with you.” Lemmy said sleepily.

“You did good little bro. You’ll have to sing that song for them tomorrow.” Morton said with a chuckle.

“Sure.” Lemmy said. Barely keeping his eyes open.

“Get some sleep squirt.” Morton said with a smile as he began to leave the room.

“Morton? I love you.” Lemmy said softly as he began to drift back off to sleep.

Morton paused slightly before answering.

“Love you too.”

With that Morton exits the room, closing the door behind him. Lemmy smiled. His best idea ever really worked. He couldn’t wait to try it out with the rest of his family. He was soon sound asleep with dreams of fun and happiness dancing in his head.

Scurvy and Rum

June 29, 2015


The night is cold and wet as the thunderstorm begins to worsen and to pound the English shore. Not far from the harbor there is a pub where two rugged men are sharing a table and a large mug of beer to keep filling the flagons they have in their calloused hands. Despite the late hour the barkeep doesn’t mind these two, or to be more precise, he knows better than to try and enforce rules on them. Pirates after all can be a problem if they are angry; but serve them what they want and keep them drunk and happy? They’ll cause no trouble and if they are especially pleased will even pay for what they eat and drink. The barkeep, a shrewd balding man of short stature, has dealt with these two before and knows how to keep them in good spirits. He even likes them a little bit as they seem to be decent fellows as pirates go.

The first pirate, a tall and lean man with the beginnings of a pot belly, a short well trimmed beard, and small scar on his chin, takes another swig of his beer. With a laugh he says.

“This is a good night for a drink what with the weather be’in too bad for us to sail eh’ Rum Jon?”

Jon, a large, hulking brute of a man with long scraggly hair that hung over his dirty face that showed a grin, replied.

“Oh aye Captain Scurvy, every night no matter the weather is a fine night for drinking!”

They laughed loud and heartily at this and both took another long drink of their flagons.

“Tis true, very true indeed mate”

Scurvy says as Jon refills their flagons and motions for the barkeep to bring them another mug.

“Hey Jon, we been through a lot together ain’t we?”

Still with a grin Jon answered

‘Indeed we have. We seen some sights that many a man have never dreamed of. Like when we got lost on our way back home from Morocco and we ended going around in circles.”
“Ah yes because my dratted compass had gotten waterlogged.”

Finished the Captain with a laugh as he recalled how he and his crew practically had to start a war with the natives
to get a replacement.

“How about the time when you and I were lads and we set off to find treasure?”

Jon smiled as his memory went back to the days when they were children. Even then they were both obsessed with adventure and the thrill of discovering treasure, both large and small.

“That little raft we made of driftwood that we used to cross the stream just out of town. That was the real start of all this. How you came about a map is beyond me but sure enough it led us to our first chest of treasure.”

“Oh aye treasure it was, just an old trunk with some clothes in it. Not worth a thing to anyone but us.”

Said the Captain. He then turned to the barkeep and shouted.

“Bring us some food on the double! Roasted pork will do us fine and don’t hold back non on the dressings.”

“Give us some bread too”

Added Rum Jon. The barkeep nodded and quickly went to the kitchen to get them what they wanted. He did not want to miss their conversation. Talk of adventure, pirates, and treasure always excited him.

“Captain, where did you get that map anyway?”

Scurvy smiled at his old friend.

“Jon I drew it on some paper. I’ve always been good at drawing up maps and I did it just for fun. I had no idea we would actually find
somethin’. It’s a wonder how things turned out for us since that. We even joined the royal navy together.”
Jon chuckled at learning that their discovery had been by chance.

“Aye the RN taught us the sea and now we either fight or run from them.”

Their food now in front of them they begin to feast while they talk.

“Say Jon, where did your nickname come from? You never drink rum. It always disagreed with you. ”

As he wiped some juice away from his mouth he replied.

“While in the navy I used to break rum bottles over my head for a laugh. The name just stuck after that. I always had me a hard head.”

They both laughed at this and continued to eat. Jon knew about his Captain’s name. Chris Mattern, while serving on board his first naval ship learned the hard way on what to eat while at sea. He got so sick that the navy nearly discharged him once they got him back on land to recover. Since then he took the nickname as both a joke and a reminder of hard lessons learned. With the food now gone the two pirates began to gather up their things. To show the barkeep that they meant no harm they had always left their weapons at the door. Their coats and hats however were on the floor near the table and these they now picked up.

“Say Jon, why do you always have to be so formal? You needn’t call me Captain when it’s just you and me here. I appreciate it when its in front of the crew, but we been mates for as long as I can recall.”

“I know.”

Jon replied

“I just keep to habit is all. If I started calling you by your first name all the time I would forget to keep to titles later. Besides Chris Scurvy doesn’t have the same ring to it. Speaking of the crew, we need to do some recruitin’ soon. Our last fight with those French dogs hurt us plenty it did.”

Before Captain Scurvy could answer they both turned in surprise when the barkeep leaps from where he stood and begged to be let on board. The pirates stood looking at him for a minute in silence and glanced at each other. Both broke out in laughter.

‘Captain we have ourselves an adventurous one. What say you?”

Laughing loud Scurvy ordered:

“We can always use a man like that, bring everything of value from this place and get it on the ship on the double. We’ll make a
pirate of you yet!”

No One’s Looking

June 13, 2015

Here is another short that I wrote a while ago. Felt like sharing it.


No One’s Looking



Statue of a Man

Statue of a Woman



In a small room in a fancy house two statues stand at the far corners and are facing the door leading in .(The audience) The statues are incredible works of art; the man looking noble and the woman the essence of beauty. A clock chimes midnight from somewhere in the house.


Slight movement as the woman inches her head towards the man

Woman Statue: Do you think they are all asleep my love?

Man Statue: Hard to say. (More softly) Better we keep it down until we are sure.

Woman: I do not wish to stay quiet anymore. We do enough of that during the day.

Man: Yes, but that is what we must do. It is our purpose to be looked at and spoken about but never spoken to.

The statue of a man moves his arms a bit but does not move his head. He continues to watch the door.

Woman: They are silly things; people.  What do you make of them?

Man: They can be interesting and a nuisance, often both at the same time.

Woman: Tell me who bothers you.

The woman, now moving more fluidly turns her whole self to the man. The man turns slightly from his position, but still keeps watch on the door.

Man: The snooty stuck up ones. Always assuming they are better than everyone else because they have more of everything. Underneath it all they are never happy, it shows on their faces.

Woman: I have noticed that myself. I don’t care for the maids.

Man: (Now fully turning towards the woman.) The maids?

Woman: Yes. They are so very rough when they are cleaning. It’s supposed to be a dust rag, not a club! I think next time they do that I’ll give them a good smack.

Man: (Laughing.) You’d give them a heart attack if you do.

Woman: Is it time yet?

Man: No, not yet. What people do you like?

Woman: I like it when they bring the children.

Man: The children?

Women: (Happily) When they look at us, they do not try to think about meaning, style, method, or any of that nonsense the artists talk about. When they look at us, they see the life we have, the beauty of life.

Man: I too have felt this way. The world has not gotten to them yet.

The clock now strikes three

Man and Woman together: At last!

They move towards each other. Their steps just as artful as their forms, they quicken and finally reach and embrace one another. They begin to sway and move in unison.

Woman: How I long to dance with you during the day. It is sheer torture to see you across the room and not be able to go to you. A few hours at night are not enough!

Man: I am happy with the time we get. I could stay in the corner for centuries if it meant I could dance only a minute with you.

They dance more eloquently now. Never once letting each other go, they move all around the room laughing all the while.

Woman: Why must we stay apart? Why can’t we stay like this forever?

Man: It is how we were made to be. People would not understand.

They dance more quickly now, using everything in the room; gravity could not hope to contain them; even the walls became a stage.

Man: Tomorrow will be here soon.

Woman: Let’s think of something funny to amuse ourselves during the day.

Man: I’ll make a parody of the looks they give us. (He puts his nose in the air and imitates the snobs they see so often)

Woman: (giggling) I’ll move my eye’s when they aren’t looking.

The clock now strikes seven

Man: Our dance is at an end. We must return to our places.

Woman: Time is always our enemy isn’t it?

Man: No, we can outlast time; we will always do each day.

They reluctantly let each other go and return to their spots. Stiffness taking them once more.

Hazy Day

June 7, 2015

This was a one act play I wrote a long while ago. Looking at it now I can see that I’ve improved, and that this isn’t nearly as good as some of my C:IA stuff.  I figured I would share it anyway.

Hazy Day

By: Andrew Felson


MATT: Slacker college student. Fairly bright but very lazy. Dressed punk rocker style.

JANE: MATT’S Girlfriend. On the bossy side. Dressed “preppy.”

CHRIS: MATT’S friend. Rebellious. Dressed in the grunge style.

KYLE: MATT’S friend. Hard working and very smart. Dressed “preppy.”

  1. PARKER: Math professor. Dressed formal.

Scene: 1

The room is dimly lit as MATT walks onstage. He is walking slowly with a bit of a slump. He is headed towards something but right now it is too dark for us to see.


(Yawning) Oh man, what a night. Thought I’d never get that stupid report done.

(MATT stretches out his arms out and walks over to the bed that has now become spot-lighted as well. The bed is located at the furthest right corner of the stage.)


Time to hit the sack.

(MATT doesn’t even bother to pull the covers down. He simply flops face first on the pillow and quickly finds a comfortable position. There is a moment of silence; then very loudly an alarm clock goes off and a face of a clock is illuminated on the wall showing 7:00. MATT is jolted and tumbles to the floor.)



(MATT runs offstage. He returns but now closer to the front of the stage.)

Scene 2

(The stage is now fully lit and we see that he is in front of a college campus. Two people standing in front of the entrance. He walks towards them.)


I can’t believe its morning already. (Calling) Chris; Kyle, what up guys?


Yo Matt, you running late for your algebra class?


I still have a few minutes. (Yawns) Damn, am I tired.


What did you do? Party all night or something?


Nahh, I was finishing that English report that’s due



Finishing, or just starting?


(Chuckling) Yeah, that too. I’ve never pulled an all-nighter before. Feels really weird to not have slept. I’m so drowsy that I nearly walked into a stop sign on the way here.

(MATT rubs his eyes for a moment.)


Jane was looking for you. Said she would meet you in class later.


Huh? Did you just say Jane made a pass at Wally Gator?

(CHRIS and KYLE look at each other, and then start laughing.)


Man, you really are out of it, huh?


Whoa, that one passed right through the filter.


The what?


The filter. You know; the thing that blocks you from saying the stuff that pops in your head? It’s what stops you from putting your foot in your mouth, most of the time anyway.


(To KYLE): I can’t believe you’ve never heard of that.


I know what you’re talking about; I just call it common sense.


Common sense is a dumb phrase. If sense were really common, everyone would have some.


Very true. But what would we call it then?


Uncommon sense would be too unoriginal. Is there a word that means some people have it and others don’t? Like some are rich and others are poor?


I don’t think so.  Even if there was it would get banned faster than it got made.

(MATT yawns loudly again and checks his watch.)


Damn I’m going to be late! I gotta get to class. This day can’t end soon enough.


See you after class.


Later, dude.


Think he’ll make it through the day?


Can the government make smart decisions?

(Both laugh as they walk offstage.)

Scene 3

(MATT enters the door and sits at his desk and puts his head down. He is just about to nod off when JANE walks in and taps him on the back.)


(Playfully) Get up, you!


(Groggily) Hmmuhhhh.. What? Oh hey, babe. What’s up?


By the looks of things, certainly not you.


Very funny. We don’t have a test or anything today, do we? I can hardly keep my eyes open, a test is something I can’t handle right now.


No test, but we‘re reviewing for one so you need to pay attention.


(Sarcastically) Great. How come you decided to take this class on the days I didn’t?


Because if we were here together, you would be thinking of me and not the class.


Good point. Why do you care so much about how I do?


Because I’m your girlfriend and I care about you, and besides what would my friends think if I was dating a loser?

(Brief pause as MATT gives her a hard look)


Of course I was joking. But I want you to succeed in life.


I’ll make due, don’t worry. The world won’t end if I can’t master the quadratic formula.
(MR. PARKER walks in.)


I’ll see you after class.

(JANE leaves.)


Good morning everyone. I trust you are ready to go over the material for your next test.


(To himself) Not really.


After this test we will begin more complex functions. I expect everyone to do well on this exam so I’m very excited to see the results.


(Sarcastically and very loud) More excited than a fat guy at a bake sale.

(MATT puts his hand over his mouth. MR. PARKER glares at him.)


(Sternly) Is there a problem Matt?


No sir! Sorry.


(Sternly) Any more outbursts like that and you can forget about that extra credit you have been bugging me for. Now then, let’s get started.


(To himself) Jerk.

(MATT puts his head down again. The stage goes dim and strange music begins to play. MATT gets up and looks around bewildered.)


What the hell?

