Dissed in the Digital World (part 1)

*Written by Jade*

Midday in Megalopolis, in front of a local Waffle House…

WAFFLE HOUSE MANAGER: Get out of here and don’t come back!!

The Alpha Movement is thrown out of the Waffle House.

JADE: Hey, try that again buddy! I dare you! We got you a special order of PAIN!!!

SEADRAGON: Yeah! We’ll chop, smother, and scatter your FACE, biatch!!!

Later at Maverick HQ:

VILE: You guys were stealing dishes… from Waffle House?


VILE: That is the pettiest thing I’ve ever seen you guys do. Whatever. Sigma wants you guys. He and the mighty armadillo have some kind of super secret thing they want to show you guys.

BRICK: I just hope it’s more interesting than their last little project…


SIGMA: Hey. Do Pop Rocks and Coke really make your head asplode?

End flashback…

JADE: We spent at least a couple of days putting Sigma’s body back together. Boy was he pissed.

And so our anti-heroes make their way down to the main lab, Sigma is there, along with an assortment of small odd creatures inside a glass tube.

SPARK: What the hell? Are they supposed to be mutant sea monkeys or something?

SIGMA: Um, no Spark. These hatched from those eggs that I sent Sting here to go steal from D.A.T.S. headquarters a couple of days ago.

DARKSAGE: Huh. I thought you were just hungry for omelets or something.

BLACKBELT: Not quite. These aren’t for eating. These are digimon, a sort of digital AI creature that can take a physical form.

Dark Knight, having not been paying much attention, suddenly perks up.

SIGMA: We thought we’d perform a little experiment. See, these unique critters can evolve rapidly to adapt to their environments and social stress. Since the Maverick Virus is primarily a computer virus, I thought we’d see how these guys evolve when exposed to it, seeing as they are composed of computer data.

JADE: Hey. That’s a pretty cool idea.

BLACKBELT: Research has shown that digimon are most effective when paired with a human ?partner’. Reploids are close enough, I guess, so if all goes well, we will each receive one as our own partner.

Dark Knight flails his arms.

DARK KNIGHT: Oh! Oh! I call dibs on that one!!

He points to a small green and white digimon with black beady eyes and what looks like a small plant sprout growing from its head.

BLACKBELT: Our records we hacked from D.A.T.S. show that’s a Tanemon.

DARK KNIGHT: Yay!! I’m gonna get my very own Lily-chan!! (jumps up and down)

BRICK: What in tarnation are you going on about, boy?!

JADE: That flower chick that DK worships is a digimon. She supposedly evolves from that particular critter there.

SIGMA: Alright, compose yourself, Boomer. Okay then, let’s get started.


Meanwhile, in a flying ship far above…

REBEL: Hey Void! We’re starting a game of Parcheesi. You in? (He taps on the door to Morph Moth’s lab) Hello? Awesome. He must be out. Let’s see what he’s got cooking.

He opens the door and goes through Moth’s room. He sees eight eggs sitting on a table at the end of the lab.

REBEL: What’s this? Void ordering dinosaur eggs though the mail again? I told him before that theme park idea wasn’t gonna work.


As this is going on, a gateway opens in a seemingly remote land. Out from the portal spills two characters. A green-armored humanoid and a rotund man with a crazy mustache…

iX: What the hell?! I almost had those worthless peons! (He sees Eggman next to him) YOU!!! This is your entire fault! I just know it!!

EGGMAN: How is this my fault, you over-glorified toaster?! If you hadn’t been in such a rush for power, this never would have happened!!

iX: (Clenches his fists) How DARE you talk to me that way!! You’re nothing but a useless human!! I am God next to you!! I can kill you in but a millisecond!

He points his buster at the bad doctor. Eggman just crosses his arms.

EGGMAN: Go right ahead then. I dare you.

iX: (Sighs, lowering his buster) Luckily for you, I still have use for you. For starters, where the hell are we?

