Magical Mishaps

*Written by Sean*

*Void is in his lab perplexed by a large area of space blocked off by a curtain. As he is about to remove it, the door opens. Sean enters followed by Metabad, Dark Knight, and Majin.*

Sean: Please don’t touch that.

Void: You did this?

Sean: Yeah, only place I could think of to work which I’d have access to the supplies I needed without being interrupted.

Void: But this is my lab!

Sean: Yeah, yeah. I know. Would have asked for permission but when inspiration hits you don’t really think about the small details. Plus this was at like one in the morning and you were asleep.

Void: So what are you working?

Sean: Was working on. Already finished.

Void: Just finish.

Sean: Fine, I set up something that will hopefully remove my curse.

Void: What? How?

Sean: A mixture of science and magic. Also I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave for a little bit. Preferably to the opposite end of the ship.

Void: What? But this is my lab.

Sean: You’ll ruin my work.

Void: And they won’t? *gesturing to the three behind Sean* You have Metabad, whose childish and impulsive…

Metabad: This is gonna rawk!

Void: …Dark Knight, who activates your curse on a regular basis for fun…

Dark Knight: It can’t work, please let it blow up in his face, it can’t work…

Void: …And a severely intoxicated Majin.

Majin: *opens his mouth and then falls over*

Sean: Yeah, the intoxicated part was key. Was a little worried that he was too sober so I kind of overdid it.

Void: But how am I a problem when they aren’t?

Sean: Simple, your skepticism.

Void: What?

Sean: The science part works fine, but for the magic I need some belief to be channeled. You’d doubt that it would work too much so you’d cause it not too work.

Void: So Metabad?

Sean: Likely to believe anything we tell him.

Void: And Dark Knight? Won’t he refuse to believe it works?

Sean: Nope, he fears it working too much. I can channel that nightmare into my dream.

Void: Majin? He’s almost passed out for crying out loud.

Sean: Have you ever seen a drunk argue about logic? Or for that matter someone asleep?

Void: Point. But I won’t let you run rampant across my lab.

Sean: Fine you can watch from the doorway and I promise not to wreck anything.

Void: *sigh* Deal. *walks into the open doorway.

Sean: Now then… *yanks off curtain in over the top manner.*

*A pentagram is drawn on the floor. At each point is a giant crystal placed on a platform. An led light is located under each crystal and a total of three generators are passing electrical current through the crystals through jumper cables. Seven computers are placed along the outer edge, evenly spaced. A series of complex formulas and ornate runes flash across each screen. Five laser points are concentrated at the center of the pentagram, aimed from the ceiling. Everything seems to be connected by a series of wires coated with an extra layer of highly reflective, almost glowing crystal.*

Metabad: This is so going to rawk!

Void: You better clean that mess up.

Sean: Quiet. *walks into center and forms a crystal dagger in his right hand, with his left he imprints a series of runes*

Dark Knight: Please blow up, please blow up, please blow up…

Sean: Percuro, therapevo, go leigheasa m?. *stabs himself in the heart with dagger*

*The laser points grow larger and switch to a bright blue. They become a spotlight on the entire pentagram. Suddenly, the dagger bursts into blue fire and fades away. The entire pentagram bursts into fire and so do all the other objects Sean is using in this makeshift ritual. One by one the objects fade away, starting with the computers on the outside edge. Until only the circle remains ablaze. The spotlight from the ceiling becomes five hundred times as bright blinding everyone before vanishing. When it is possible to see again, Sean is standing in the middle of the room. He has no wound from the dagger and any trace of his experiment is gone.*

Sean: See, clean up was easy. You had nothing to worry about.

Metabad: That was awesome! It definitely rawked!

Majin: *passes out*

Dark Knight: NO! Please tell me it failed!

Void: Amazing, but did it work?

Sean: *shrugs* Try it for yourself.

Dark Knight: It could be worse, it could be worse, it could be worse, it could be worse!

Sean: *smirks* Nothing.

Dark Knight: No! I’ll miss that curse… *hangs his head down*

Sean: *arms suddenly turn into tentacles* What the?

Dark Knight: That curse was like a brother to me…

Sean: *arms turn to normal but suddenly catches on fire* AAAAHHH!!! *futilely stops, drops, and rolls*

Dark Knight: Wait, what? *looks up* The curse did not pass on in vain!