(A line of deer wearing top hats dance onto the stage and the music gets slightly louder. MATT backs away from his desk as he watches the deer dance around.)


I’m not sure if I should be scared, or entertained.

(The deer circle around MATT while the music gets louder and louder.)


Stop! This is madness!

(The stage goes black for a minute. When it lights back up, MATT is back in his desk.)


(Shouts) Deer!



(MATT looks around the room confused. The rest of the class has gone.)


Um… Sorry about that.


Are you aware that you were making strange noises? I hope you find time to study over the weekend because you are going to need it. Now get out of here!

(MATT gets up and walks out of the room, shaking his head and yawning.)

Scene 4

(JANE comes back onstage.)


So how did it go?


I’m not too sure actually. I fell asleep during class.


(Scolding): You can’t be doing that you know, Matt. What if you fail this class? I don’t want you too far behind me.


I’m not going to fail. I’ll just have to study hard this weekend. Thank God today’s Friday.

(JANE starts to shake a bit.)


We had plans this weekend remember? Fridays at Fridays.


I know, I know. I’m going to take a long nap when I get home. I’ll set my alarm for seven and pick you up a little after that.

(JANE now begins to pace while still jerking around)


Seven! Seven! Twenty-four and a third! Snake eyes!




Jane, Jane, Aero-plain! Once had a life, now we’re the same!

(MATT begins to back up as JANE moves towards him, now with a whip in her hand, she follows his every move.)


(Alarmed) Jane, what the hell is the matter with you?


(Singing) Same, same, what a shame. Can’t do math with little brain. Jane Jane; in the lane. I’ve got you on my chain.


The same? Are you trying to tell me I’m becoming you? You aren’t making sense! And my brain’s just fine!


No need for sense, you follow what I say. When nonsense is normal, normality becomes taboo. I say, you do.

(JANE follows MATT all along the stage and whips at him a few times until he stumbles and falls over. The stage darkens. When it lights back up again, MATT is sleeping in his desk in MR. PARKER’S room.)

Scene 5


(Muttering): Say and do.

(MR. PARKER goes over and taps MATT who yells the moment he does and nearly falls out of his chair.)


Are you ok? What in the world was all that about?

(MATT looks around totally bewildered. The rest of the class is leaving.)


Did either Jane or a bunch of deer come in here?

Mr. Parker: Shouldn’t you wait until after school to get drunk?


Never mind.

(MATT gets up and goes to the door of the classroom. When he opens the door the lights go dark red and sounds of a violent thunderstorm play. He quickly shuts the door and the color goes normal and the sound stops. MATT looks confused and opens the door again, but for a shorter time and gets the same result as last time. At a faster pace he opens and closes the door and the sound and lights correspond each time. Closes the door again and then leans against it and goes into a thinker pose. He turns and opens the door, but only a crack. The stage goes slightly red and the thunder is soft. MATT closes the door; notices MR. PARKER is still in the room.)


Have you noticed anything strange going on?


Nothing is strange. Strange is everything.


I….. Don’t follow.


That’s the problem young man. You don’t follow. You don’t follow instructions, you don’t follow the norm, and you don’t follow advice.


We can’t all be followers. What is wrong with going against the norm?


Always questions from you. You should never question authority!


So you want me to blindly follow you just because of your status? I can make up my own mind and find my own way.


Robotic/monotone) Follow the leader.




(Robotic/monotone) Follow the leader follow the leader…

(MR. PARKER repeats this line over and over and begins to walk along the stage. A windup key is sticking out of his back. He walks past MATT who has a dumbfounded look on his face.)


I always thought you were a tool but this is too much.

(MR. PARKER goes to the door and opens it. The stage goes dark. When it lights back up again, MATT is back sleeping in his desk. MR. PARKER sticks his head through the door.)


(Ticked off) Matt, you can wake up now, class is over.


(Groggy.) Mmmmwha? Oh, thanks Mr. Roboto.


(Still ticked) Real cute. It will be interesting to see how you do on the test Monday.


Only fascists have tests on a Monday.

Scene 6

(MR. PARKER leaves. MATT gets up and heads for the now closed door. He hesitates when he gets to it. Slowly he grabs the knob and turns. He sticks his head out of the door and looks around first then re-closes the door. He turns so we can see his face as he wipes his brow and looks relieved. He exits through the door.)


Man this is a weird day.

(He sees JANE waiting for him and jumps back. He cautiously walks over to her.)


What’s the matter with you?


You wouldn’t happen to have a whip or chain on you by any chance?


Huh? What am I, Cat-woman?


Forget it. Just a daydream.


(Scolding): You can’t be doing that you know, Matt. What if you fail this class? I don’t want you too far behind me.

(MATT steps back and looks at her funny.)


What’s wrong?


Just déjà vu. I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.


Are you at least a bit more rested now since you slept through class?


Actually I feel more tired now than when I went in there. I’m going to the vending machine and see if it has any Pop-Tarts.


That’s a nice healthy way to start the day, huh?


Breakfast of champion college students.

(MATT walks offstage stumbling here and there. CHRIS and KYLE walk on from the opposite side and meet up with JANE.)


HHey guys.


You seen Matt today? He’s really out of it.


Yeah I did. Serves him right.


Bit harsh coming from his girlfriend.


I know, but he’s such a slacker it drives me crazy. I want him to do better but my plan doesn’t seem to be working as fast as I would like.




My plan for changing him, of course.


What are you talking about?


Every woman tries to shape up her man. Some like Matt need more work than others.


What are you trying to do, make him like your puppy?


No, not like that; his personality is what I fell in love with. It’s his habits and his attitude that need fixing.


You can’t just fix somebody.


My mother was right, guys just don’t get it.


Does Matt know he’s being trained?


Of course not. Most guys never realize it, and the one’s who do tend to go along with it anyway.


Probably because it’s too late for them to be saved.


Right, too la.. Hey that’s not it! It’s out of love.


Wouldn’t loving him no matter what his habits are be better?


You read too much. Love is never that simple.


(To KYLE) Dude, there is no way I’m falling for that. Next girl who tries to change me is in for a surprise.


Yeah, once she finds out you’re unfixable she’ll just dump you.


Whose side are you on anyway?


I shouldn’t have told you guys this.

(MATT comes back on stage. He is walking slower now and is slouching much more.)


There’s Matt now. If either of you say anything about what I told you, I’ll break your arms.


Fine, but he’ll figure it out eventually.


Hey Matt.

(MATT walks right past everybody without noticing.)



(The three look at each other for a minute, a bit confused.)


(Yelling) Matt!


Huh? Oh hey guys, when did you get here?


Dude, you’re really creeping me out.


If I got some food it would be different.


What happened to Pop-Tarts?


In my rush to get here this morning, I forgot my wallet at home. I could see my favorite flavor in the vending machine, and they were dangling a little bit. It was almost as if they were taunting me.


Why didn’t you just shake the thing then?


It was bolted to the ground. Plus I didn’t have the energy to try. How were your classes?


I was watching a squirrel run up and down a tree.


As opposed to paying attention to the instructor.


It was such a boring lecture. Why should we even bother to study history anyway? It’s all in the past, over and done with.


That would make it history, alright.


Dude; shut up.


(Laughing) So did the squirrel do anything else?


Yeah, it ran over to this guy on a bench. He had a bag of peanuts and when he wasn’t looking, the squirrel took the whole thing! I was so into watching it that when the instructor called my name I blurted out that I was watching some guy’s nuts being stolen.

(They all laugh a bit at this, even JANE who normally does not like that sort of humor.)


How bout you, Kyle?


Nothing that entertaining happened to me but I enjoyed the lecture. We were going over cells so I was really into it.


How in the world can you sit through all that?


It’s interesting. The fact that everything we see is made up of billions of tiny organisms just amazes me. The fact that there can be a whole universe within a universe is worth my time and attention.


Thanks for the info, Mr. Wizard.


Science is my thing, what can I say?


Alright, brainiac, you can quit rubbing it in. We can’t all be here on scholarships.


He isn’t rubbing it in, guys. He just worked hard to get here, unlike some people I know. Chris, you haven’t even picked a major yet.


Why bother to pick a major when they make you take a ton of classes that won’t have anything to do with it? I may as well get all those out of the way and chose after.


That bothers me too. What’s the point in having to take two math or two science classes when you are majoring in art?


They do that so you have a more rounded education. They don’t want stupid people everywhere.


Seems like a big waste of time and money to me.


It’s the government’s fault.


Here we go again.


(Angrily) It’s true; they make up these impossible rules and regulations in order for them to get more of our money.


Oh please, you blame the government for everything. Next thing you’ll tell me is how they hide aliens from us.

(MATT sways a little bit and tilts his head back.)


You read that article too?


Kyle, back me up here. The government isn’t as bad as Chris is always trying to make it out.




Dude, don’t take her side on this; think of the scandals we’ve seen.


The thing is…


(Annoyed) Its no good arguing politics with you Chris, you’re far too hard headed.


(Annoyed) Conservative scum!


Liberal scum!






Communist pig!

(JANE and CHRIS stop and look at KYLE who shrugs and grins. JANE and CHRIS cool down and laugh a little.)


Maybe you should consider going into politics if you want change so bad.


Maybe, but then wouldn’t I be a sellout?


We are all sellouts at heart. We just all have different price tags.


(Laughing) I think Matt is sleeping.

(They all look and sure enough MATT is out on his feet, snoring a little. JANE shakes her head.)


I just hope he learns a lesson from all this.


Let’s poke him and see what he does.


I’ve never seen anyone asleep on their feet before. I always thought it was just a figure of speech or a myth or something.

(KYLE goes around MATT to inspect him while CHRIS lightly pokes MATT’S arm.)


Don’t poke him too hard or he’ll topple over.


I’m not. Try it, this is really fun.

(KYLE starts poking MATT’S other arm. JANE walks up behind them both.)


Gonna join the fun Jane?



(All three boys jump and yell in surprise. MATT more so and falls backwards. KYLE and CHRIS nearly collide as well.)


(Angry) What the hell was that for?


Now that was funny.


Nearly gave me a heart attack. You ok, Matt?

(KYLE helps the still shaken MATT to his feet.)


I’m good, and as soon as my pulse returns I’ll be even better.


Like I said before; serves you right for slacking off.


You could have at least warned Kyle and me.


Where would the fun in that be?


It was kinda funny.


Stop taking her side! What are you, in love with her or something?


Don’t be ridiculous. Jane and Kyle would never go behind my back like that.

(Both JANE and KYLE look at each other then to the floor. They shuffle their feet and look uncomfortable.)


(Worried)Right, Jane? Jane? No. You didn’t?






(Enraged) I knew it! It’s always a conspiracy, there’s always something going on.


It’s complicated Matt, but Kyle is a better investment than you are.


Jane, how could you! Kyle, what the hell man?!


I’m sorry Matt, really, but Jane and I have been together for a long time. We just couldn’t come up with a good way to break it to you.

(The light starts to get red and the sound of the storm faintly begins.)


Why, Jane? What did I do to make this happen?


(Angry) Why? Why!? You wouldn’t change! You were you!


(Angry) I’m tired of being your crutch when it comes to reason and your studies.


(Ranting) Traitors! That’s all they really are, no truth…

(CHRIS begins to pace in a circle flailing his arms and yelling angrily. A few of the dancing deer come onstage and dance in the background. Only MATT looks their way. The light has gone redder and the sound louder.)


This… is nuts!


You never studied; you never worked hard to get here. Just partied and had a good time while I…


You wouldn’t become the better man I thought you could be! You never followed…

(“Windup” MR. PARKER comes back onstage. He repeats the line “follow the leader” as he walks along the stage. The light is now at its reddest and the sound the loudest. MATT holds his hands over his ears, but everyone else is unaffected.)


(Shouting) Become the man!


(Shouting) Embrace knowledge!


(Shouting) Trust no one!

(Everyone onstage turns towards MATT and walks towards him while pointing. MATT backs away.)


No; stay back. I’m happy with what and who I turned out to be. Leave me alone!

(MATT falls down near the back of the stage. The stage goes pitch black but the sound stays for a minute before turning into the sound of the alarm. The face of the clock reads 7:00. The stage lights back up and everyone except MATT is gone. He looks around.)


(Panting) Whew; Just a dream. Chris and Kyle will get a kick out of it for sure. Jane will be ticked if I forget about our plans tonight. I’d better hurry up or I’ll be late.

(MATT gets up and gathers his things. He heads for the exit but stops short.)


Wait a minute. Who the hell are they?

Curtain close.

Andrew Felson


I.W.F. Memories pt. 2

April 8, 2015



Here are the bios that I wrote. I’m not going to fix any of the spelling mistakes as that would ruin this little walk down memory lane.



Titles Held–I.W.F, Commercial and Tag Team(current) Championships

The booker of the I.W.F, and one of the biggest, strongest compeditor the I.W.F has to offer. Once he has his mind set on your destruction, you may never be the same. He is currently teamed up with Maveric, and together, they are doing what they please. he is never afraid to show off his numerous titles, and will always find time to beat up on the weaker wrestlers. His hatred and rage seem to fuel him while taking out his opponents.