EGGMAN: Well, when the Chaos Emeralds went berserk, it appears that it initiated Chaos Control, which threw us through time and space to another dimension.

(These events occurred back in Alpha Movement’s epilogue, Crystal Chaos)

Suddenly, iX spots something; a small round pink creature with long ears.

iX: Hey, what’s that?

EGGMAN: Hm… I’m not sure. It reminds me of a Chao, but it’s quite different…

iX: I say we kill it!!

Before Eggman can say anything, iX raises his buster and blows the hapless creature away.

iX: Ahhhh… That felt good. Nothing like a good slaughter, eh Doc?

EGGMAN: No, you fool! If we captured it, we could’ve examined it and gotten a better sense of what world we ended up in!!

iX: Freakin’ buzzkill. I’m sure there’s plenty of these things around. (Sure enough, more of them are seen moving about from the other side of a nearby tree) See? Die, little critters! Squirm for me! Hehehehehee!!

EGGMAN: *Sigh* How’d I get stuck with this psycho…?

Suddenly, the sky grows dark.

iX: Huh? It sure gets dark fast around here.

EGGMAN: What a horrible night to have a curse…

iX: The hell are you babbling about, fleshy?

Before they can ponder this any further, the ground opens up beneath them and swallows them up. Eggman and iX adjust their eyes to the darkness and find themselves in an underground temple; one which seems to have been buried long ago.

EGGMAN: Now where are we?

To answer his question, the shadows of three beings emerge from the darkness…

???: Fellow creatures of darkness… welcome to the Digital World…


Back in Megalopolis…

DARK KNIGHT: Evolve, damn you!! Evolve to Lily-chan!!

At his feet, a Palmon just looks at him with sad eyes.

JADE: Sheesh. These things don’t evolve overnight, Boomer. It takes time.

SEADRAGON: Seriously. See, that’s the thing about being so fast; you just can’t stand waiting for everything else to catch up with you, huh?

Jade is holding a ModokiBetamon, a green-yellow amphibious creature, petting it gently. A Piyomon roosts on Seadragon’s shoulder. Spark walks into the lounge as well, followed by an Elecmon, an otherwise furry creature with nine feathery tails.

SPARK: Hey, check this guy out. He’s got electrical attacks too! I hope he evolves into something badass, like Leomon.

DARK KNIGHT: You don’t want that, man. Leomon dies at the end of every series.

JADE: Yeah, I think he’s become the Kenny of the Digital World or something.


iX: Alright. Tell me who the frick you guys are before I start shooting. Actually, you know what? I think I’ll shoot you anyway!

iX fires a plasma shot at one of the figures before him, but he raises his hand and deflects the buster shot. A flash of light erupts and reveals the three shadows. One looks like an old man with a long beard, one is a woman with several pairs of bat-like wings, and the third is a dragonoid creature with a mouth like an alligator’s.

BARBAMON: Careful, iX. It would be best that you don’t get on the bad side of the Seven Great Demon Lords.

iX: Pfft. All I see are a crusty old man, a goth chick, and Puff the Magic Dragon. Demon Lords, my ass. More like demon posers.

LILITHMON: Is that so? Despite what you say, our powers greatly exceed yours.

iX: Aww, what are you gonna do? Write me a poem about how you hate your life and you want to die? (Raises his buster) I can arrange that, sister!

Lilithmon swats the blast aside.

LILITHMON: Phantom Pain!

A dark mist flies from her hands that engulfs iX. He suddenly finds himself unable to move.

iX: Wha… How… are you this powerful?!

Meanwhile, Eggman is becoming very frightened; even iX is having trouble against these three.

EGGMAN: Wh… What do you want with us, then?

BARBAMON: We have called you here because we wish to form an alliance.

LEVIAMON: iX, you are a very powerful Reploid indeed. But I can feel your envy… Your jealousy for the one called Megaman X.

iX’s eyes narrow.

iX: Shut the hell up, Barney. I am NOT envious of that piece of crap.