Sean: *turns back to normal and is electrocuted briefly*

Dark Knight: *sniff* I missed that.

Metabad: This is even more rawksome!

Void: Typical. Even worse off than before. Should have stuck with the original curse.

Sean: *reverts to human form* What? Damn it. I seem to have only changed the effects to be completely random and changed the trigger from that phrase to a single word.

Dark Knight: What is it? *eagerly*

Sean: Look, if you haven’t figured it out yet I’m not telling you.

Dark Knight: NO! *falls to his knees* Please you must tell me! Its the only thing my character seems to consist of anymore!

Void: So what are you going to do now?

Sean: Going to have to see some experts on magic. I wanted to do this on my own but past experience and a little research I guess weren’t enough. I’ll try pulling in some favors and wind up most likely owing a bunch myself. But I’d rather not go in human form so I guess I’ll let Dark Knight have his fun. The trigger word is ‘curse.’ *suddenly turns into an actual snail*

Outlaw: *walks in* Hey, anyone mind if I cook tonight? *glances in* Hey, that snail would be great for escargo!

Sean: No, wait!

Metabad: *rolls on the floor laughing.*

Dark Knight: *rolls on the floor laughing maniacally*

*Much later after several amusing invocations and explanations, Sean is back in his armor.*

Rebel: So, you’re leaving…

Sean: Just for a little bit, I’ll be back.

Rebel: *stare*

Sean: I just need to see a few people who might know about my curse. *right eye turns into a knife for a total of five seconds*

Rebel: *stare*

Sean: Look, I’ll pick up some soda on my way back.

Rebel: Well, have fun. *shakes hand and kicks Sean out the door*

Sean: WAIT! WE HAVEN’T LANDED YET!

Shadowstrike: That’s some tough luck right there.

Dark Knight: Looks like even when a curse isn’t involved he can’t get a break.

*Sean’s shell turns into large, draconic wings. He begins to fly down*

Dark Knight: NO! Why must you betray me, curse?!

*A foot above the ground, Sean’s wings turn back into a shell and he falls flat on his face. He then is struck by lightning*

Dark Knight: Thank you!

Sean: *brushing dirt off* Well, I guess that could have been worse. *grins* It is so good to be able to say that again. Better be off to my first stop.

*Sean appears behind Jade in the AM’s base.*

Sean: Hello.

Jade: What the? How did you get in here?

Sean: I know three members including you. The passwords aren’t too hard to guess.

Jade: Oh.

Sean: Plus the front door was open.

Jade: Figures. So what do you need?

Sean: Well I’m kind of having a magic problem.

Jade: Involving?

Sean: Bad stuff keeps happening to me.

Jade: I don’t know how to magically manipulate luck.

Sean: No. Not like that. See magic and technology got mixed together poorly and now its causing some adverse effects.

Jade: So what is the problem you’re having?

Sean: Well there is something that I’d like removed or cured but I’d rather not say what.

Jade: Ew.

Sean: No, not like that! You know how an evil witch is supposed to do bad things to people?

Jade: Like eating them?

Sean: No, more like a spell.

Jade: Oh, to kill them.

Sean: No. You know, one of those things with a trigger and when that trigger occurs a bad thing happens.

Jade: Oh… You mean like a curse.

Sean: *left arm explodes* AH! *breathes heavily for a minute* Yes, exactly…

Jade: So what is your trigger?

Sean: A certain word.

Jade: Seen, heard, or thought?

Sean: Heard.

Jade: What is the word?

Sean: You mean you can’t figure it out?!

Jade: No, what is it?

Sean: What I have.

Jade: A shell?

Sean: No, magically.

Jade: A problem?

Sean: *sigh* Lets just get this over with. The effects are random and the trigger word is ‘curse.’ *antennas catch on fire* You know, after a while you begin to shut out the pain.

Jade: Oh, okay.

AM: *walks in* Hey, Jade. *sees Sean* Woah, what happened to you?

Sean: I’m really tired of explaining.

AM: Yeah, you seem to have pretty bad luck. I mean you even have that ridiculous curse.