Titles Held–Hardcore, Hardcore Tag Team(current) Champinonships

The essence of insanity, Blade seemes to enjoy taking pain. He is one of the toughest wrestlers in the I.W.F. Unfortunatly he has the intelegence of a tree stump, and will believe almost anything you tell him. He is currently taging with Skoomyster, and they both seem to be enjoying themselves here in the I.W.F. With a new “friend”, a Tyco Teddy Bear named Fester Blatz, and a new phrase, Fear Me!!!! He has become more dangerous and uncontrolable than ever.

Titles Held- Tag Team (current) championships

A submissions expert, he is one of the most technical wrestlers in the I.W.F. He has done well in singles, but has found recent sucess in the tag team division. He has allied himself with War, and is currently at the top of his division. He cares a lot for his win/loss record, and goes to extreme lenghts to keep his record with as little losses as possible.

Titles Held-Intercontinental, Hardcore Tag Team(current), I.W.F (current) Championships

The master of skooyness he is the ladies man of the I.W.F. He is a great compeditor, and is one of the top wrestlers in the industry. His mixture of martial arts, and high flying stunts makes him a force to be reconed with. His antics with Blade has invloved him in Hardcore matches, but he dose’nt seem to mind.

Titles Held-Lightweight Championship

One half of the comic relief team for the I.W.F he has have had more losses than wins. It was a maricle that he got the lightweight title, but now that he has it, he seemes to forget all the losses he had. His first win, for the title has made him think he can win, but hasen’t yet.

Titles Held-

The other comic person in the I.W.F. He seemes to enjoy being with Super Crazy, and has made us laugh more than he has won a match. He has the potential to be great, but just can’t stop dancing long enough to do it.

Titles Held-Commercial Championship

The gentleman of the I.W.F. He seemes to be an upperclass snob, but has proven to be an extremly tough person to deal with. He hates to lose, and trys almost any “proper” way of getting his hands of the I.W.F. title. He is currently feuding with War, but has not been too succesful in this task. IFTHY SMELL WHAT THE GENTLEMEN ARE BAKING!!!

Titles Held-

The most evil person known in the I.W.F. He constantly preches of some sort of higher power, but no one knows who, or what that is. He has nothing but evil intenions for the other wrestlers, and can’t wait to cause misery on all who cross him.

Titles Held-Intercontenental(current) Championship

One of the strongest people in the I.W.F. He can nearly destroy the other wrestlers.He is a great athete, and will most likley have great sucess in the future. He has shown us time and time again, that you should never mess with him, or you face the wrath of the Pain Killer.

Titles Held-Commercial(current) Championship

Hailing from New Jersey, he will beat the hell out of anyone who insults his hometown. He has shown great tehcnical skills, and has done well so far. He is trying to get the IC title, but hasen’t been able to win it yet.

Titles Held-

A great wrestler, he has done well so far. He is currently taging with the Jersey Devel, and togther thay have won many matches. His skills as a high flyer have served him well, and can get great hight when performing his Elboe drop from Hell.

Titles Held- Lightweight Championship

One of the top lightweight wrestlers, he has dominated his division for a while. His loss to Nevets however has seemed to weaken his pride. He has had great success so far, and wants to move on to bigger, and better things

Titles Held-

The other gentlmen of the I.W.F. he and Rockford are a strong team and he has shown great skill in singles competition. He too is very proper and can be annoying at tines, but don’t be fooled by his weak tea drinking apperance, for he can easily put a hold that will make you submit with pain.

Titles Held-

A misfit from Pokemon, he has come to try to dominate in wrestling as well as video games. Unfortunally for him, all the other wrestlers hate Pokemon, and don’t find him cute in the very least. He has been beaten up so much, but he just keeps on going.

Titles Held-

Super Crazy has been every where, but has found his way home here in the I.W.F., and is having the time of his life dancing the nights away. He and will most likely make a huge impact here and will definatly give us hours of enjoyment.

Titles Held-

A strange person to say the least, he has black and white hair, and just does the dumest things you could think of. With a combination of high flying stunts and the art of FooDoo he has has lost more times than he has danced, making that a lot.

Titles Held-Hardcore(current) Championship

Not much is known abouth this strange person but we can plainly see his is someone you don’t want to mess with. He has a love of the Hardcore Match and would be a ferse compeditor to the Hardcore Championship. His mentality is as short as his temper, and can become violent at the snap of a finger.

Titles Held-Lightweight (current) Championship

The pimp of the I.W.F, he is make’in easy money winning matches. His victories over the top lightweights have made him a strong contender in that division. His daredevil like actions make him unpredictable at times, and he is always willing to sacrafice his body to win.

Titles Held-

A man on a mission, FU is out to prove himself to everone who doubts his ability. No one is sure where he is from, since his accent changes more than his mood. He has shown great high flying stunts when trying to beat an oppenent, and has never cared about the other wrestlers. A dangerous combination. We’ll have to keep an eye on FU.
Titles Held-

As quick as lightning, Thunder is easily one of te fastest wrestlers here. He is able to launch a quick offence and back off before his opponent knows what hit him. A great ground wrestler, Thunder can grapple like it was second nature, a skill that is needed here in the I.W.F.

Titles Held-

A wrestler who is not sure of what he should be doing with his matches. He can’t seem to decide which is more important, winning, or beating the hell out of people. A very resilient wrestler, he has lasted in matches that seemed impossible for him. He is sure to go far with his wrestling career.

Titles Held-

Hey hey hey! Fat Albert has come here to the I.W.F! He is now making the other wrestlers worried, since Fat Albert will eat anything. He is an extremely tough person to deal with, and even harder to keep fed. Many of the wrestler fear him, and a good thing too, because if you got on the wrong side of him, he would flaten you with his massive weight.

I.W.F. Memories pt. 1

April 8, 2015



Ah, The I.W.F. The “I” stood for Independent which we though was super clever when we were twelve.  In the late 90’s up until the early 2000’s my friends and I were obsessed with pro wrestling. The Attitude Era with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Mankind, and The Rock was a pivotal part of our young lives and lead to some fun and crazy moments.

My friends and I made a backyard wrestling federation. It started out with just three of us messing around in the safety of our living rooms until we were kicked outside. Then we tried to wrestle on the grass in the front yard, but this proved to be a bit too tough as the ground was hard and we were wimps that really and truly didn’t want to hurt the other guy. So we were limited to weak punches and clotheslines and slow fake falls.

We then got the bright idea to use inflatable mattresses to cushion the falls which greatly added to the amount of “slams” and jumps we could do. That is until we popped one. At least we were finally in the backyard away from the normal public so we could work on our silly characters and play out theme music as loudly as we wanted.

Then the turning point happened. My parents got me a big trampoline for my birthday with the knowledge that I was going to ignore all of the WWF’s (now the WWE) plea to not try it at home. Now we could do things like dropkicks and choke slams without the worry of the hard ground and its ability to keep reality in check. We still were wimps when it came to things like weapons and actually hurting the other guy, so before you get worried I can honestly say the worst injury that occurred was a sprained hand, which incidentally was my own.  We were never the ones you saw on the news where they were using cheese graters and broken glass.

We did film a lot of it though. This was a time long before we had cell phones so the videos are on actual tape and are sitting in a box somewhere. Maybe one day I’ll try and retrieve the footage to see my teenage self do some very stupid things. One aspect that I have rediscovered though is that I had made a Geocities site for it. I listed all of the wrestlers, put up bios and really showed the world what a terrible speller I was.  I though the site was long gone, but to my surprise it has been revived.

For your enjoyment here is the front page of the “Official” I.W.F. site. I’ll link it here just in case the copy/paste doesn’t do it justice and I will be putting up the bios in a separate post.

Hello, and welcome to the I.W.F!!!!!!  We are a group that hate rulez, and just want to enjoy life as we see fit. We do what we want, and have a blast doing it!!!!! This part of this fine site will tell of the wrestlers, matches, and current champs. please enjoy yourself, and don’t try this at home!!!
Jersey Devil
Sir Lansworth
Super Crazy
Mr. Sunday Delight
Fat AlbertBIOS

Current champs

I.W.F Title—-Skoomyster
Commercial——Jersey Devil
Tag–War, Maverick
Hardcore Tag–Blade, Skoomyster

Type of Matches

Normal–Pinfall, Submission, Countouts, or Disqualification to win. Weapons, low blows, or beating up the ref will get you DQ.

No DQ–pinfall, submission,or countout. Can’t be DQ. Weapons are allowed

Tag–A team match, two wrestlers in at a time, and each can tag in a partner.

Hardcore–pinfall or submission. No rules. Weapons, lowblows, and anything you want to do you can to win.

Handicapped matches–can be three, two, or uhfair match. Usually its a two on one beating, or with special rules.

Tecnical match–Can use submissions, and holds only. The opponent must submit in order to win.

I Quit Match–Beat the hell out of your opponent until they say “I Quit”.

Last Man Standing–Keep wrestling until you, or your opponent can’t get up by the time the Ref counts to ten.

Chokeslam match–Who ever chokesllams the opponant first wins.

Garage Match–Match takes place in a garage. Anything goes, and must pin to win.

**If both wrestlers can’t get up by the time the ref counts to ten, it’s a double count out.

Bucking Bronco Match–
Who ever Bucking Bronco’s their opponant first wins. A Bucking Bronco must consist of 3 “ups” and 3 “downs”. Most Bucking Bronco matches are hardcore.

Wrestlers Finishers/Trademark movesWar
Special–The End
Trademark–Double Powerbomb

Special–Blade Dropkick/Pearl-Dive

Special–Jim Magarnigal
Trademark–Clothesline From Hell

Special-Skoowy-Kick/Sweet ‘n’ Low
Trademark–THE LEG!!!!!!

Special–The Nevets Hold

Special–Fallen Angel

Special–Gentlemans Drop
Trademark–Genltemans Elbow

Trademark–Soul Snatcher

Special–Pain Killer
Trademark–Jack Hammer

Jersey Devil
Special–Sin Hold
Trademark–Ball N Chain

Special–Flying Elbow from Hell
Trademark–The Drop

Special–Tornado DDT/Senton Bomb
Trademark-Bucking Bronco

Sir Landsworth
Special–Gentlemens Drop
Trademark–Arm-Bar Submission

Super Crazy
Special–The Crazanator
Trademark–The Garlic Roll

Special–Pika Bronco

Mr. Sunday Delight
Special–The Delightening
Trademark–The FROG

Special–No 1 Knows

Special–Money Shot
trademark–The Giant Leap

Special–Frog Splash
Trademark–Fishermans Suplex

Special–Giant Sidewalk Slam
Trademark–The Low Blow

Special–Scorpion Death Drop

Fat Albert
Special-Elephant Drop
Trademark-Albert Splash of Doom


Gonna Rest My Bones

February 24, 2015

By Rebel40000

*It was a hot, sunny day at an old, dusty town known as Sangria. It was essentially a “living ghost town”, the remains of the old wild west, surrounded by the vast technology that the rest of the world had flourished in. As the few locals that still lived in the town continued with their overly simple lifestyles, a certain visitor had just arrived…*

Rebel: *wearing a tattered cloak for protection* Damn desert, blowing sand all over the place. I swear I keep thinking that Flannery chick’ll pop out at any moment screaming “SAND FOR EVERYONE” or something stupid… *sees a man* Hey, ‘scuse me!

Man: *looking down sweeping a porch* What’cha wantin’, youngster?

Rebel: I really need a damn drink. Can you tell me where to go?

Man: Ya mean the pub? Well, let me see… *looks up at Rebel* OH GOD, DON’T HURT ME!! *runs inside*

Rebel: …Right. Moving on, then. *sees a woman* Hey you, can ya help a guy out here?

Woman: EEK!! *flees*

Rebel: Man, what a buncha weirdos. I’LL JUST FIND IT MYSELF, THEN!! *storms off*

*Elsewhere, on a cliff overlooking the town… We see two figures standing, looking down at the place, watching intently. The one in the front was a large Reploid, donned in red armor. The way it was constructed gave him the appearance of a knight.*

???: So, this is location that thou mentioned?

Cyphos: *standing further back* Yes, that is indeed the place! A lovely town, is it not? It’s a shame they refuse to do business with my store!

???: This place is even older than myself.

Cyphos: Well, that shouldn’t be any surprise since you are a Reploid, after all! I doubt you were made back in the 19th century! *laughs*

???: *turns to face Cyphos* Listen well, creten, for I shall make verily aware that thou understandest my true strength!

Cyphos: *rubbing hands together* Hahah, yes, sorry about that, old bean. Anyway, should we not be getting onto business?

???: There is no business to discuss with thee.

Cyphos: Oh, come now! Don’t be that way! *serious* There’s plenty to talk about.