LEVIAMON: Oh, but I think you are. Why else do you strive so hard to exceed him? It is because you are afraid. You are afraid he might be stronger than you. Stronger than you ever will be!

iX: Now you listen to me!! I am the mightiest Reploid in the universe!! X is weak!! And I’ll rip out anyone’s throat that says otherwise!

LILITHMON: (Giggles) You’re hardly in a position to be spouting threats, sweety.

BARBAMON: Ivo Robotnik, you too possess a great greed. Greed for power; the need to prove yourself. Well we can make it happen. Provide both of you with the power you have only dreamed of!

EGGMAN: And you want us to help you, right? What would the Demon Lords need us for?

BARBAMON: Well, as much as it pains me to admit it, we are not as strong as we once were. There were seven of us, now down to three. The other four; Lucemon, Demon, Beelzebumon, and Belphemon, had traveled to other dimensions in hopes of conquering them for us. But they had all been destroyed instead. It seems each dimension has those called “Chosen Ones”, young humans with a supernatural link with the digimon. This power is what enabled them to wipe out the other demon lords.

iX: In other words, you got your asses handed to you by a bunch of kids. You really suck.

LEVIAMON: You would do well not to underestimate the Chosen, iX. Our four compatriots did such and were defeated.

iX: Grrr… Alright… What exactly is it you want from us?

LILITHMON: We would like you to bring us to a new dimension to conquer. We have lied dormant in this world for many eons, but we aren’t strong enough to conquer it due to the Royal Knights…

EGGMAN: And who are they?

BARBAMON: Celestial servants of the digimon god, Yggdrasil. They are the ones who defeated us long ago and sealed us away.

LILITHMON: They are still watching over this world, and could destroy us now that we are down to a mere three. But back to the task at hand. Dr. Eggman, you have used the seven Chaos Emeralds to travel between time and space correct? With these, you should be able to assist us in passing to a new dimension where there are no goody-two-shoes to stop us.

iX: Piss off. No way you’re taking over my world! I already called dibs on it!

EGGMAN: So did I!

iX and Eggman glare at each other suspiciously.

BARBAMON: Who said it had to be the one you came from? There is an infinite number of dimensions out there. Help us, and we will give you the power you need to make all our dreams come true!

iX: Eh, what the hell, then. I seem to be in the habit of collecting power anyways.

LEVIAMON: We are aware of that, iX. We even know of the other dark lord that you currently serve…

iX: What?!

LEVIAMON: The one who revived you after your botched attempt at receiving the power of Limited, and endowed you with even grater dark power.

iX: How do you know about that??

BARBAMON: We know many things, dear iX. But beware; there is more to your pact that you aren’t aware of. There is one who will betray you…

iX: Give me a break! Like I care if one of them turns on me. I’ll waste his ass!

BARBAMON: I like your enthusiasm, iX. We are just giving you an ample warning; he is very powerful… and he could very well be a match for you if he catches you off guard…

iX: Whatever. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

EGGMAN: But about the Chaos Emeralds…

LILITHMON: We know. You lost most of them battling the Alpha Movement. But we can still help you recover the rest.

Eggman takes out a single shining gem.

EGGMAN: This is all I was able to recover. The others must’ve been spread through the dimensions when Chaos Control activated.

LEVIAMON: Then we shall assist you in finding the six others.

BARBAMON: Not only that, we have another who can help you. I have called him here as well; I was greatly impressed by his greed as well!

Another steps out from the shadows, this one being a human wearing an elegant business suit…

EGGMAN: What the hell’s he doing here??

DONALD TRUMP: What the hell are they doing here?? You two are FIRED!!

iX: Did someone say “fire”?! (Charges a Grand Fire)

LEVIAMON: Step down, both of you!! You will cooperate from now on, hear?

To be continued…



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