Sean: *fire goes out, right arm suddenly implodes.* Ow… That was new.

Jade: Don’t say that word again. The one that starts with a ‘c’ and ends with an ‘urse.’ The trigger and effect changed.

AM: Oh, sorry.

Spark: *from the hallway* Hey, is Sean visiting?

Jade and AM: Yeah.

Spark: Cool. Did he ever get that curse removed?

Sean: *legs explode* ACK! *falls over and ends up on his shell unable to get up*

Jade: Not exactly…

AM: Must not make Monty Python reference.

*A few hours later, Sean is back to normal and has explained the curse to practically all of Alpha Movement.*

Jade: Okay, so now that you have all of your limbs back let me try something.

Sean: Thanks.

Jade: First let me change into my Red Mage gear.

Sean: Wait, what?

Jade: Eh, my magic isn’t as good without it. Also I need to be careful with it because now only that race of female humans with bunny ears gets to be Red Mages in FF games. Kind of hard to find the stuff. Wish Square wasn’t so determined that in order to have access to class abilities you need to dress as that class or in some games set those abilities to a certain slot. Never as good as just being that class though when you just set the abilities to the second slot.

Sean: Whatever. Just do the stupid class change thing.

Jade: Done.

Sean: …You look ridiculous.

Jade: Eh, whatever. Let me see what I can do. *flexes fingers*

Sean: Whenever your ready.

Jade: ESUNA! DISPEL! HEAL! CURE! REMEDY!

Sean: *back to human form* What? Come on! This is even worse.

Jade: That should have removed any negative status effects… err I mean curses.

Sean: I mean this is even worse than the curse. *waits a second* Wait. Two comments. One, were those all even spells a Red Mage can learn? Two, is the curse gone or just changed?

Jade: Hmm… you got the curse when you became Crystal Snail right?

Sean: Yeah… wait, don’t tell me…

Jade: The curse seems to be tied to your Maverick form.

Sean: Just great… Anything you can help with?

Jade: Not really. I’d offer to do some research, but this is outside of my area of expertise. I can give you some names I know of that might know a little more and you probably have a list of people to ask as well. If you can send me what they say I might be able to try and come up with a way of separating the two.

Sean: Fine. I guess I better be going.

Jade: Don’t want me to reactivate your Crystal Snail form?

Sean: Do you even know how?

Jade: Uh… might be able to figure it out in a few minutes.

Sean: Don’t bother. It’ll probably return later and if not I’ll figure out how to reactivate it. Just going to have to try desperately to avoid fights.

Jade: Good luck.

Sean: Haven’t had much so far, but thanks.

*So Sean embarks on a long journey…*

Sean: Yeah, so I figure that you as a robot who was in constant contact with people that possessed magic you might know something.

R.O.B.: Beep.

Sean: Oh, are you saying that was a different R.O.B?

R.O.B.: Beep.

Sean: I guess that can make sense considering there is a whole kingdom of you guys.

R.O.B.: Beep. Beep?

Sean: You just realized I have no clue what you’re saying didn’t you?

R.O.B.: *Nods*

Sean: *sighs* Well, then how about you, Dead Man? You are a magic user in a world of technology. Maybe you know something.

Dead Man: …

Sean: Maybe you guys weren’t the best choice. I guess it could be worse. *pause* Its nice to have lost that side effect. *suddenly Sean hears footsteps* You’re boss is now right behind me and going to ironically injure me with an electric-based weapon, isn’t he? Maybe I should have got my armor working before coming here…

The Rat: Aw, its not as much fun when you see it coming.

Sean: Yeah, well get over it. You’re still going to electrocute me.

The Rat: *does so*

*And so he goes on to his next stop…*

Sean: *meditating* …So why will this help my curse?

Yoda: No, no, there is no why.

Sean: Whatever, I guess I can try giving it a shot. If I try my best maybe it will work.

Yoda: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Sean: You know, this is much more annoying than it ever seemed to be in the movies.

*With about equal success…*

Gennai: Hmm…

Sean: So what can you do?

Gennai: This is outside my area of expertise. Maybe you could get help from one of the sovereigns.

Sean: Maybe? And how do you expect I do that?

Gennai: Hold on a second. I didn’t say you were doing this alone.