???: Such as… what?

Cyphos: Like your mission, of course!

???: Hmph. Receiving my mission from such a lowly individual… one who wastes time with monkeys!

Cyphos: Hey, let’s not get all apprehensive, now! Although it was a bit of a mess having to release all of those monkeys onto that ship, the end result of gaining their trust was well worth it. *serious* The information it provided was extremely valuable. *smiling* So with this, we can continue with the next part of the plan!

???: Which is thus the assignment that thou art giving?

Cyphos: *raises arms* Precisely! See, the CIA’s former leader, Mr. Rebel40000, is located in that town.

???: Rebel…?

Cyphos: Yes… you may recognize him more by the name of “Magna Centipede”, however!

???: …

Cyphos: Anyway, he isn’t who we are looking for, since we know through a simple process of elimination, that of all the people, the chances of both him and Outlaw being the one is… zilch. But! And this is a big but–there is a good chance he may know something, and if he doesn’t, who cares! Which is where you come in, good friend.

???: So, thou hast decided to use me… for such perposterious plans!

Cyphos: Say what you will, but isn’t this what you’ve been waiting for for all this time? I really doubt you are in any situation to be complaining!

???: True…

Cyphos: So…?

???: …Fine, it shalt be done. By the time I am finished, “Rebel” shalt learn to fear thy name of Charlemagne!

Cyphos: Glad to hear it! *serious* Just remember, don’t kill him… yet. *grows a silly grin* Capture him, and then let me do the talking! There’s a number of things I want to confirm with him. After that, you can do whaaaateeeeveerrr you want!

Charlemagne: *eyeing Cyphos warily* Thou art certainly a strange, little man. *turns away* Thou makest clear, I find thou art a thorn in thy side. The Cult of Mechalcanos ill needs a fledgling such as yourself, who does not yet know his place!

Cyphos: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, Mr. Charlemagne, but please… have some coupons! *hands out a book*

Charlemagne: *starts walking away* I do not go shopping.

Cyphos: *yelling* Well, be sure to always keep us in mind! And remember, no killing~!

Charlemagne: …

*Back in town, at the local bar…*

Rebel: *walks in tiredly*

Everyone: *stops what they are doing and stares*

Rebel: *ignores them and sits down at the counter*

Bartender: *cleaning a glass* What’ll it be, pal?

Rebel: Gimme a glass of Coke. On the rocks.

Bartender: A glass of… what?

Rebel: Coke. On the rocks.

Bartender: …Right away. *pulls out a random bottle from the shelf and begins to shake it*

Rebel: Say, is it just me, or is everyone around here acting really weird?

Bartender: Neeh, what makes ya say that? *drops some ice into a glass*

Rebel: Well, first asking around for directions was a pain in the ass, because everyone was acting all scared whenever I talked to them. And now I feel like I’m about to have a bunch of holes burned into the back of my head if they keep staring at me.

Bartender: Must be your imagination, pal. *pours the drink and serves it* There ya go, one cold glass of “Coke”, on the rocks.

Rebel: *grabs the glass* Thanks. *takes a swig* …Man, you guys sure do have funny tastin’ Coca-Cola. *shrugs and goes back to drinking*

Big Guy: *walks up next to Rebel* You a Reploid?

Rebel: *stops drinking* No, I’m just a guy who looks like a giant purple centipede with a tail. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE!?

Big Guy: We don’t very much LIKE Reploids, comin’ to our town, startin’ trouble.

Rebel: *goes back to drinking*

Big Guy: Reploids are a buncha no-good troublemakers, so why don’tcha do us all a favor n’ git?

Man #1: Yeah, you tell him!

Rebel: *still drinking*

Big Guy: Well? Are ya listenin’ to me!?

Rebel: *finishes his glass and slams it down* Hey barkeep! Hook me up with another.

Bartender: Of course. *starts to pour another drink*

Big Guy: All right, that’s it! *grabs Rebel by the throat and lifts him up* You think yer gonna just ignore me like that!? You got another thing comin’!

*The man pulls his free arm back, getting ready to pulverize Rebel! Before he manages to hit him, Rebel suddenly vanishes from his grasp, causing the man to lunge out too far. During this, Rebel appears behind him and kicks him in the back, causing him to go flying out of the bar!*

Rebel: Yeah, what now, huh!?

Man #2: GET HIM!!

Rebel: Wait, what–*gets hit upside the head with a chair*

*The rest of the people in the bar, minus the bartender, suddenly spring into action, pouncing on Rebel as he recovers from the blow to the head.*

Rebel: *dodging the attacks* Man, you guys don’t KNOW what you are dealing with! *leg sweeps two of them*

Man: You ain’t gettin’ away with this! *pulls out a gun*

Rebel: *pulls out a beam saber and slices the gun into pieces*

Everyone: *gasp*

Rebel: What? You guys have never seen one of these before or something?

Man #1: It’s the work of the devil!

Man #3: I always knew Reploids were the work of Satan!


*The group of people quickly run away, minus the unconscious ones, Rebel, and the bartender.*

Rebel: …Well, whatever. *puts away the beam saber*

Bartender: *hands Rebel another drink* Here pal, this one’s on the house.

Rebel: Gee, thanks. *drinks* So now do you have some sorta explanation for all that?

Bartender: Neeh, probably has something to do with the fact that this is an extremely old town that doesn’t rely on the advanced technology of the outside world, and since you ARE advanced technology from the outside world, the rest of the citizens immediately find you to be a threat and want you to either leave or be done away with.

Rebel: I… see…

Bartender: Or they just hate your guts.

Rebel: Piss off. *drinks some more* MAN, this stuff is crazy awesome. It’s almost… rawksome… in a Majin-ish sorta way. Can I have another?

Bartender: Sure thing, pal. *pours another drink*

Rebel: Rawksomely awesome rawksome! *chugs it down and slams it* Whoaaa… suddenly da sky iz broon an mah teckst b flipin lol yoooo *passes out*

Bartender: Yessir, that’s how it always happens. And now to do my good deed for the day…

*A few hours later…*

Rebel: *wakes up* Uggh… where the heck am I? Huh? *sees he’s in a cell* What’s going on here!?

Sheriff: Ah, so yer awake, are ya?

Rebel: Are you the sheriff or something? Why am I in here!?

Sheriff: Well, after yer li’l stunt with some of the locals, and then getting yerself wasted, the barkeep felt it’d be best to have ya spend some time in here. So here ya are.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: By the way, only four glasses? Lightweight.

Rebel: WHY YOU–*grabs the bars and pulls on them*

Sheriff: Looks like someone needs to calm down a bit more. I think I’ll leave ya here the rest of the day.

Rebel: WHAT!?

Sheriff: ‘Sides, it’s gettin’ late. Consider it courtesy of the town of Sangria n’ all that. Oh, and don’t think that yer little powers will work in there, too. Unlike the rest of the town, the insides of the cells are outfitted with the latest equipment… just in case. *leaves*

Rebel: Hey, get back here and let me out! You can’t do this to me! Damn it…

*Realizing his stay was going to be longer than he had hoped, Rebel quickly walks over to the cheap-looking bed in his cell and lays down, staring at the ceiling while contemplating.*

Rebel: *thinking*It’s been… how long now since the team broke up? It feels like it’s been forever. *closes eyes* Man, I really was an idiot… After being thrown out of the Whale King, with everyone just up and leaving like that… all I’ve been able to do is just wander around with no destination… The drifter life sure ain’t easy… I just wonder… what the others… are doing right now…

*It does not take too long for Rebel to quickly fall asleep. During this he begins to have a strange dream…*

Rebel: *looking around* Huh? Where am I? And what’s up with my appearance? It’s so… old. Wait… is this my team’s… old base?

*Indeed, Rebel was back in his old base, which was situated on the island near Megalopolis.*

Rebel: Man, I thought Anti destroyed this place with the rest of his cronies*! What’s it doing back?

*See Series 2, Epilogue #19 “Dark Time”*

???: Rebel…

Rebel: Huh!? Who’s there?

???: Rebel… come here…

*Rebel follows the source of the noise, taking him through the various levels of the base… until he reaches the very top.*

Rebel: *eyes wide* Y-you guys are….

Ghaleon: Hey there, Reb.

PBX: Long time no see!

Deathtuna: *yawn* Hey there and stuffs…

GDT: Hi.

Rebel: Ghaleon, PBX, Deathtuna, and GDT? What are you all doing here!?

Ghaleon: Well, we’re basically here in this dream world to help you cope with the death of Void a bit better.

Deathtuna: So no team break-ups’ll start… Zzzzz…

Rebel: …But that already happened.

Ghaleon: Well, fuck.

GDT: Who the Hell cares, you’re gonna get the talk anyway!

PBX: I like talks! Especially when they’re about talks. Talking about talks always talks a lot of talks out of me. Yay!

Rebel: And now my brain just exploded. Man, did that sheriff guy really say that four drinks made me a lightweight?

Ghaleon: Okay guys, enough of that. Let’s get down to business.

Rebel: Wait, question.

Ghaleon: Yes?

Rebel: Why isn’t Ti-An here?

PBX: This is for the guys who were killed-only!

Rebel: When the Hell was GDT killed?

GDT: You left me at Michael Jackson’s house*! That was far worse than death, asshole!

*See Series 2, Epilogue #13 “Trump’s Purchase”*

Rebel: Whatever. But if this is about dead people, then why isn’t Void here? Y’know, he’s kinda the reason why I’ve been having mental breakdowns.

Ghaleon: Well, you’d probably beat the daylights out of him the moment you saw him.

Rebel: True.

Deathtuna: Zzzz… he also thinks your… super gay…


GDT: So anyway, we hope this talk is helping you out.

Rebel: How is this helping!? I’m getting insulted in my own dreams, and now instead of missing Void and the rest of you guys, I just want to kill you all! But now I’m incredibly frustrated that I can’t because all of you ARE ALREADY DEAD!! Except for you, GDT. You’re just a prick.

GDT: *grumbles* Iron fist…

Rebel: What was that?

GDT: Yeah, hope the talk is helping.

Ghaleon: Anyway, Rebel, you have to learn to let the past go. It’s what lead the team to break apart.

PBX: Yeah, there’s nothing to say “yay” about that! Just a nay! Nay!

Rebel: So what do you suggest I do?

Ghaleon: Go find a replacement for Void. Just like how you replaced all of us by people who are far better and more memorable.

Deathtuna: I dunno… I always thought *yawn* that I was kinda cool…

PBX: And I’m a loveable huggable crab! Yay for crabs! Nay for the non-crabs!

GDT: My replacement’s nickname is “GDT MKII”.

Ghaleon: Okay, fine. Only my replacement is better and far more interesting than I could ever hope to be. Are you guys happy now?

Rebel, PBX, Deathtuna, GDT: No.

Ghaleon: Well, fuck again. Oh well. Just go find a replacement for Void already!

Rebel: But who the heck would seriously wanna be a moth?


Avi: *drawing on cop’s face* And now, you shall be known as “Mr. Freckles”! Witness as the diagonal lines creates the illusions of millions of freckles!

Majin: I’m not drunk for once… because I have a feeling that someone stole my originality somewhere in this epilogue.

Avi: *paints on Majin* Oh, be quiet sonny, and go drink your bah-bah while I turn your drab self into the wonderful “Radioactive Mushrooms”! It’ll be my magnum opus!

*Back to the dream…*

Rebel: *shakes head* Whoa… that sudden change in location was really weird. I don’t think I’ll ever drink another Coke again.

GDT: You know that wasn’t Coke, right?

Rebel: In that case I’ll keep drinking Coke ’till the day I die!

GDT: *facepalms* So to not make it feel like this entire sequence was a complete waste of time, can we just go already?

Ghaleon: *nods* Yeah.

Deathtuna: *salivating* It was fun… Reb… Zzz…

PBX: *jumps on Tuna’s back* Yeah, we should do this more often! Cameos for the win!

GDT: I just want to actually be the leader of something for once.

Rebel: You guys… I really don’t know what to say…

Ghaleon: Just say what comes from your heart.

Rebel: My heart? Well, all right… YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!

Ghaleon, PBX, Deathtuna, GDT: Huh?

Rebel: Did you guys not even pay attention to the dang prologue!? I didn’t want a new member because he would precisely be a replacement! And now you guys are telling me to go find another!?

Ghaleon: Oooh, yeah. We forgot about that.

Deathtuna: As usual…

GDT: I don’t get why this is suddenly a problem.

PBX: Yeah, me neither!

Rebel: ‘Cause… it feels wrong to just replace people like that. I didn’t have time to think about it much back then, since Ti-An and GDT never did die–

GDT: *dirty glare*

Rebel SHUT YOUR FACE!! Anyway, after that, when all that stuff with Anti took place, so much happened consecutively that it gave me zero time to think. This didn’t happen with Void, though. I’ve been given plenty of time to think about it.

Ghaleon: Well, crap, what can we say to that?

Deathtuna: *rubbing eye* I got one… how about uhhh…


Deathtuna: Yeah… that’s it… Zzz…

GDT: Look, Rebel, I know I was never your biggest fan, but let me try to give some “advice”. A team is a big responsibility. And it’s with that responsibility that you, as leader, need to always stand strong and do what is best for the team and how it contributes to the goal.

Rebel: …

GDT: You know what you gotta do, so just get out there and do it!

Rebel: …I’ll think about it.

Ghaleon: If that’s the case, then our work here is done. This dream will be ending soon…

Deathtuna: *yawns* The end of a dream always means more sleep for me… Yeah…

Rebel: Thanks for everything guys. I’ll always remember you all!

PBX: Yay for character development!

Rebel: …On second thought, no. I won’t remember any of you. *disappears*

PBX: …Yay!

GDT: Yep, complete waste of time.

Deathtuna: *snoring loudly*

Ghaleon: Sigh… the rest is up to you, Rebel…

*With a jolt, Rebel suddenly wakes up, lifting himself out the bed. Wide-eyed and alert, he quickly gets up and grabs the bars to his jail cell, his face close.*

Rebel: Sheriff? Sheriff! You there!?

Sheriff: *walks in* What’cha wantin’, boy? I’m ’bout ready to round everythin’ up ‘fore catchin’ some Z’s.

Rebel: Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Sheriff: *squints eyes* …’Scuse me?

Rebel: If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Sheriff: What?

Rebel: To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Sheriff: What’re you talkin’ ’bout!?

Rebel: Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Sheriff: …

Rebel: Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Sheriff: Now yer just talkin’ nonsense, son.

Rebel: Sorry. I was trying to sound “deep”.

Sheriff: Riiiiight. Well, I’m headin’ out now. It’s gettin’ pretty late. Have fun. *starts to walk away*

Rebel: Wait! Sheriff! Please let me out! I have to get out!

*Despite his cries, the sheriff still walks out, leaving Rebel all alone once and for all. The night already set, all he finds himself being able to do is just sit and contemplate. The next half hour has him sitting in silence.*

Rebel: …Man, already took a nap, so I’m wide awake… Damn it! Is there nothing I can do? And that dream I had… it’s fuzzy but… I feel like I need to make a decision, and fast…

*At that moment, without warning, the wall next to Rebel’s cell suddenly explodes into a flurry of debris, with a well-sized hole being made into it. Immediately Rebel moves out of the way as a large mace goes flying his way, crashing into the floor behind him.*

Rebel: *slowly getting back up* What… what the Hell!?

*The mace then slowly starts to retract, toward a Reploid donned in red armor.*

Charlemagne: *has shield lifted* Centipede! My name is Charlemagne, and I have come to do battle! Enguarde! *swings mace again*

Rebel: You’ve gotta be kidding me–*gets hit and goes flying through the wall*–Augh!!

Charlemagne: *retracts mace* Die!

Rebel: Don’t think so! *teleports behind a building*

Charlemagne: Hmm… thou thinkest he is clever… But I know where thee is! *swings mace*

Rebel: *mace flies over head, dropping pieces of rubble on him* CRAP!! *runs*

Charlemagne: Only a coward flees from battle! *chases*

*The chase is short-lived. Due to the sudden destruction of the town, the people were to quick to awaken and break into a panic, quickly spotting Rebel.*

Woman: That’s the monster that was thrown in jail!

Rebel: *stops* Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me…

Man: Get ‘im!

Rebel: *trying to pry them off* There’s no time for this! Some psycho is chasing after me and–

Charlemagne: CENTIPEEEEEDE!! *throws mace*

Rebel: –MOVE!! *shoves the people out of the way and gets hit*

People: AAAAHHH!! *flees*

Charlemagne: Protecting the innocent… quite the noble cause, for one such as thyself, Centipede.

Rebel: *on the ground* How… how do you know me?

Charlemagne: Thou dost not remember me?

Rebel: Not really…

Charlemagne: Hmph, ’tis a shame. I will suppose thou diest before realization, then! *swings mace again*

Rebel: …Now! *jumps over the mace and throws a couple Magnet Mines*

Charlemagne: *raises shield but gets hit by one* Urrgh… *flips mace up*

Rebel: *gets hit from behind* Gaah!! *falls down*

Charlemagne: *picks Rebel up by the throat* How long have I awaited this day…? The day to finally exact revenge! Thou dost remember yet, Centipede!?

Rebel: I’m telling you… I don’t… remember…!

Charlemagne: Then let me educate thee! *throws Rebel forward and belts him with mace*

Rebel: AAAGGGHHH!! *crashes into a building*

Charlemagne: Such a pitiful performance… I expected better, Centipede.

*Talking to himself, Charlemagne slowly walks toward the rubble where Rebel laid. Upon reaching his destination, however, he could find no trace of the elusive Reploid.*

Charlemagne: …? Where did he–

Rebel: Lookin’ for something!? *appears behind Charlemagne and stabs him with tail*

Charlemagne: !?

Rebel: I don’t usually use this technique, but I’m going to give you a nice little virus ’cause you’re pissing me off!

Charlemagne: NEVER!! *struggles and grabs Rebel’s tail, yanking it off*

Rebel: What the–

Charlemagne: And with this–*rips the tail off*


Charlemagne: *throws it on the ground* What else does thee intend to do?

Rebel: I… plan… to do THIS!!

Charlemagne: To do what–*gets clobbered upside the head*

Rebel: *tail segments reattach* And now for my cunning counter attack! *starts throwing Magnet Mines*

Charlemagne: CURSES!! *gets blown back*

Rebel: Yeah! Take that, Macbeth!

Charlemagne: *rises, covered in scratches* My name is… CHARLEMAGNE!! *swings mace*

Rebel: You’re still fighting!? *dodges behind a building*

Charlemagne: Remember Centipede… nowhere is safe! *attacks the building, bringing it down*

*Despite the destruction, Rebel conveniently managed to disappear again.*

Charlemagne: Drat, to believe he could become so slippery… Centipede! Thou cannot hide forever…


Rebel: *watching Charlemagne from a distance* Whew… Talk about close. That guy is way too strong. If only I had some help… bah! There’s no time for that kind of thinking. Got to come up with a way… and make it happen…

*Back with Charlemagne…*

Charlemagne: *bringing down another building* Pardon my methods dear citizens, but this is the consequence for the guilty whom runs!

*With another swing of his mace, Charlemagne tears through the next building, turning it into a pile of rubble. Bringing the mace back to his side, he scans the horizon, before eyeing a two-story building located near the edge of town.*

Charlemagne: *starts to slowly swing mace while walking forward* Thou shalt be my next target… *throws mace*

*The mace flies into the second floor, causing it to collapse, with the rest of the structure wobbling slightly.*

Charlemagne: Tch, I could have sworn that thou liest therein… *pulls mace back but fails* Hm? What is this treachery!? *pulls even harder* Is my mace caught!?

???: Now!

*There is a “woosh” sound as the chain finally gives, causing Charlemagne to go flying backward, with only the chain in hand.*

Charlemagne: *covered in dirt* Urgh… who dares defile the weapon of Charlemagne!? *gets slowly back up*

Rebel: *emerges from the building, swinging the mace* That would be me! *throws the mace*

Charlemagne: *catches the mace* Thou usest my weapon against me!? Thou shalt pay!

Rebel: Not this time, buddy!

*Landing on the ground on both feet, Rebel quickly draws his beam saber, charging toward Charlemagne who was still holding the mace ball in both hands. With one swift stroke, he attacked at the knight’s legs, causing circuits and wires to fly from his knees*

Charlemagne: AAGH!! *drops the mace and crashes to the ground*

Rebel: *points saber* Surrender now, or else!

Charlemagne: S-surrender? Thou art a fool… I shan’t ever surrender to thee! Not after what thou hast done!

Rebel: Okay, just shut up about this! Who are you, and what the Hell are you talking about!?

Charlemagne: …Thou dost not remember, truly? Thy terrible sins thou hast committed!? Then I shall make thee remember! Remember the betrayal, the pain, the DEATH!!

*Suddenly, despite his body having been badly wounded, Charlemagne forced himself to stand on his feet, sparks flying everywhere. Pulling out his shield, he drew a beam saber from his hilt, and charged at Rebel!*

Rebel: What the!? *dodges* How can you still move after all that!?

Charlemagne: I live for the battlefield! Thou shalt fall to the wake of my vengeance! Now come! Face me like a true warrior should! *charges once more*

Rebel: If “thou” insist… *gets in position* Then get ready for some of THIS!! *charges*

*The two fighters clash into each other, their beam sabers striking against one another, causing sparks to fly. The two were placed in a momentary stand still!*

Charlemagne: *not relinquishing* Centipede!

Rebel: *struggling to keep ground* What!?

Charlemagne: It was many years ago… Back during the early days of Sigma’s rebellion with the Maverick Hunters, and the people of this world!

Rebel: !?

Charlemagne: We were both soldiers; knights of the Maverick Hunters. Though part of two different units, thou belongest to the Special 0 Unit, and myself in the 8th Armored Division, thy commanders decreed we ally ourselves with one another at one point in time…

Rebel: Say… say what!?

Charlemagne: ‘Tis but the truth, Centipede! We, along with several others from different units, were sent to a small island shortly after Sigma’s first defeat to the noble X. Yet… Thou betrayest us! Thou slaughterest all, bathed in our own blood! Thou hadst gone Maverick, which is why I shan’t ever forgive thee!

Rebel: *starting to get pushed back* Ch-Charlemagne! That was a long time ago!

Charlemagne: *becoming enraged* Obviously, for thou hast forgotten! So tell me, Centipede: Thou dost remember now!?

Rebel: …No.

Charlemagne: What did thou speakest!?

Rebel: I don’t remember, nor do I care to! The past is dead, and there’s no going back to it! So why don’t you just go back to the grave from where you came from!?

Charlemagne: FOOL!!

*With a new explosion of strength, Charlemagne manages to completely overcome Rebel, knocking his beam saber out of his hands and ramming right into him. He then proceeds to grab Rebel and starts plowing him into various rubble, until they burst inside of a large, storage shed, filled with various supplies such as rope, building materials, and oil.*

Charlemagne: *lifting Rebel up by the throat* Thou knowest nothing! But I shall assist thee by more education.

Rebel: *getting shaken horribly* G-gaaah…

Charlemagne: *slams Rebel to the ground*

Rebel: GRAAHH!!

Charlemagne: *points beam saber* Time passes, ever so slowly… While thou hast forgotten thy terrible deeds, I have not. By fate, a new master appearest before me and breathed me new life. From that day, my allegiance is to only Mechalcanos.

Rebel: Wh-who…?

Charlemagne: Ah, yes, I have been reminded… Though it would bring great pleasure thou killest, I must preserve thee for… questions. Therefore, I suggest thou dost not move.

Rebel: You… bastard! *tries to get up*

Charlemagne: *grabs Rebel by the arm* Allow me to assist thee. *rips Rebel’s arm off*

Rebel: AAAAAAGGGHHH!! *falls back down, screaming*

Charlemagne: *clenching the arm in his hand* Now, mayhaps will thou learnest his place, finally…?

Rebel: *holding his wound* How about… you go back to Hell!?

Charlemagne: I beg thee pardon? *suddenly gets hit by a blast to the side* OUGH!!

Rebel: *rises back to his feet* Yeah… fell for that hook, line, and sinker!

Charlemagne: *also getting up* What… what has thou donest…?

Rebel: While you were busy ripping my arm off, you failed to notice the little surprise that was in its hand!

Charlemagne: A mine…? *looks down at his own arm, which is in shambles* Allowing one’s own limb as a sacrifice to defeat thy opponent… thou art truly something else, Centipede!

Rebel: Better be careful, it sounds like you are starting to like me.

Charlemagne: Hmph… this is far from over! Thou hast become fatigued, while I continue to thirst for battle! Enguarde!

*Beam saber in hand, Charlemagne begins his assault once more, striking at Rebel at every chance, now with the absolute intent to kill. Rebel on the other, plays defensively by dodging, but he still ends up taking small nicks as his energy is slowly wasted.*

Rebel: *feels the saber brush against him* (Grah, this isn’t good! He doesn’t seem to be slowing down… how can this be!?)

Charlemagne: *not letting up* What is wrong, Centipede!? Has thou comest to finally realize that this is a losing battle for thee!?

Rebel: (Gotta make a new move…!) *throws a couple of mines* Take that!

Charlemagne: *knocks the mines out of the way* Is that all!? *swings beam saber fiercely*

Rebel: *gets hit in the side* DAMN IT!! *hits the ground but manages to bounce back up*

Charlemagne: Resilient, aren’t thee!? Just like the insect thou art designed!

Rebel: *holding side* A-actually, to clear up this misonception, centipedes aren’t actual insects, although we are both a part of the arthro–*dodges another blow*–POOOODS!! *throws more mines*

Charlemagne: *deflects them as well* Enough of thy pitiful games! It is time to end this!