Sean: You’re helping me?

Gennai: No, of course not. *opens a door* He is.

Agumon X: Sean!

Sean: Wow, it seems like forever since that crossover*. Good to see you’re doing well.

*See Series 2, Epilogue #21″Dissed in the Digital World (part 1)”

Gennai: And of course you’ll need this. *hands Sean a bizarre device* Not only will it help you channel your energy to your partner, but also it will guide you.

Sean: Thanks.

*But despite passing the task off to someone else, success was similar…*

Azulongmon: I can give you one of my digital cores.

Sean: Yeah, I doubt that would work.

*And he continued traveling…*

Magikoopa: Well, I can turn blocks into Koopas and hurt people with triangles.

Sean: …Yeah, that’s useful.

Magikoopa: Oh, I can also make things bigger!

Sean: I doubt that would work. Do you know of anyone else?

Magikoopa: Well, there is a Koopa who traveled to a far away land to learn more magic.

Sean: And where can I find said Koopa?

Magikoopa: Over there. *points to a Magikoppa in a different outfit* We call him Mage.

Sean: *walks over and explains everything. What, you want to read more text?*

Mage: Hmmm… I don’t see how I can help you.

Sean: What? I thought you went off to study more magic!

Mage: And I did. I went to Ivalice to learn black magic. I hope to make triangles that have elemental explosions. Maybe if you can find remnants of Smithy’s gang they could help you. They are a fusion between machinery and magic.

*So Sean searches…*

Belome: Om nom nom.

Sean: Don’t eat me!

*And searches more…*

Sean: Okay, I’m sorry. Just stop crying Mallow!

*And even more…*

Sean: What are you doing here, Outlaw?

Outlaw: Om nom nom.

Sean: AHHH!!!

*And so on…*

Belome and Outlaw: Om nom nom.

Bundit: AHHH!!!

Sean: …

*Until finally…*

Smithy: Mario, you have may won last time–

Sean: For the last time, I’m not Mario!

Smithy: You shall fall before my gang’s power!

Axem Rangers: You called, boss?

Sean: …Screw this.

*Slightly later…*

Culex: Bah, you are no match for me! I can destroy worlds!

Sean: Yeah, okay. But listen there are better ways to go about doing so. Besides I don’t even want to fight.

Culex: You may speak mortal.

*Slightly later again…*

Culex: Hmmm… this magic is outside by expertise. I would accept the challenge but I cannot exist in this world for too long.

Sean: *sigh*

*And even more later…*

Gandalf: I am afraid I cannot aid you in your quest.

Sean: You had no clue what I was saying about robotics earlier, did you?

Gandalf: Are they like golems?

Sean: *sigh*

*Then later…*

Nega: So will I get to appear again soon?

Sean: Who are you?

*And once again…*

Dumbledore: I am afraid I cannot aid you in your quest.

Sean: You had no clue what I was saying about robotics earlier, did you?

Dumbledore: Are they like golems?

Sean: *sigh* You are such a knock-off.

*Later…*

Sean: *after explaining everything* So you can see I’ve gone on a long and difficult quest. And after all this searching I have sought you out as my last resort.

Bender: So how do I help?

Sean: I’m getting there. This quest has been difficult, but it will not be all in vain if you do but one thing: Give me your autograph!

Bender: What?

Sean: Come on, I deserve it after this!

*Finally, back at the AM base…*

Jade: Well with your… “research”, along with my own, I’ve found out how to turn your curse back to the way it was.

Sean: Fine, just get on with it.

Jade: Okay, fine. *chants for a second, Sean returns to the way he was at the start of the epilogue*

Sean: Okay, this whole adventure was pointless.

Jade: Actually, I think we can set up a way of monitoring the curse so that each time it is invoked we’d get closer to curing it.

Sean: … *smiles* Awesome, set it up.

*Back on the Whale King… Seriously, how many location changes does one epilogue need?*

Sean: So remember, every time you think it is funny to shock me just remember that I will get one step closer to being shock-free forever. Meaning you’ll never see me accidentally invoke it myself or strangers unknowingly bring me pain. You’ll never see me botch anything because of getting shocked again. So each time you’re about to speak, ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”

Dark Knight: NO!

The End

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