Rebel: N-no way, man! You’re crazy! *throws more mines*

Charlemagne: *watches as they fly by him* …

Rebel: Um, uhh…

Charlemagne: THOU AIMEST POORLY!! *raises boot and hits Rebel with it*

Rebel: UGH!! *flies through the wall, landing outside*

Charlemagne: *looking through the hole that was made* Thy time is up, Centipede. Not even God can save thee in thy time of need!

Rebel: Gah…

Charlemagne: My duty was to save thee for questioning… but given what happened, I suppose I can brush this off as a trifling “accident”. But I am an honorable sort, Centipede, so I will give thee a last word before thy demise. Well?

Rebel: Y-yeah… I… got one…

Charlemagne: Oh? Let me here it, then.

Rebel: I just wanted to say… that… your accent really sucks…

Charlemagne: …Yes, I do believe it is time to die. *draws saber*

Rebel: Also… *lifts self up to look at Charlemagne*

Charlemagne: …?

Rebel: *reveals a switch in hand* …Did you think I was aiming for you!?

Charlemagne: …Thou speakest what!?

*Rebel suddenly pushes the switch, causing all of the mines that had been scattered throughout the building to go off, causing the entire building to explode!*

Charlemagne: *consumed by the blast* CENTIPEEEEEeede…

Rebel: *gets blown back from the explosion* AAAHHHHHH!!

*The explosion in turn, caused the oil located within to go off, creating a chain reaction, as a good portion of the town suddenly went up in smoke. Thankfully, due to the battle that was just taking place, the residents had all fled the town. During this chaotic moment, multiple sirens could be heard, as none other than the Maverick Hunters make an appearance, there to handle the sudden “Maverick outbreak”… It was during this time that the sun had finally arose…*

Sheriff: *watching the Hunters go by, ignoring him* No good Reploids… always bringin’ trouble to our town…

Rebel: *in the shadows* …

Sheriff: …I know yer there, ya know.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: I don’t know who ya are or why ya came to this ol’ dusty town in the first place… n’ I don’t really care. But if yer spotted by them Hunters, they’ll lock ya away fer a longer time than I was plannin’ on doin’.

Rebel: …

Sheriff: So git. I won’t say nuthin’.

Rebel: …Thanks.

Sheriff: Don’t be thankin’ me, son. *pulls hat down* I ain’t doin’ this outta no respect, I just don’t like those Hunters.

Rebel: Well… thanks regardless. *disappears*

Sheriff: Tch… I get the feelin’ that sumthin’ went down last night, sumthin’ that I ain’t ever gonna comprehend. So I won’t bother. I just hope the poor boy will stop talkin’ in them confounded riddles. “Push the elevator button”… pah! I dunno what an elevator even is.

*As the Sheriff continues to mull over these strange questions and Rebel leaves the town, still suffering from the wounds that were inflicted upon him, the Maverick Hunters still continued their investigation, finding leads and clues, as the townspeople began to devise strategies to rebuild Sangria. It was during this time…*

Charlemagne: *explodes from the rubble, severely wounded* Cent… ipede… Thou hast done well… Do not think… however… that just because thee… emerged victorious… from this batle… that the war… is now over… My revenge… shalt come…! *slowly rises*

???: *appluading from behind* Very well said, Mr. Charlemagne! Spoken like a true connoisseur!

Charlemagne: Th-that voice… Cyphos…?

Cyphos: *walks around to face him* The-one-and-only! So tell me, how did your battle go with Mr. 40000? Well, I take it?

Charlemagne: I… have no time for thy games, Cyphos…

Cyphos: Ahhh, I see, I see. *serious* Well, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so rough, now would it? *laughing* All I wanted to do was ask Mr. 40000 some simple questions! I even specifically stated, “no killing”! Or don’t you remember?

Charlemagne: I remember… The obnoxious insect–pardon, centipede… was far stronger than anticipated… But it matters not… for next time, I will… emerge victorious…!

Cyphos: *dropping his smile* Yeah, about that… There’s one teensy-weensy problem…

Charlemagne: *annoyed* And that being…?

Cyphos: *places a hand on Charlemagne’s shoulder* You’re tired, aren’t you? Why don’t you rest, Charlemagne?

Charlemagne: What are you talking about–GAAAAAH!!

*Without any sign, Cyphos had suddenly plunged a beam saber into Charlemagne’s midsection, causing the large Reploid to keel over, with only Cyphos helping him to support his weight.*

Charlemagne: *wide-eyed* C-Cyphos… but… why…?

Cyphos: *grinning evilly* I’ll be frank. I’ve never liked you, Charlemagne. Always acting like you were so damn superior! So, I decided to play a little game with you.

Charlemagne: A… a game…?!

Cyphos: Didn’t you think this whole thing was just a little too suspicious? I already said from before that I knew Rebel wasn’t the one we wanted; I just wanted to ask some “questions”. But poor you, you never bothered to even figure out what those questions were!

Charlemagne: There… there were no questions… were there…?

Cyphos: *venomously* That’s right, “old friend”. I decided to see how things would go by pitting you and Rebel against one another–I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist trying to beat him to a pulp! And I’ve been keeping tabs on Rebel, see, so I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay down, either!

Charlemagne: Then… thou schemest to eliminate us both…

Cyphos: Heh… hahahahah! Yeah, but it seems you two both survived… well, at least, both of you did survive!

Charlemagne: Cy… phos… I shan’t… forget this… deed… for the sake of Mechalcanos–

Cyphos: Yeah, yeah, “all for Mechalcanos”. Whatever. Just die already!

*Cyphos then proceeds to yank the saber out of Charlemagne, causing the Reploid knight to stumble backward. Cyphos then decides to take the opportunity to deliver several blows to him, causing him to fall into a heap of pieces. Afterward, Cyphos proceeds to drop a small device next to Charlemagne’s remains, before walking away, smiling wickedly.*

Novice Hunter: *walking onto the scene* Man, this is such a boring job, and this town is a mess! I just wanna go home already. Never should’ve become a Hunter… Wait, what’s that? *sees the slaughter before him* My God, this is horrible… I need to call someone over here, stat!

*As the Hunter turns to leave, the small device Cyphos left catches his eye.*

Novice Hunter: What the heck is this? *picks it up and eyes widen* Oh my God, IT’S A–

*A massive explosion suddenly engulfs the entire town, wiping out all of it’s inhabitants and effectively removing any trace of existance from Sangria. In the distance, we see Cyphos standing, watching the event bouncing off of his shades.*

Cyphos: Knew those things in the store would always come in handy! Have fun rotting with the rest of those poor souls, Charlemagne! I know it’s just what you’ve always wanted! Hehahahah… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!

The End

Bermuda Shorts # 5

February 21, 2015

Before we get to the last bit of short stories I need to let you in on a little secret. I actually thought the last post was all that was left of the Code: Island Attacker archive. But with a bit of digging I was able to find two things that have never been shared with the public.

The way we wrote the Bermuda Shorts was usually done just on the forum. When we reached a certain number of entry’s they were then posted on the main site. These shorts that you are about to read were all written by myself.

The next post will feature the last epilogue that was written which was done by Rebel4000. The site closed down before he was able to post it.

*All written by Outlaw88*

Insightful Thought # 5

Narrator: And now, an Insightful Thought.

Dramatic music

Narrator: This week’s guest: R.O.B.

R.O.B.: Beep.

Narrator: And to help us out, please welcome special guest C-3PO. Are you sure you can understand him?

C-3PO: Sir, I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. I can understand and translate just fine.

Narrator: Ok then.

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: He says “Hello. I’m R.O.B. and I work with The Rat by being his assistant.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: “It’s not as bad as you might think. It’s really mutually benificial. I fix him if he gets hurt and I get information for him, and in return he protects me.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: “Dragging Dead Man along can be a chore but overall I can’t complain.”

R.O.B.: Beep.

Narrator: Interesting. So what did he say that time?

C-3PO: That one was just a beep.

Narrator: Anything else?

R.O.B.: Beep.

C-3PO: He says “For fun I like to access the internet and look at funny cat pictures. Sometimes I like to go on forums and make others look like complete idiots. But my favorite thing is to watch videos of people getting hurt.”

Narrator: So you’re an internet troll.

*Before R.O.B. can answer an angry mob shows up. They chase R.O.B.*

C-3PO: Oh my.

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.
The Eating Contest

It’s the Megalopolis annual “Eat till you’re sick!” contest. Rebel and Outlaw are backstage.

Rebel: What are you worried about man? You’ve got this!

Outlaw: I don’t know… The competition looks intense.

Rebel: Just go out there and do what you do best, other than stink, and we can snag the grand prize.

Announcer: Let’s get the show going! Here are the contestants: The four eyed freak Belome!

Belome: Oh the hunger…

Announcer: That little pink guy Kirby!


Announcer: And Mr. Sewer Breath, Outlaw!

Outlaw: “Mr. Sewer Breath?”

Rebel: Well you are.

The three take the stage. Before anything can happen though…”

???: Wait!

*Takeru Kobayashi rushes the stage*

Takeru: I should be part of this! I’m a world record holder!

Announcer: We’ve been over this already. They wanted new people.

Takeru: I can out eat anyone! Just watch!

Announcer: Can someone get rid of this guy or something?

Belome: Stick for a body, head full of straw, give me a Scarecrow,
Rah, Rah RAH!

*Takeru Kobayashi is now a scarecrow*

Takeru: …

Announcer: That’s better. Now onto the event!

Kirby: Hi!

Outlaw: Hi to you too.

Kirby: HiIIIII!

Outlaw: Um… Hi.


Belome: Oh the Hunger.

Outlaw: Suddenly I miss Takeru.

The massive piles of food are brought out. They place giant amonts in front of each of them. A bell sounds and they go at it.

Outlaw: *Nom nom nom!*

Belome: *Lick*

Kirby: HIIIII!!!

*Kirby inhales. His plate of food, Outlaw’s plate of food and Belome’s plate of food alll get eaten in one big gulp.*

Outlaw: Holy crap!

Belome: My food! You took my food! Gimme it back!

Kirby: Hi!

Belome: HUNGER!

*Belome rushes Kirby*

Outlaw: This can’t end well.

Kirby inhales Belome. A monsterous six eyed, pink beast with a huge mouth and extra long tongue is formed. It rushes the backstage area and escapes the building, eating anything in it’s path.

Outlaw: What has been seen cannot be unseen.

The End
Bakery of Doom

Rebel: It’s just around this corner.

Shadow: Where are we going again?

Rebel: I’ve heard that this is the best bakery ever and I’m in the mood for some comfort food.

Shadow: Considering Avi decided to paint the Whale King today I can see why you’d need comforting.

Rebel: Here it is! Aperture Science Bakery!

Shadow: Odd name for a bakery.

*When they go inside they notice that there isn’t anyone there.*

Shadow: Hello?

*A computerized voice responds*

GLaDOS: Welcome to the Aperture Science Bakery. I am called GLaDOS. How may I help you?

Rebel: Awesome.

Shadow: Where is everybody?

GLaDOS: This bakery is fully automated. The staff has been eliminated.

Shadow: What?!

GLaDOS: I apologize. What I meant to say was the need for staff has been eliminated.

Rebel: Good. I hate dealing with idiots.

Shadow: Rebel, something’s wrong here.

Rebel: Yeah. Too much talk, not enough buying me a cookie.

GLaDOS: Here is the menu. Please make your selection. May I recommend the Mrs. Lovett brand meat pie?

Rebel: Well with a name like Lovett it has to be good! I’ll take…

Shadow: NONE!

GLaDOS: Pity.

Rebel: What the hell man? You complain to me that we don’t hang out like we used to so I take you with me to get some eats. The moment I try to get said eats you prevent me from doing so?

Shadow: Trust me on this one. You wouldn’t like those pies.

Rebel: Whatever. *Looks at menu* How good are the sprinkle cookies?

GLaDOS: They are one of our killer sale items. Please note that the green particles are sprinkles. Clearly not rat poison.

Shadow: I don’t like this.

Rabel: Yeah, I’m not feeling sprinkles. Maybe they have some cake.

GLaDOS: We stay open until we run out of cake.

*There is a faint scream from deep within the building.*

Shadow: What was that?

GLaDOS: That was one of our test subjects. I mean Taste Testers. Those are screams of delight. Everything is normal.

Shadow: Rebel, we should get out of here. I think GLaDOS is up to something.

Rebel: Don’t be stupid. She’s being so nice and helpful. The word “Glad” is in her name so there’s no way she can be bad.

Shadow: Hurry up and pick something then.

Rebel: I’m still looking. Everything sounds so good.

*While Rebel looks at the menus, Shadow notices a strange blue glowing doorway. He walks over to it.*

Shadow: It’s like a swirly round thing.

Rebel: Round thing.

Shadow: I can see the top of my head.

*Glances up and see’s a similar doorway glowing orange.*

GLaDOS: The Aperture Science Bakery is not responsible for any harm done to and by stupid people.

Shadow: Huh?

*Shadow slips and tumbles into the Portal. He slams into the ground.*

Shadow: D’oh!

Rebel: I got it! Three donuts please.

GLaDOS: Excellent. Whice types would you like?

Shadow: I’m going to go wait outside.

Rebel: Fine. Be that way.

*Shadow exits the building. A few moments later Rebel joins him. They start walking for home.*

Shadow: Well?

Rebel: I got a soylent glazed one and a one that has creme filling. She said it was so good that my guts don’t know what’s coming.

Shadow: Sounds… Great….

Rebel: Yeah. I can’t wait. Oh and I got you a bear claw.

Shadow *Gulp*


Beyond Classification

*In the Whale King*

Rebel: Meeting Time!

Metabad: Meeting Time?!

Dark Knight: Meeting Time!

*DK and Metabad do a little jig*

Rebel: Sit down and shut up!

Shadow: So what’s up Rebel?

Avi: This isn’t about the rug is it? It looks so much better now.

Sean: What happened to the rug?

Avi: I don’t know Sean, what?

Rebel: Today we’re going to talk about Majin.

Majin: I like ponies.

Outlaw: Me too. They taste good with a little soy sause and steamed rice.

Sean: You didn’t…..

Outlaw: Isn’t that what was in food we ordered last night?

Sean: Let’s never go there again.

Rebel: AHEM! Back to the subject at hand.

Shadow: Are we going to finally talk about his out of control drinking problem?

DK: Or the fact that he keeps throwing up on everything electronic?

Majin: Or if lice really do see the rainbow of my tuna salad pants?

Rebel: No.

Avi: Then what?

Rebel: That’s the real question. What. As in what the hell is he anyway?

Outlaw: You mean the fact that he’s from Majin World?

Rebel: No, no I get that. I’m talking about what he looks like right now. What the hell is he? He’s also called Wire Sponge but…

Shadow: Now that you mention it.. Yeah he doesn’t really look like a sponge to me.

Avi: I thought he was a plant.

Metabad: Are sponges plants?

Outlaw: I thought they were some kind of sea life.

DK: Majin kinda looks like a really messed up cucumber to me.

Majin: How many licks does it take to get to the moon?

Sean: The leaves on his head, the green color, and vines make me think he is a plant too. But he does seem to be able to absorb liquids like a sponge.

Shadow: I’m confused.

Outlaw: Maybe he’s some kind of hybrid?

Avi: Those get good gas mileage.

Rebel: Forget it. This is getting us nowhere fast. I guess we’ll never know what he is.

Majin: Luffa.
*Based on real life confusion and….discovery!* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luffa

Bermuda Shorts # 4

February 17, 2015

Insightful Thought #4
By Outlaw88

Narrator: And now, an Insightful Thought.

*Dramatic music*

Narrator: This week’s guest: Oreo Oreo.

Oreo: Life is a funny thing ya know? I mean why did Trump pick Oreo’s to make us out of? Sure we can easily be remade after we get beat up or something but still. Why not rock? Or steel? I like being alive, don’t get me wrong but… My boss is weird.

Narrator: This has been an…


Narrator: Oh… Continue then.

Oreo: Being made of cookies is tough. I could go stale or parts of me could fall off or melt. But the worst thing is the ants. THE ANTS! They never leave us alone! Always trying to eat us or drag us to their mound. I HATE ANTS! I hate that I’m edible! I hate the C:IA for always beating us! WHY IS MY LIFE SO BAD?! AHHHHHH!!!

*Oreo starts crying, causing some of his face to melt.*

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.

The End

* * *

Book Report
By Outlaw88

*Shadow is in the living room area, quietly reading a book.*

Shadowstrike: Very interesting.

*Majin staggers in*

Majin: What yoooou do?

Shadowstrike: I’m reading. Go away.

Majin: Reading what?

Shadowstrike: A book.

Majin: Book?

Shadowstrike: Yes, Majin. Book. Thing with words.

Majin: Reading… Rainbow.

Shadowstrike: Sure. Whatever. Just leave me alone ok?

Majin: Ya.

*There is a brief moment of silence.*

Majin: *in Shadow’s ear* I CAN DO ANYTHING! TAKE A LOOK! IT’S IN A BOOK!!!!!!!

*This sudden outburst made Shadow jump.*

Shadowstrike: Forget this.

*He goes to a different part of the ship. He looks around and all is quiet. He is in a hallway where a few of the rooms are located.*

Shadowstrike: Ahhhh…

*Suddenly the whole hall shakes as insanely loud music is being played. He goes to Outlaw’s room and as soon as he opens the door the music gets even louder! Outlaw and Metabad are moshing to the music.*

Shadowstrike: TURN IT OFF!

*They don’t notice him. Shadow goes over to the stereo and turns it off.*

Metabad: Hey!

Shadowstrike: You guys are going to go deaf if you keep playing it that loud! Don’t you have any consideration for people who want quiet?!

Outlaw: What?

Metabad: Huh?

Shadowstrike: Nevermind.

*He storms out.*

Metabad: What did he say?

Outlaw: I dunno. Something about hamsters, hoola hoops and precipitation.

*Back in the hall, Shadow tries to find his place in the book, but the music gets turned back on. He lets out a frustrated groan and moves on.*

Shadowstrike: I’ll try the next hall over.

*He enters the next section of the ship. There is a lot of smoke in the air. Sean is sitting by the door.*

Shadowstrike: Sean?

Sean: Yeah?

Shadowstrike: What did you do?

Sean: You don’t want to know. I’d try not to breath too much if I were you.

Shadowstrike: Moving on.

*He goes to yet another section of the ship. He doesn’t see anyone around. He breathes a sign of relief and sits down on the couch. Avi rushes into the room.*

Avi: Noooo!

Shadowstrike: What?!

Avi: Can’t you read the sign?

Shadowstrike: Sign? What sign?

*Avi takes out a sheet of poster paper and writes on it.*

Avi: This one of course!

*The sign says “Wet Paint”*

Shadowstrike: What the hell?

*Shadow gets up. The couch is covered in paint, and now so is Shadow.*

Shadowstrike: Why did you dump paint on the couch?

Avi: It’s not a couch anymore! The world is my canvas and I felt my creative self call out and desire this masterpiece. I call it “Drippy Comfort.”

Shadowstrike: I call it “Ruined Furniture.”

*Shadow leaves. He passes DK.*

Dark Knight: Hey Shadow!

Shadowstrike: What…

Dark Knight: Why is your ass blue?

Shadowstrike: Why are you staring at my ass?

Dark Knight: …

Shadowstrike: …

Dark Knight: This conversation didn’t happen.

*Shadow goes into the kitchen. He has a brief moment alone but then Rebel comes in and heads for the fridge.*

Shadowstrike: Hey Reb.

Rebel: Why aren’t you piloting?! Are we going to crash again? I DON’T WANT TO DIE! THERE IS STILL SO MUCH SODA LEFT FOR ME TO DRINK!

Shadowstrike: We’re on the ground.

Rebel: Oh. So what are you doing then?

Shadowstrike: I’ve been trying to read.

Rebel: Oh yeah? What is it?

Shadowstrike: It’s a self-help book. “The joy of a normal life and how to get it.”

*Rebel laughs uncontrolably for a good ten minutes.*

Rebel: With this crew? Good luck.

*Rebel leaves. It is now quiet. He glances at the book.*

Shadowstrike: Hmmm…

*Total silence*

Shadowstrike: Screw this. I’m gonna go mosh with Outlaw and Metabad.

The End

* * *

by Avi

Voice: ARTISTS! Tired of your eraser making a mess all over your masterpieces?! Sick of trying to erase in those hard to reach places?!

Avi: Hi, Morph Moth here with the AVI-RASER!

Avi: It’s a COMPLETELY and TOTALLY original project manufactured only in Germany, and is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY not some ordinary kneaded eraser I picked up from the local Walmart to sell at jacked-up prices! Oh, no. My product was manufactured EXCLUSIVELY in Ireland!

Outlaw: Wow, so how does it work?

Avi: Just squish it into the shape you want, then rub away! The putty-like compound allows you to mold it, tear it, and smush it back together! It’s so easy, even I can do it! Watch as I erase this raw sewage from this alligator’s back side!

*Avi begins using the eraser to do so–one change of camera angle later…*

Outlaw: *sparkly clean* Um… did I really have to take that shower just for this?

Avi: Yes–I-I mean, there was no shower, child, it was just… THE PATENTED AVI TECHNOLOGY, found exclusively in Norway, cleans your canvas so thoroughly, you’d swear you’d have taken it through the shower! See what MILLIONS of customers are saying about the Avi-raser!

Metabad: It… rawks, I guess.

Shadowstrike: Meh.

Majin: dis bbl gum taests funy

Dark Knight: Well, I suppose it could be wor–

Sean: *begins rubbing DK with the eraser*

*One change of camera angle later, and DK is nowhere to be found*

Sean: The Avi-raser… CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

Avi: That’s right! The Avi-raser can rub out people as well! Thus making it PERFECT for the Mafia, and for surgeons conducting amputations as well! With ordinary erasers, it would take HOURS to separate a pair of Siamese twins at the joint, and with a nasty mess to boot! But with the Avi-raser, it’s done in mere minutes, and without any of the mess!

Rebel, Outlaw, Majin, Shadowstrike, Metabad, Sean: …

Avi: I know what you’re thinking. Products like this would normally sell for over 300 zenny! But through this exclusive epilogue offer, you can get the Avi-raser for a measly 19.95!! But wait, there’s more!! Call within the next 15 minutes, and you’ll also receive… um…

Rebel: Receive what?

Avi: Um… I… hold on one second… *picks up the eraser, and takes a small piece off of it* …um… YEAH! Call within the next 15 minutes, and you’ll also receive the Avi-raser Jr.! It allows you to erase those tight spaces, and it’s great for the kids too! And that’s not all! You can combine it with the full-sized Avi-raser *molds the pieces back together* to form the GIANT Avi-raser! And all of this can be yours if you CALL NOW!

Rebel, Outlaw, Majin, Shadowstrike, Metabad, Sean: *collective groan*

Voice: To order, call 555-SCAM. The Avi-raser is manufactured EXCLUSIVELY in Portugal and is not available in stores. CALL NOW!

The End

(This short is dedicated to an artist’s most valuable tool–the kneaded eraser. Seriously, they’re awesome. -The Real Avi)

* * *

Unwilling Art
By Outlaw88

Rebel: I’ve told you twenty times already, I don’t want you drawing on me.

Avi: But why? I could do so much! The extra arms could symbolize how art can be an extra extension of the mind and body. The spikey tail is how art can be painful but rewarding!

Rebel: I think we need to get you some medication or something.

Avi: Come on, just a little doodle. How ’bout a happy face? It’ll be the the best happy face ever!

Rebel: Does it look like I need a happy face?

Avi: Yes, Mr. Grouchy, I think you do!

Rebel: Forget it.

Avi: It could be like a tatoo! I could make it a tough happy face! Tough guys get tattoos!

Rebel: What part of “No” didn’t you get?

Avi: He could have some barbed wire on him, and be wearing a side-ways hat. Ohhh it would be so tough and cute on you! Hold still.

Rebel: AHHHH!!!

*Rebel runs down the hall. Avi gives chase, still talking about the happy face.*

Rebel: I swear I’m going to throw away all her art supplies.

*Rebel can see that Outlaw is up ahead*

Rebel: Dude, you have to hide me. Avi has flipped out and is crazy intent on drawing on me and… What the hell happened to you?

*Outlaw is covered from head to toe in random drawings.*

Outlaw: What do you mean?

Rebel: She got to you already, I see.

Outlaw: Oh these. Neat huh?

Rebel: You’ve got to be kidding me. How could you just let her do that to you?

Outlaw: It’s not bad really. I like it.

Rebel: Just when I think I have you figured out, you go and do something weird.

Outlaw: Weird would be how that color is going to look when it dries. I have to say, neon orange is an interesting choice for your tail.

Rebel: What?!

*Avi is busy painting Rebel.*

Rebel: NOOOOOO!!!

*Rebel takes off. Avi once again follows*

Avi: Don’t go too fast or you’ll smear!

*Rebel hides behind a corner. He inspects his tail.*

Rebel: Ugh. This is going to take forever to come off.

Dark Knight: You got off light. At least she went with paint for you.

Rebel: Huh?

*DK is covered in plaster and is unable to move*

Dark Knight: She thought I’d look better as a statue. So instead of sculpting it from scratch she dumped me in this stuff.

Avi: And what a lovely piece of modern art you are! By the way, polka dots look good on you Rebel.

*Rebel looks down. He’s covered in spots.*

Rebel: Polka dots are not manly or tough.

Avi: Who said anything about that?

Rebel: You did.

Avi: I think I’d remember saying something about that.

Rebel: What about the happy face then?

Avi: What a great idea! That would go great as a face painting!

Rebel: Me and my big mouth.

The End

* * *

“Well, That’s Confusing”
By Sean

*Shadowstrike, Sean, and Outlaw are sitting at a table. Shadowstrike starts shuffling a deck of cards.*

Shadowstrike: So, everyone set on the rules now?

Sean: Are you sure those are correct? I really though that–

Outlaw: Look, I checked. No one has followed those rulings in twenty years.

Sean: Oh, that makes sense then. I don’t think I’ve played once in the past thirty.

*Suddenly Rebel rushes into the room*

Rebel: Is this room safe?

Shadowstrike: What are you talking about?

Rebel: I saw Avi carrying a few gallons of paint.

Shadowstrike: LOCK THE DOOR!

Sean: I really hope I don’t get like that when I’m old. *Everyone looks at him* What?

Outlaw: Actually, how old are you?

Shadowstrike: Yeah, you claim to be both from the era of Robot Masters and looked pretty human when we met you.

Sean: Let me think….

Rebel: You don’t know?

Sean: Well, I have not been conscious this whole time. I think I spent at least a decade frozen solid.

Outlaw: Okay that explains it.

Sean: And I don’t know how long in suspended animation. Then there was the three weeks I spent dead, four weeks of which I was a ghost.

Rebel: Four of three weeks?

Sean: Time travel. By the way, how do you count time travel? If you return to the same point you left does the time spent still count toward your age? Also do you count time spent in timelines that don’t exist or when time has been frozen?

Shadowstrike: What?

Sean: Then there were all the clone bodies and the robotic duplicates. The time my brain was scanned into a computer and copied. Or just times when my mind was uploaded to various computer networks. All the curses and blessings that I’ve gotten over the years as well keep changing my mortal state…

Rebel: Curses and blessings? I thought you had only one curse!

Sean: At the moment I’m pretty sure that was true… Actually what body am I in and am I currently the original ‘Sean’ now that you mention it? You said I seemed human, right?

Outlaw: Yeah…

Sean: Okay, good. That helps narrows things down… If I went back to my human form this might help, but then I’m not sure what phobias and psychological issues I’m currently suffering from. I think I got most cured.

Rebel: Most cured? Shouldn’t you know?

Sean: Therapy is too expensive to keep up with. Also traumatic events have caused me to to develop new ones or suffer from an old one again. Then I think I have also had some instilled by viruses as well and there was at least one time when that was something I created myself.

Shadowstrike: Don’t you have any ID? Or remember your birth date?

Sean: I’ve lost and gained so many licenses over the years. Also there were a few of the previously mentioned viruses, mind affecting enchantments, and just pain head trauma that has made it hard to remember. I have two forms of my latest ID, one for age says ‘enough’ and the other has a number that was randomly generated at the time.

Rebel: Remind me to not ask about your past again. It seems too confusing.

Sean: I really hope I am the only ‘Sean’ at this point in time.

Outlaw: Wouldn’t there be a chance the other one might be capable of giving us a straight answer.

Sean: Over sixty percent of the time when two of us have met, only one survives.

*Suddenly Avi bursts in the room*

Avi: I finally found you all! I think I found the perfect the perfect color and design for all of you! Just think of how the message we send to the populace as they see us victorious can be changed!

Shadowstrike: I thought I said to lock the door.

Rebel: I am the leader, I don’t have to follow orders. Besides Sean distracted us. *flees*

Outlaw: It can’t be too bad. Besides it makes her happy.

Shadowstrike: You and Sean can go first, then. *flees*

Sean: *Hides under his shell*

Avi: You know I heard everything you just said… *Starts staring at Sean’s shell* It’s so bright and shiny, just like life! The duality of the spiral can represent both the upward climb and the downward fall of society! And I know just how to make it more understandable! *Grabs a brush*

The End

Bermuda Shorts # 3

February 16, 2015

Insightful Thought #3
By Outlaw88

Narrator: And now, an insightful thought.

*Dramatic music*

Narrator: This week’s guest: Majin

Majin: ZZZZZZZZ… *gets poked with a stick* To dream is to follow your heart. To follow your heart is to go on with pride. To play with the world allows us to sleep with dignity. To be able to love is the highest gift of all.

To remember where you came from will help you not to lose where you are going.

Narrator: *Jawdrop*

Majin: I only had me a keg today. Not as buzzzzzzzzed yet.

Narrator: This has been an Insightful Thought.

The End

* * *

A Lifetime in Two Days
By Rebel40000

Dark Knight: *watching TV* Bleh, there’s nothing on. *changes the channel*

Salesman: *on TV* Heeey, there! Are you bored with your life?

Dark Knight: No, not really–

Salesman: Do you wish you could add some “fun” in your day?

Dark Knight: Well, maybe–

Salesman: Or at least find something good to watch on TV!?

Dark Knight: Um–

Salesman: Then try the “Super Turbo Remote Controller”! With this, you can flip through channels at light speed, until you find perfect channel meant for you!

Dark Knight: But I–

Salesman: How does it work? Simple! Just push the big red button on the remote and you will enter light speed, causing your TV to scroll through all of your channels faster than the blink of an eye! On top of that, utilizing the sensor on the remote’s button causes it to determine exactly what you want to watch!

Dark Knight: Sounds interesting, but–

Salesman: And we have a limited time offer! If you dial this number now *a number appears at the bottom of the screen* then you will receive the “Super Turbo Remote Controller” for absolutely free! That’s right, absolutely free for your entire lifetime!

Dark Knight: My entire lifetime!? I’m in! *grabs phone and starts dialing* Yeah, hello? I want that “Super Turbo Remote Controller” that is being sold for a whole free lifetime. Yeah, that one. All right, here is my mailing address and credit card number…

*Two weeks later…*

Dark Knight: *receives a package* All right! Light speed channel surfing, here I come! *opens box and finds a letter* Huh? A letter? *reads*

“Dear Dark Knight,

Thank you for purchasing the “Super Turbo Remote Controller”! We hope you enjoy the two free trial days that come with this fabulous gift! After the two free day trial, you will be automatically charge $35.98 every month. Enjoy!”

Dark Knight: WHAAAAAAAT!? I’ve been had!

*Doorbell rings*

Dark Knight: Now what? *opens door and finds two more packages addressed to him* What the Hell!? *opens them and finds similar letters charging him* I didn’t order these! Why those lousy… *sees the remote* Well, at least I’ve got the remote. Might as well check it out…

*Thus Dark Knight walks over to the living room and sits down in front of the TV.*

Dark Knight: All right, lightspeed surfing here I come! *presses the button and nothing happens* …What? *presses the button more* What is wrong with this thing!? Does it need batteries!?

*Panicking, Dark Knight grabs the remote to try and find the battery casing, only to find that there is none.*

Dark Knight: No… no… *gets on knees and clutches his head* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The End

* * *

Bedtime Story
By Outlaw88

*One night in the living room, Rebel, Outlaw, and Shadow were watching a movie.*

Shadowstrike: That car got crushed like it was tin foil!

Rebel: Hell yeah!

Outlaw: Did that guy’s head just explode?!

Rebel: Super Action Movie 5 is kick-ass awesome.

Shadowstrike: You said it!

*Avi enters*

Avi: What are you younguns doing up so late?

Rebel: What do you mean late?

Outlaw: Yeah, it’s only, like 11:30. This is early for us.

Avi: Yes I think you should get early starts in the morning, too.

Shadowstrike: I think her hearing went out. Go away Avi, we’re watching a movie here.

Avi: My hearing is just fine and I’ll hear no more arguing from the three of you. Time for bed. If you do it now I’ll read you a story.

Rebel: Go away, you crazy old coot.

Outlaw: Yeah this is the best part.

Avi: You asked for it.

*After several bashes to the head the three of them are tucked into bed.*

Rebel: Can either of you guys move?

Outlaw: Nope.

Shadowstrike: Nope.

Rebel: Damn… Why did she put Outlaw in the middle? You smell like a foot covered in cheese that was left out in the sun.

Shadowstrike: And since when did we own a bed this big?

Avi: Hush now, children. It’s story time!

Outlaw: Well, at least we’ll get some entertainment out of this.

*Avi sits down in a rocking chair. She pulls out and book and opens it.*

Shadowstrike: Uh, Avi, thats upside…

Avi: Hush now!

Rebel: Just shut up and let her read. The faster she gets done the faster she’ll leave.

Outlaw: So we hope.

Avi: *Ahem* Once upon a rock there was a time that rolled down a hill.

Rebel: What the hell? *gets bopped*

Avi: No swearing!

Shadowstrike: Ha ha, you got hit.

Avi: Quiet you.

Outlaw: Resume.

Avi: At the bottom of the hill was a giant ant named Biff. He has nothing to do with the hero of the pack of gum that was in peril of being hit by a golf club.

Shadowstrike: This is making my head hurt.

Avi: I told you to be quiet.

*Avi shoves a pacifier in Shadow’s mouth.*

Shadowstrike: MMMMMMMM!!!

Outlaw: This is so weird but strangly captivating.

Avi: On the far shore near the fire hydrant there was a magic pair of pants that went on a journy to find his lost pudding cup. He talked to the three knee’ed sloth about the times and the sea shell that once ate a monster truck.

Rebel: I am checking you in to a mental hospital you crazy… *gets bopped*

Avi: No interrupting!

Rebel: SON OF A… *gets bopped*

Avi: No swearing!

Shadowstrike: *sucksuck* Ya know… This isn’t so bad.

Rebel: I’m going to cripple you if you say that again.

Outlaw: So then what happened?

Avi: Right right. So anyway there was this fruit bat who knew the secrets of the forbidden paper clip. This made the cooking oil the president and the belly button lint became the answer to life itself. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Rebel: That was…

Shadowstrike: *Suck* Messed up.

Avi: Well that’s it. Good night children!

*Avi turns the lights off and leaves.*

Rebel: Ok she’s gone. Let’s get out of here.

Shadowstrike: *Sucksuck*

Rebel: Spit that out!

Shadowstrike: Awww…

Rebel: Ok, cut us out of here Outlaw.

Shadowstrike: Outlaw?

Outlaw: Zzzzzzzzzzz…

The End

* * *

By Outlaw88

*In the living room area DK and Shadow are playing the Ghostbusters video game*

Dark Knight: YEAH! Trapped another one.

Shadowstrike: Causing massive property damage is fun.

Dark Knight: It really is true. Busting makes you feel good.

Shadowstrike: I don’t know. Something about this doesn’t seem right.

Dark Knight: What the hell are you talking about? What can be wrong with us zapping ghosts?

Shadowstrike: *Pauses the game* Don’t some ghosts deserve some peace after death?

Dark Knight: What?!

Shadowstrike: What if a ghost was just hanging around not bothering anybody? Why would they trap it?

Dark Knight: Look, once you die and wind up a ghost you have no rights. They can shoot you, trap you, and put you in a containment unit, and charge an obscene amount of money for it.

Shadowstrike: What ever happened to respect for the dead?

Dark Knight: Screw that, its all about living.

Shadowstrike: If I died and became a ghost, would you…

Dark Knight: In a heartbeat.

Shadowstrike: You would zap me and trap me?!

Dark Knight: Yes, and if you don’t un-pause the game I’ll make sure it happens soon.

*Shadow gets the game going again.*

Shadowstrike: You’re evil.

Dark Knight: I know.

The End

* * *

Surprise Surprise
By Rebel40000

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Ow.

Metabad: It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Damn it, that’s it. I am sick of getting shocked!

Metabad: Soooooo?

Sean: So, I am going to teach you some manners in proper etiquette!

Metabad: No way, man! NO WAY!! *gets dragged off by Sean*

*A shortwhile later, in a make-shift classroom*

Sean: …And that is that. Questions?

Metabad: *raises hand*

Sean: Yes?

Metabad: So, do I haaaaave to say hello?

Sean: *facepalms* At this rate, I am going to end up like Majin… Look, let me get down to the basics here. Whenever you first meet someone, the proper thing to do is give that person a friendly greeting, which means NOT shocking them or activating their curse and causing pain and misfortune on them…

Metabad: *blinks*

Dark Knight: *sneaks up behind Sean*

Metabad: *blinks*

Sean: …Because, if you were to act in such a manner toward people on a regular basis, then…

Metabad: *blinks*

Dark Knight: *readies self*

Metabad: *blinks*

Sean: …Thus no good will ever come from this current behavior. Any comments?

Metabad: He’s got a bazooka!

Sean: Wait what–


Dark Knight: Mwahahahah! *runs out of the classroom*

Metabad: So do I pass, teach!?

Sean: *is in pieces on the floor* Yeah… sure… whatever…

Metabad: RAWKIN’!! *rawks out of the classroom*

Sean: I… hate… my life…

Metabad: *pokes head back in* It could be worse.

Sean: *shocked* Damn it…

The End